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14year old daughter refuses to visit
Comments
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Come to the conclusion that some people here are just man haters, perhaps they have had a bad experience themselves and now tar every man with the same brush.
Is it so hard to believe that a man/dad is devistated about his wifes affair, that he wants to do the right thing starting by moving out to ease tensions at home and try to keep things normal for his daughter, that he wants to persue an active parent relationship with his daughter and bring her up equally whilst providing financial support and putting a roof over her head.
Is it so hard to believe that a woman is capable of doing what she did and manipulating the situation to please herself!
I give up!
I totally agree, it wasn't so long ago that some of the people here were slating a man for having an affair, saying he wasn't a real man etc etc and the woman was innocent. To the same end why they cannot support you is beyond me!
As for any advice I can give, just hang in there, learn that you ex is very manipulative and little steps with you daughter, no pressure. Be true to yourself and try and rebuild YOU, show your daughter you've got a great life and what she is missing...0 -
I totally agree, it wasn't so long ago that some of the people here were slating a man for having an affair, saying he wasn't a real man etc etc and the woman was innocent. To the same end why they cannot support you is beyond me!
As for any advice I can give, just hang in there, learn that you ex is very manipulative and little steps with you daughter, no pressure. Be true to yourself and try and rebuild YOU, show your daughter you've got a great life and what she is missing...
Because the issue of the affair and the issue of his relationship with his daughter are two totally separate issues. The fact that his wife cheated on him was wrong and as such have all sympathy, however, this doesn't take away the fact that if he uses his teenager as a mean to get back to his wife is just not going to help his relationship with his daughter. 14 years old are usually very selfish beings. They make decisions on how things affect and impact on them much more than how they affect and impact others. Although not all are the same, it is likely that if his daughter doesn't want to see him (even though she did twice before that tex business) is because she got upset by what he said in the text affecting her more than affecting her mother. This is why I am making the assumption it is to do with her feeling humiliated that he could have told his wife that he wanted shared custody without even discussing it with her first.0 -
Because the issue of the affair and the issue of his relationship with his daughter are two totally separate issues.
I've no issue with them being separate, some other users do/did.... To watch the change in behaviour given a change in context/gender makes them a joke...
..WHY, should his OH have talked to him and said she wanted custody? Same old bias.....he could have told his wife that he wanted shared custody.
The OP has been treated like a mug and acted way too much like a gent, to assume he shouldn't have any negative reaction is complete tosh; you need to get real...
As far as i'm concerned his daughter needed to know her mum did what she did. It's all out in the open, so what, short-term his daughter is shocked.. she's 14 going on 15, they've discussed sex ed at school, she's a maturing young lady, has her own opinion and who knows what her personal relationship thoughts are. Why people think OP should continue the pretence to protect his ex i've no idea and why he needs to carry blame associate with those that move out is equally crazy....
OP should never have had to feel like he's had to fall on his own sword...0 -
I've no issue with them being separate, some other users do/did.... To watch the change in behaviour given a change in context/gender makes them a joke...
..WHY, should his OH have talked to him and said she wanted custody? Same old bias.....
No, because presumably, the OP left the family home while the mother and daughter stayed? By default, it is he who needs to talk about custody if he wants to alter that arrangement!
The OP has been treated like a mug and acted way too much like a gent, to assume he shouldn't have any negative reaction is complete tosh; you need to get real...
As far as i'm concerned his daughter needed to know her mum did what she did. It's all out in the open, so what, short-term his daughter is shocked.. she's 14 going on 15, they've discussed sex ed at school, she's a maturing young lady, has her own opinion and who knows what her personal relationship thoughts are. Why people think OP should continue the pretence to protect his ex i've no idea and why he needs to carry blame associate with those that move out is equally crazy....
OP should never have had to feel like he's had to fall on his own sword...
This is just alpha male rubbish - "the OP has been treated like a mug..." etc - who exactly has treated him "like a mug"?. The OP's wife had an affair - not great but it doesn't make her the Devil incarnate. Men have affairs, and guess what, it doesn't make them the Devil incarnate either. All of that is completely separate though to the issue at hand, which is the OP's assumption that he can make demands about seeing his daughter, and that it's his wife trying to stop him from doing so.
