14year old daughter refuses to visit

level200

rinabean wrote: »

OP, you've sent texts that have infuriated your daughter. You don't deny that you sent them, and you don't seem shocked that, having seen them, your daughter is furious with you. You are totally aware that what you wrote would upset her. That makes it your fault.

the text was sent to my wife, not my daughter! I was what we could do and I brought up the shared residency. Again it was for my wife and not my daughter! My wife showed it to her to spark conflict.

adamantine

level200 wrote: »

the text was sent to my wife, not my daughter! I was what we could do and I brought up the shared residency. Again it was for my wife and not my daughter! My wife showed it to her to spark conflict.

but you shouldnt have been talking about your daughter behind her back like she is a little child! she is 14 and fully aware of what is happening and has her own opinions and feelings.

put yourself in her shoes. at 14 your parents were splitting up and they were fighting over who you live with when you are just wanting everything to stay the same and no one has bothered to ask you what you think and how you want to divide your time. you would be !!!!!! off too and not want to talk to the parent who brought up shuffling you between 2 homes every 3-4 days!

January20

level200 wrote: »

the text was sent to my wife, not my daughter! I was what we could do and I brought up the shared residency. Again it was for my wife and not my daughter! My wife showed it to her to spark conflict.

Although there could well be a degree of manipulation from you wife here, it could also be that you wife realises more than you that your daughter HAS to be involved in the discussions about where she is going to live and with who, how often she will visit and for how long, and remember that if she doesn't want to see you, there is nothing you can do!

As the poster above this post said, she is 14, not 4. As soon as you realise that and treat her like a young girl growing into a woman, you will be making a step forward!

I do feel for you, but your daughter is not a piece of furniture that you and your wife can fight over. She is a young person with a mind of her own whose world has just been blown apart! As I've said before, put her emotional needs first - not yours .

princessdreamer

Another point is court takes a long time, my friend is 2 nearly 3 years into fighting to see his children and no further forward. TBH if my ex ever did file for access I would talk to my teenager about it, what his father was saying and what I planned to do about it. Ok I have discussed it and got back do what you like I am not going to see him.

Welshwoofs

It seems that the key to me is that you now know your wife will show your daughter anything you choose to send your wife. So in that case, write anything you have to say to your wife with an eye to your daughter also seeing it. As I said, stay away from texts because apart from the brevity of them, there's also the fact that if your wife shows your daughter your texts coming in it may well be that she's NOT showing her the texts she sends out. A one-sided conversation can give a very one-sided impression.

I'd keep your communications to actual talking but, if you want evidence that you have agreed to X, Y and Z I would confirm that agreement by letter (keeping a copy). Not that I'm cynical, but if your wife has already had an affair then she's obviously proved she can deceive, so it's best to cover your own backside and make sure you have everything agreed written down.

It is definitely the case that your daughter will have her own ideas; you have to play the tactical long game by being light, calm and interested when communicating with your daughter. Don't pressure her into visits and DON'T attempt to buy her love - whilst that may work whilst they're Magpie like teens, in a few years they start to think that "Daddy only showed his love by throwing gifts at me." The best thing you can do is carry on being *normal* with her and letting her know that you're there to talk or help out with anything she needs. If your wife is being a biatch; by you continuing on smoothly and normally her own actions will be highlighted all the more.

Going by your other thread, your wife is having an affair with a married man who's got a young child - well just comfort yourself by remembering that if she *does* get together with this chap, somewhere out there will be a woman who'll be !!!!!! off in the extreme. Comfort yourself by the thought that whichever way it goes with your wife's affair; it's NOT going to be plain sailing for her - so forget her niggles and concentrate on presenting your best side to your daughter

FatVonD

A course I went on asked us to imagine the statue of liberty with a 2p laid flat on top, the statue of liberty represents the whole time the human race has been able to communicate, the 2p how long we have had texts/emails etc so why on earth would we think we could get our point across by these methods??!

