Reassure me I'm not being a heartless, witch, please!

sqeeky

Well, he eventually turned up at midday. It's about a hundred miles round trip to his mothers, which is why I didn't dump his stuff over (and is probably why I haven't had him here every day - I was lucky his parents moved from about 3 miles away just before his father died).


He looked very serious (and sober - well, looked he had been for about 6 days) and said he had to tell me something serious. Of course. He does have reduced lung function (ie, COPD, but he won't say the word), but is also being referred to Neurology for tests 'to do with his brain'. That could be anything and, in any case, you can't trust a single word that comes out of his mouth.

Incidentally, his mother hasn't thrown him out (which proves the stuff leading up to his first call is a load of tosh), but the serious thing was -

- that he has had enough and doesn't want to see me anymore. That it's not his fault, it's everyone else's, but there is no hope when I am refusing to allow him to live in our [my] house and the other people (relatives) are pitching in (which is rubbish).


I had to cover my mouth with my hands (and look sad) because I was trying so hard not to smile. I told him I understood and to drive carefully because the roads are icy.


As he left, he told me that I should just tell him I had met someone else rather than keep it a secret (arrgggghhh! :wall:) and looked lost and broken as he told me he loved me so much. I felt a slight pang of guilt, but that was tempered with the annoyance that he still assumes I've been putting it about, so I kept it hidden.



So he's gone.


Whether it's a permanent thing or whether he's going to start up again, I have no idea. But for the time being, he's gone of his own free will.




And. Breathe.

katgirlie

I admit I haven't read all the replies, but I imagine they are all variations on the same advice. Get out of that abusive relationship immediately. And stay out.

Imagine that your daughter/sister/best friend had written your original post. You know what you need to do, you just need to stay strong enough to stick to it even when he tries to make you feel guilty. Get as much support as you can for yourself and move on. You are clearly a kind, generous, loving person but you need to start directing these traits toward yourself.

Just because he has never been physically violent towards you does not mean that this is/was not an abusive relationship. Please access the services provided by the National Domestic Abuse Helpline http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/ and start making your own life better.

All the best.

FatVonD

sqeeky wrote: »

So he's gone.


Whether it's a permanent thing or whether he's going to start up again, I have no idea. But for the time being, he's gone of his own free will.

Please take this in the spirit it's meant but you are doing it again! He's gone. Permanent. No ifs, no buts, it's not going to start up again because you are in control of your (exciting, new!) life and you don't want it to.

If you can't get away for Christmas buy yourself some nice treats and a Christmas TV magazine. Sit around in your pyjamas with your cat on your lap eating all your favourite things and relish the fact you don't have to please anyone other than yourself

AbbieCadabra

blimey, he should be on the stage after a performance like that!

seriously though, you sound like you dealt with the situation really well. when someone puts on an act like that & you get a glimmer of the person that 'used to be', it would be so easy to cave in & have 'one more go'.

i wouldn't be at all surprised if he's not back in touch again though, i'm guessing he thought that he'd win you over with that little lot. be strong, you are 100% doing the right thing.

take care

somethingsgottogive

Sorry, I've not had a chance to read through all of the replies so apologies if it's already been said. Firstly OF COURSE you've done the right thing, there isn't a single thing more you could have done to help him and YOU only have one life to live - you can't waste any more of it trying to fix something unfixable.

Secondly, you say he's never been violent towards you but is that just because he's managed to get you to back down and do things his way in the past? He sounds like he needs to control everything all of the time, so what if you do stick to your guns this time? When he realises that the begging and emotional blackmail won't work, coupled with any drugs or alcohol, is there a chance he could get aggressive?

Take care of yourself, and maybe consider some sort of restraining order even if it's not for fear of violence but more so you've got the breathing space to get your life back without him turning up whenever he likes? xx

Caroline_a

sqeeky wrote: »

Well, he eventually turned up at midday. It's about a hundred miles round trip to his mothers, which is why I didn't dump his stuff over (and is probably why I haven't had him here every day - I was lucky his parents moved from about 3 miles away just before his father died).


He looked very serious (and sober - well, looked he had been for about 6 days) and said he had to tell me something serious. Of course. He does have reduced lung function (ie, COPD, but he won't say the word), but is also being referred to Neurology for tests 'to do with his brain'. That could be anything and, in any case, you can't trust a single word that comes out of his mouth.

