14year old daughter refuses to visit

RAS

You have several things goping on here which are conflating.

I have a lot of sympathy but you repeatedly tell us the breakdown was not your fault. it takes two to tango, so even if your missus has been [EMAIL="sh*@ging"]sh*%ging[/EMAIL] someone else, something was wrong with the relationship before that started. I know how easy it is for relationships to collapse quicky, but there has to be something not right in the first place.

And you have to remember that teenagers kick off anyway when faced with "authority".

level200 wrote: »

the sex messages happen a lot later in the evening.

Good

My daughter was shown the messages from me initially asking about shared residence.

Being shuttled between two houses and forced to be nice to both parents when you actually want to spend time with your mates is no a teenagers idea of heaven

This happened after my wife used a ticket that she bought me to watch my daughters dance group to a friend. That ticket was bought for me months ago. I want to watch my daughter!

What has that got to do with shared residency? Nothing
.
My daughter has always been for her mother as she gets away with murder with her. I just want the opportunity to bring my daughter up equally as a loving father should.

So there is a long standing issue round parental modes of operation and your daughter has a long history of playing one off against the other?

And the last thing a teenager wants a committed parent, most of them want to get their own way.

I was very calm throughout and did not bite no matter what she said, I have kept all the messages as I might need them as evidence if she lets things get out of hand.

Agreed you need to keep them but I doubt if there is any way they would be any use in a residency or contact case.

Hopefully this wont happen.

adamantine

if your daughter doesnt want to see you then thats her choice. a simple discussion via text of your desire for shared custody shouldnt cause her to turn round and say she doesnt want to see you so there must have been more in the texts than you are saying on here.

texts are not the medium to make life changing decisions! its needs all 3 of you to sit down and discuss what is best for your daughter. at the end of the day its her that matters most.

victory

Fully agree with kay the dreaded text messages thread again or the emails never face to face, never, open honest direct and to the point always distorted forms of communication that get taken out of context, seem harsher and more damaging when written than if said and seen what the reaction is from the other person...

make_me_wise

May I ask what was in the texts? Was there anything written in them that may have upset your daughter? If not and you were just asking for shared residency then give your daughter a little time and space.

I would think she is probably feeling very torn at the moment. It is impossible for any of us to know what your wife has been saying to her.

Send your daughter a text and say how much you love and miss her. Tell her that she is always welcome at your place and that you hope to see her soon. Say in it that she can contact you when she feels ready and if she has any worries or concerns she can call you anytime.

By doing this you are respecting her and treating her as a young lady and not a child. At 14 she is becoming a young woman and she will appreciate you handling this in a calm, considered way.

barbiedoll

If your daughter has seen the words "shared residency" on a text, she probably imagines that you will demand that she spend exactly half of her time with you, including holidays, weekends, Christmas etc etc.

At 14, they want to be doing exactly the opposite, my DSD would rather boil her own head than spend days at a time with her dad, especially as he is the one who constantly nags her about her school attendance, her unsuitable friends/boyfriends, her clothes, her homework and so on.

She may well be scared of change, of "moving in" to a new place with you and of being disloyal to her mum, however misplaced that loyalty may be to you. At her age, residency shouldn't be an issue unless she is in a place of danger, it is up to her if she sees you or not.

Forget about getting residency agreements in writing for now, just do as others have suggested, text, email and even write to her to show her that you care. To be honest, if she's anything like most teenagers, she will soon be running round to you for money, a place to stay when she has a row with her mum, and for driving lessons so don't worry too much about losing contact just yet. It's early days and she must be unsettled by the break-up, give her time to get her head together.

make_me_wise

Your daughter may well be really struggling at the moment emotionally. Its hard enough for teenagers to think that their own parents have sex. To know that 'mummy' has been 'up to it' with a boyfriend and that 'daddy' is upset and has left home, is probably very upsetting and embarrassing. Her own emotions may well be all she can cope with dealing with right now.

She might imagine that shared residency will put limits on her life. That she will end up an emotional crutch for you and your ex. Being pulled between the two of you. Not saying that will happen but it could be what she is thinking.

Then comes the ultimate horrendous decision. If she is split between you, who and how does she decide to spend Xmas, her birthday, any special occasions with. The thought of shared residency to you is a good thing. To a 14 year old it could be terrifying and to much to face.

make_me_wise

princessdreamer wrote: »

Your daughter wants to live with her mother, your daughter does not want to see you. She is the one with rights not you, if you keep pushing her she will walk away for good and the only person you can blame is you.

The OPs wife had an affair. He left the family home as his emotions about this were all over the place. He wants to be a good dad to his daughter and was on here a few days back asking about providing maintenance to support his daughter.

How do you come to the conclusion therefore, that if his daughter wants nothing to do with him the only person he can blame is himself?

Talk about kick a man when he is down.

DUTR

RAS wrote: »

You have no rights at all, sorry.

Your daughter has the right to see both parents but neither of you have any right to see her.

Ditto re residence; as her age her opinion will be taken into account by the courts if it gets there.

That's not strictly true, perhaps in the case of the OP, but if a parent wants nowt to do with the child, little can be done about that.

milliebear00001

The OP's version o the breakup and the texting is extremely one sided. I am suspicious becuase of that!

You don't have a right to your daughter - as I think somebody already pointed out. Your daughter is the one with the rights. If she chooses not to see you, what exactly do you want to be the outcome - that a Court forces her to? Is that really what you want your relationship with her to be based on?

Madness. She is 14, not 4. Old enough to decide whether to see you or not. Perhaps her mother has poisoned her against you...or perhaps not. Have you ever questioned your 'blamelessness' in all this, and thought that perhaps a tiny part of her decision may have something to do with you and your actions?

I would suggest that you hold important discussions with your child's mother face to face, or at least over the phone. Keep trying to maintain contact with your daughter. Write to her, email her, text her. Tell her you love her and want to spend time with her. And hope that eventually, she responds to your persistence.

System

make_me_wise wrote: »

May I ask what was in the texts? Was there anything written in them that may have upset your daughter? If not and you were just asking for shared residency then give your daughter a little time and space.

I would think she is probably feeling very torn at the moment. It is impossible for any of us to know what your wife has been saying to her.

Send your daughter a text and say how much you love and miss her. Tell her that she is always welcome at your place and that you hope to see her soon. Say in it that she can contact you when she feels ready and if she has any worries or concerns she can call you anytime.

By doing this you are respecting her and treating her as a young lady and not a child. At 14 she is becoming a young woman and she will appreciate you handling this in a calm, considered way.

Really sensible advise imo.

I do find some of the comments on here very negative,
If you reverse the gender here, I think there would be a throwing up of hands in horror! Imagine if it were the husband who'd had an affair and was sending details of sexual acts by text to his child's mother...he'd been flayed alive on here ( see other threads!).