OP, I hate it whenever I hear someone talk about shared residency, it smacks of trying to cut the child in half to get your 'fair' share and it doesn't work like that, your daughter needs the stability of having somewhere that is 'home'.

I have teenage stepchildren who have all been delighted to come to ours until they hit the teenage years (the same with my DS and his dad) and then suddenly the last thing they want is to spend the weekend with EITHER parent, they just want to hang out with their friends. Be honest, if you were still in the family home how much would you actually see of her at weekends?

Offer to go to see her on her turf on a night she wouldn't otherwise be having fun with her mates, offer to take her to the cinema or for a pizza on a Wednesday night and pick her up and drop her back to her mum's house where she has all her own things. The important thing is maintaining contact in a meaningful way with your daughter, not whether you get your fair share of time.

FatVonD

PS Can I also say that Freud would say that, in order to build healthy relationships with the opposite sex, a teenager has to reject their opposite sex parent in their teenage years and the closer the relationship the greater the rejection has to be. I was a real daddy's girl but I couldn't bear him when I was a teenager.

FBaby

Did you bring up the issue of shared residency out of anger, to upset/annoy you ex? Had you discussed it with your daughter firstly? Because if that is the case, it is no surprise at all that she would be angry and not wanting to see you. Your 14yo is not a commodity, she is a teenager with many needs. She has already experienced the shock of seeing her family breaking up, most likely as a typical 14 yo, she is first thinking of how it will affect HER. She is adjusting to the situation, that is living with her mum and continuing as normal as possible and spending time with you during the week-end, and then suddenly you span a 'I want shared residency' out of the blue, an act that would have a significant impact on her, but hey, no point of asking her first how she would feel about it. If it is how it happened, it was a selfish decision to do it this way and I wouldn't be surprised that your 14yo would react strongly (because she is a teenager).

The fact that you say your ex shouldn't have showed it to your daughter is no better than the fact you mentioned to her before discussing it with your daughter first. You've been through a very difficult time and it is understandbly that you are hurt and angry, but it is not your DD fault either and she shouldn't become a weapon to your pain. Your relationship with her is separate to your relationship with her mum.

SingleSue

DUTR wrote: »

That's not strictly true, perhaps in the case of the OP, but if a parent wants nowt to do with the child, little can be done about that.

Tell me about it......just the same as you cannot force a child to see a parent if it is not what they want to do, you can't force a parent either to see a child.

Ex hubby gets upset when on his fleeting visits back here - once per year for 2 hours, the boys don't really want to see him but he just cannot see that his own actions (not seeing them regularly and putting them behind everything and everyone else in importance) has caused them to not really want a relationship with him. I do make them go though (the two younger ones anyway, eldest at 18 is an adult now), usually using bribery :eek: and eldest organising something fun for them to do when he is here (ex hubby can't even think of things to do with them as he is so out of touch with their lives) but they are not keen.

No parental pressure to go against their dad here, the boys keep telling me to stop defending him!

Jinx

I have been divorced for a long time and I just wanted to let you know how it worked in the teenage years with my daughter (shes now 19). She used to go to her dads every weekend for an overnight stay and they spoke whenever they wanted and we genuinely tried to keep everything calm and friendly for her sake (didnt always suceed, especially in the early years but heyho).

When she became a teenager her friends were far more important to her than her parents, she didnt spend anymore time with me than she did her dad. But what started happening was he started trying to emotionally blackmail her into seeing more of him and even when she did he would moan about the little time they had together instead of focussing on enjoying it. Its had a lasting effect.

I did try to make him see what he was doing but the end result is that now when she comes home she spends most of her time with my family and a token day or so with her dad. I dont doubt the OP loves his daughter and would like to be a good dad but OP you need to step back, let things calm a bit and play the long game. Your daughter is not a child and you cannot make decisions for her. My daughter does not and would not have tolerated this scenario and I can guarantee she didnt want to live half the week with her dad. It needs to be about her and not the parents.