Incidentally, his mother hasn't thrown him out (which proves the stuff leading up to his first call is a load of tosh), but the serious thing was -

- that he has had enough and doesn't want to see me anymore. That it's not his fault, it's everyone else's, but there is no hope when I am refusing to allow him to live in our [my] house and the other people (relatives) are pitching in (which is rubbish).


I had to cover my mouth with my hands (and look sad) because I was trying so hard not to smile. I told him I understood and to drive carefully because the roads are icy.


As he left, he told me that I should just tell him I had met someone else rather than keep it a secret (arrgggghhh! :wall:) and looked lost and broken as he told me he loved me so much. I felt a slight pang of guilt, but that was tempered with the annoyance that he still assumes I've been putting it about, so I kept it hidden.



So he's gone.


Whether it's a permanent thing or whether he's going to start up again, I have no idea. But for the time being, he's gone of his own free will.




And. Breathe.

This is exactly how my (alcoholic) ex would behave. Couldn't comprehend how I'd rather be on my own than with him, or with anyone!

Have a fab peaceful Christmas! x

MentalMinnie

I suspect you won't have heard the last of him. Men like that never give up...I bet he was expecting you to beg him not to end things blah blah blah,,,

londonsurrey

I'm so glad you saw the funny side of his hammy performance. Good for you.

Maz

If he's being referred to a neurologist he could be in the early stages of Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome. That would in some way explain his bizarre behaviour and thought patterns. My brother had this in the later stages of his alcoholism.

Link here for further info -

http://www.choosehelp.com/alcoholism/wet-brain-2013-alcoholism-and-wernicke-korsakoff-syndrome

HTH

sqeeky

Maz wrote: »

If he's being referred to a neurologist he could be in the early stages of Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome. That would in some way explain his bizarre behaviour and thought patterns. My brother had this in the later stages of his alcoholism.

Link here for further info -


HTH

Thank you.


Maybe so. Not my problem though, is it?


He's sharp enough to plan how to scam money out of family (10p off every transaction equates a can of Tennants quickly enough - especially if he 'forgets' fag papers once, then fags the next, then drinks all the milk so he has to go back out again) and always remembers to have a plausible explanation of everything is always someone else's fault/they are picking on him. In any case, he called on Friday evening in tears 'just to say how much I love you, I just want you to know that'. I think it was a 'I'm committing suicide' call. I hung up.

I presume someone would have mentioned it to me if he had. And his sister has said previously that his previous 2 serious girlfriends had been treated to the 'I'll kill myself' threats regularly.


I ignored a couple of calls over the weekend and there weren't any messages left on my voicemail. And I went for coffee with someone on Saturday when I attended a workshop. That would never have happened, as my phone would have been ringing non stop, even if he hadn't created some disaster that meant I couldn't possibly go to the workshop. In fact, to drink coffee in the presence of a male would mean I was already cheating on him.



I am definitely spending xmas alone, as my friends have all arranged holidays/trips to family, so I think I am going to buy tickets to at least two local bars and spend as long as possible in the nicest one/one with the best music on Xmas Eve. If I'm not in, he can't be bashing on my door with some crappy present he's probably scammed his mother into buying (ie, gives him £20 for it, he spends £5 and keeps £15), after all.

I'm trying to not be harsh, but then I think 's*d it, you were nasty enough to me and everyone else when it got you your way' and then I wonder whether the inappropriate babyish behaviour (the stuff that made my skin crawl the most) was actually deliberately done to put me off leaving the house for fear of him doing it - or to engineer a 'why are you being nasty to poor lickle me' situation where he either got control over me as a mother substitute or had an excuse to storm off. Some sort of creepy psychological stuff, anyway.




I'm trying to remind myself of the bad stuff (not that there was much good) so I don't fall into the trap of being nice to him if he shows up after a couple of weeks being nice as pie and acting as though nothing had happened - as everything he does is 'all in the past' (even three days later and he 'can't believe you're dragging all that old stuff up now to have another go' - so he won't accept any responsibility.

I do wonder if in his mind, he has dumped me or whether he is telling his family I've been seeing other men. But then I remind myself it doesn't matter and I don't really care, either way I'm free.