14year old daughter refuses to visit

Brighton_belle

Just to balance the bias OP, as a woman, I'd just like to say I have no trouble taking your position at face value, as I do every OP on this forum: I don't instantly assume well they must be lying or hiding something. Some women can be vindictive and manipulative and if you Ex is this sort of woman you will have a tough time.

If the OP was a woman, it would be far less likely she would be blamed for her ex having an affair.

I think other posters are correct though - your daughter is old enough to say whether she wants to see you or not. Tread softly softly, back off and give this situation time. If nothing else, when she wants something she might find her way to your door.

Teenage girls are often embarrassed by their father anyway. I love my dad so much, but at fourteen I wouldn't have wanted to go and spend a weekend just with him. Very sad for dads when splits occur.

Please please don't ever dicuss these sort of matters by text again. Keep txts for friendly nice things. They are a disaster waiting to happen in this sort of situation.

moomoomama27

make_me_wise wrote: »

The OPs wife had an affair. He left the family home as his emotions about this were all over the place. He wants to be a good dad to his daughter and was on here a few days back asking about providing maintenance to support his daughter.

How do you come to the conclusion therefore, that if his daughter wants nothing to do with him the only person he can blame is himself?

Talk about kick a man when he is down.

Totally agree with this.

OP I hope your DD will come round and see that you want to me a Dad to her, and that nothings changed the way you feel. Maybe you could write her a letter and put in all the things you want her to know, reassure her of a few things, maybe arrange to meet up on neutral ground if that would make her more comfortable. She's torn, she doesn't really want to hurt you, it's just her loyalties to her Mum (who she's with all the time), will be strong, because she most likely feels thay have to be.

I was in a similar situation to your daughter when my parents split, and I would have responded to my Dad approaching me with reassurance (which he never did.)

If that doesn't work, give it time, I'm sure once things have settled down then she'll come round.

Best of luck!

level200

Come to the conclusion that some people here are just man haters, perhaps they have had a bad experience themselves and now tar every man with the same brush.

Is it so hard to believe that a man/dad is devistated about his wifes affair, that he wants to do the right thing starting by moving out to ease tensions at home and try to keep things normal for his daughter, that he wants to persue an active parent relationship with his daughter and bring her up equally whilst providing financial support and putting a roof over her head.

Is it so hard to believe that a woman is capable of doing what she did and manipulating the situation to please herself!

I give up!

bedpotato_2

RAS wrote: »

I have a lot of sympathy but you repeatedly tell us the breakdown was not your fault. it takes two to tango, so even if your missus has been [EMAIL="sh*@ging"]sh*%ging[/EMAIL] someone else, something was wrong with the relationship before that started. I know how easy it is for relationships to collapse quicky, but there has to be something not right in the first place.

You seem to be implying that if people are cheated on, it's their own fault and they did something wrong. That implication is frankly outrageous. "If your spouse cheats on you, it must be your fault - you weren't giving them enough sex" is just a load of offensive crap that's all about blaming the victim of adultury, not the adulterer. Sometimes it may be true, but most adulterous people are just disgusting lowlife cheating scum who cheat on gentle, kind people who are loving, trusting, and totally faithful, and have poured out 100% of love into a relationship only to be treated like crap in return.

Your statement that "it takes two to tango" makes no sense in the context you have used it in. It is a saying that implies "it takes two consenting adults to have sex" so it would appear you are implying that the OP in some way had something to do with his ex having sex with another man.

Your views are confused, offensive, and totally messed up. Go away and leave the poor OP alone.

OP, I hope things work out for you OK.

mazza111

It's a difficult one. I encouraged both my kids to see their father, but when they got to the teenager stage they chose not to see him. I've never said a bad word about him, never tried to keep them from him. 14 is a difficult age, give the lass time and maybe she will come round.

Welshwoofs

Heh - as a woman I find some of the responses on here awful. It basically seems that as it's a man wanting to see his daughter he's the evil !!!!!! who must have done something wrong....and yet how often do we see whinges about men who don't get involved and want to see their children? Seems men cannot win sometimes the poor beggers.

Op - I HATE texting. You have 160 characters to convey often complicated emotions and ideas and that means you have to cut what you want to say down to the very basics. The problem with such condensed communication is that it can easily come across as brusque and be misinterpreted. Regardless of what was in the texts, your ex showing your daughter them is irresponsible in my view; the child should never be dragged into disputes.

I would back off a bit and send your daughter a letter....a real handwritten letter. They are SO much different to receive than an email because the person on the other end knows that effort has been put in. Simply tell her that you're sorry for upsetting her, you're not trying to take her away from her Mum or anything of that nature (you don't know how 'shared residency' has been explained to her), but you'd really love to see her. Offer her something simple that she likes; for instance an offer to take her to the cinema, but don't offer up a date, simply tell her that IF she'd like to go she should just let you know when. That way there's an offer of contact on the table that's not fixed or pressured and she can sit back and have a think about it.
Meanwhile I would contact your ex (phone, not text!) and ask her if you can both meet somewhere neutral, without your daughter, to discuss how to move forward and avoid giving your daughter further upset…which is something that’s in both your best interests.

QuackQuackOops

Why such important discussions are done by text in the first place is weird to me.
You have to just leave them to it. Your daughter will come to you when she see's that its the ex who is trying to cause the trouble, not you. But believe me when I say your ex will trip herself up and you wont have to say a thing.
Be patient and be a great parent.

QuackQuackOops

princessdreamer wrote: »

To do what!!!!! Your daughter is a teenager no court will force her to see you. If you go against her mother she will hate you for it. You need to get a grip we are not talking about a controlled toddler.

Look at the way you are communicating with the OP!
He came on here to ask some advice and you have more or less called him an abuser and are now getting shirty with him when he responded calmly.

I think it is you who needs to get a grip and stop jumping to conclusions about the OP.

princessdreamer

Having been on the other side I can only speak from having the experience of an ex who liked to blame me and throw his weight around. His children hate him for doing it. The only way to move forward is to be civil.

Jinx

Perhaps your daughter is miffed because you were talking shared residency without asking if it was what she wanted and her perception of it? At 14 she will have strong views....