His daughter is the one who is making the choice - and rightly so. That might be unpalatable to her father, but it's true. All he can do - and this is where many parents coming out of a nasty break-up struggle - is keep trying to maintain some contact with her, as it's largely out of his control.0 -
milliebear00001 wrote: »This is just alpha male rubbish - "the OP has been treated like a mug..."
Why is it alpha male rubbish and not a cultural issue?
she had the affair, she told him all the details (or pushed his buttons), she kept the house, she gets paid off him, she gets to see the daughter, she gets to look like the innocent one... and it's him behaving badly... That is alpha male rubbish? You're typing nonsense, for it to be alpha male there has to be power and he has none...
This is all about power and control over the naive, OP has no power and been naive..
As for the daughter stuff, see my previous comments obviously you didn't read them... I'll also add, regardless of how he treats his daughter she will always be close to her mum... OP will be treading on eggshells for a very long time...0 -
Why is it alpha male rubbish and not a cultural issue?
she had the affair, she told him all the details (or pushed his buttons), she kept the house, she gets paid off him, she gets to see the daughter, she gets to look like the innocent one... and it's him behaving badly... That is alpha male rubbish? You're typing nonsense, for it to be alpha male there has to be power and he has none...
This is all about power and control over the naive, OP has no power and been naive..
As for the daughter stuff, see my previous comments obviously you didn't read them... I'll also add, regardless of how he treats his daughter she will always be close to her mum... OP will be treading on eggshells for a very long time...
It's your comments that are typically 'alpha male' - not the OP.
You, very typically, see him as the 'wronged man' - with a !!!!less wife who has made a fool of him by shagging someone else, but the view you have of the entire saga, is based on an extremely one-sided account of what went before.
None of it has anything to do with how the OP deals with the situation with his daughter. It is her wishes that are paramount here - not his wife's and not his, but he has come here and posted about how he is determined to 'see' her - even going down the route of expecting shared custody, without once having asked her what her wishes are - that is his mistake and does give some insight into his thought processes about the situation he finds himself in.
He needs to accept that he cannot control this, but he can come out of it as a good dad, by not giving up hope, keeping all channels of contact open, and periodly reassuring his daughter that he is still here, ready and waiting, for the time when she is ready to see him again.0 -
I am one of those who do believe that an affair doesn't automatically means that the one having it is 100% in the wrong, and before I am being accused of saying it because it is the woman here to had the affair, I said exactly the same to my colleague yesterday who has just found out her husband had been cheating on her. It was also my reaction when my partner told me that his wife left after she cheated on him. Yes, an affair is always wrong, but often the result of something going wrong with the relationship as a whole.
I still think that this should be separated from the issue of the relationship between OP and his daughter.0 -
milliebear00001 wrote: »It's your comments that are typically 'alpha male' - not the OP.
You, very typically, see him as the 'wronged man' - with a !!!!less wife who has made a fool of him by shagging someone else, but the view you have of the entire saga, is based on an extremely one-sided account of what went before.
I don't agree; I expressed a distinct bias away from OP in favour of OH in the arrangements that he's expressed, which is not uncommon at the gender level and which leaves him at a distinct disadvanatge given the circumstances he has expressed which led to the breakup. That is not alpha male, it is observation... I would do exactly the same it they were female and have expressed as such... The fact you do not wish to acknowledge the bias is not about me, it's about you.. Regardless of what went on before the consequense is a biased shift in power, how that power was captured and used is an issue in OP's life and his relationship with his daughter....0 -
Please either phone her or write her a letter saying you love her, miss her and that you are there for her always. Then wait for her to come to you. Please don't text or leave messages on facebook because it's much more personnel if you phone or write a letter but not email.0
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I don't agree; I expressed a distinct bias away from OP in favour of OH in the arrangements that he's expressed, which is not uncommon at the gender level and which leaves him at a distinct disadvanatge given the circumstances he has expressed which led to the breakup. That is not alpha male, it is observation... I would do exactly the same it they were female and have expressed as such... The fact you do not wish to acknowledge the bias is not about me, it's about you.. Regardless of what went on before the consequense is a biased shift in power, how that power was captured and used is an issue in OP's life and his relationship with his daughter....
I actually have no idea what any of that rather complicated monologue means...0
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