14year old daughter refuses to visit

Mrs.W_2

adamantine wrote: »

if your daughter doesnt want to see you then thats her choice. a simple discussion via text of your desire for shared custody shouldnt cause her to turn round and say she doesnt want to see you so there must have been more in the texts than you are saying on here.

texts are not the medium to make life changing decisions! its needs all 3 of you to sit down and discuss what is best for your daughter. at the end of the day its her that matters most.

The bit in bold is some of the best advice I've seen on this thread.

make_me_wise

level200 wrote: »

Come to the conclusion that some people here are just man haters, perhaps they have had a bad experience themselves and now tar every man with the same brush.

Is it so hard to believe that a man/dad is devistated about his wifes affair, that he wants to do the right thing starting by moving out to ease tensions at home and try to keep things normal for his daughter, that he wants to persue an active parent relationship with his daughter and bring her up equally whilst providing financial support and putting a roof over her head.

Is it so hard to believe that a woman is capable of doing what she did and manipulating the situation to please herself!

I give up!

Rise above a certain individual on this thread who has had a bad experience and chooses to see every man in the same way. Shame on her for not having enough common sense to judge each situation for what it is and for coming across so aggressively. An ugly way to carry on in my opinion.

Dont let her responses on here knock your confidence or resolve to be a good dad to your kid. Dont give up, just keep going and do all you can to keep a positive relationship with your daughter.

January20

Jinx wrote: »

Perhaps your daughter is miffed because you were talking shared residency without asking if it was what she wanted and her perception of it? At 14 she will have strong views....

Perhaps she is miffed because her father didn't pay for the gym membership her and her mother requested on top of regular maintenance (OP's other thread).

OP, if I have remembered your other thread correctly, I think you may well be manipulated and it might be a good idea to back off a little - until they both cool down.

As for shared residency, you really should have included your dd in the discussions and certainly not done it by text. Personally, I find the idea of shared residency abhorrent. I had a student a few years ago who spent 1/2 her time at mum's and the other 1/2 at dad's. Consequently, she had no real home and she had her stuff in both places and kept forgetting her things in either home - as teenagers are not the most organised people in the world! I felt so sorry for her. Whatever you want for yourself, think of your dd first and what will make her happy or you could ruin the relationship for a long time.

princessdreamer

make_me_wise wrote: »

Rise above a certain individual on this thread who has had a bad experience and chooses to see every man in the same way. Shame on her for not having enough common sense to judge each situation for what it is and for coming across so aggressively. An ugly way to carry on in my opinion.

Dont let her responses on here knock your confidence or resolve to be a good dad to your kid. Dont give up, just keep going and do all you can to keep a positive relationship with your daughter.

Shame on you for forming that opinion based on what, if he keeps pushing for his own way he will lose her because of his demands and his constant blaming of the mother. That is the situation and I have seen it more than once, shock horror even when I was married.

But OP carry on fighting go to court push for your own way, blame the mother because the teen has her own opinions. Be like my ex rather than listening or take the advice and leave her to come round (or not) on her terms.

moomoomama27

princessdreamer wrote: »

Shame on you for forming that opinion

It's an opinion that more than one person has had though!

I agree if this was a woman posting it would be a whole different thing!

rinabean

How would it "be a whole different thing"? The bit about somehow causing your partner to have an affair was disgusting, I agree, but people say that more often to women than to men.

OP, you've sent texts that have infuriated your daughter. You don't deny that you sent them, and you don't seem shocked that, having seen them, your daughter is furious with you. You are totally aware that what you wrote would upset her. That makes it your fault. If you say things that will make your daughter furious, it's not someone else's fault for showing your daughter the texts you expressed those feelings in, it's your fault. That's why most people are blaming you. Not because you're a man and there's an infestation of man-haters here.

I agree that trying to get shared residency of your 14 year old daughter is crazy. I hated going to my mum's one day a week at that age, hell would have frozen over before I consented to living there half the time. You really should have asked her if she wanted to before asking her mum if it was allowed, and thinking of going to court over it is absolutely insane. Perhaps you would get your daughter living with you for half of two years, but the courts would absolutely go with her wishes, and then you'd lose her for the rest of your lives. Assuming your texts were benign and "calm" as you claim, I'm sure apologising to her for discussing her over her head like she was a little child or maybe even a piece of furniture will help. Surely you can understand that that would be really annoying, especially to teenagers who are desperate to assert their independence!

victory

level200 wrote: »

Come to the conclusion that some people here are just man haters, perhaps they have had a bad experience themselves and now tar every man with the same brush.

Is it so hard to believe that a man/dad is devistated about his wifes affair, that he wants to do the right thing starting by moving out to ease tensions at home and try to keep things normal for his daughter, that he wants to persue an active parent relationship with his daughter and bring her up equally whilst providing financial support and putting a roof over her head.

Is it so hard to believe that a woman is capable of doing what she did and manipulating the situation to please herself!

I give up!

No absoutely not, what comes across those is frustration, anger, rage, annoyance, difficulty, if the text have the same vein, if the talks have been heated, if the daughter has seen and heard the way you have gone off, she could be worried about her mum, scared of what you will do or say next, she may feel uncomfortable being dragged in by her mum allowing her to read your texts, because tensions are so high it is causing more damage than good, you could see your daughter and explain but only this time face to face not text, bbm, emails etc just plain dad to daughter, if you want your daughter you have to fight for what you want but let her see you love her not that you are causing waves.

psychopathbabble

You can only let your daughter decide for her. as previous posters have said, just let her know she is welcome anytime to stay, pop in, come for dinner, or whatever. Give her time to make her own mind up and choose what she wants to do. Make sure future communication with ex is by telephone or face to face, if your ex texts you then call her back instead of texting her back. Stay calm and don't let your daughter see how upset with your ex you are.

IF, and I'm not saying she is, the mother is feeding your daughter negative ideas about you, your daughter is old enough to eventually realise this for what it is and make her own decisions about seeing you. The worst thing you can do is try to force anything as it will create tension and resentment and she will be evenless likely to want to see you.

Hope you can work things out

ETA: My friends kids had to spend every weekend at their dads, having him put their mum down all the time and making them change clothes as soon as they got there, etc etc... soon enough as soon as they were old enough they chose to spend less time with him. At 14, your daughter is too old to be forced into anything, patience is the key.

FarmersWife_2

level200 wrote: »

Because she told me she would!

And they usually do... Oh ex brought 15 yr old son out at midnight and sat him in the car whilst she stood on my doorstep hurling abuse at OH because he wouldnt pay all of the mortgage, all of the bills, and all of the debts...

She also spoke about what was going on in front of him

C x

desert_rose

14 year olds have a mind of their own and maintaining a relationship with your daughter is going to be the hardest thing you will ever have to do as shared experiences begin to disappear, other people enter the frame, life moves on...as it always does.

She needs stability and for now, I'd just back off. Keep positive, keep cheerful, let her know how much you care and set aside a time and a day (and keep to it), when you mail/phone/text. Keep on doing it even when she doesn't respond - and she won't at times!

Get some books off Amazon on the issues you're trying to deal with here. There's some good stuff out there and knowledge and understanding from you is the key to moving everything forward.

And patience!