14year old daughter refuses to visit

level200

flutterby_lil wrote: »

How do you know the ex has her claws in

Because she told me she would!

bizzybee

When you say recently separated how long has it been?

As an aside, never ever put anything you may later regret in writing. Been there, done that!

RAS

level200 wrote: »

To be honest I was very calm whilst she told me everything she did sex wise with her affair!

I do hope that was not in the texts your daughter has be shown by mum?

I suggest you read some of the threads on narcissism on here.

Nicki

level200 wrote: »

Why does a woman always asume that the man is in the wrong and abusive!

To be honest I was very calm whilst she told me everything she did sex wise with her affair! All I want is to see my daughter.

Seems a bit odd and not all that convincing that a mum would show her 14 year old daughter an exchange of texts in which she described sex acts she had carried out with her lover whilst still married, and dad does not respond nastily, and yet the daughter decides on reading that exchange to cut off all contact with dad in favour of mum.

I suspect there is more to this than has been laid out so far, and that you are maybe too close to the situation to make any decisions today about what to do. Maybe give things the weekend to calm down, then apologise for anything you need to apologise for and start making conciliatory approaches to your DD to rebuild the relationship.

flutterby_lil

level200 wrote: »

Why does a woman always asume that the man is in the wrong and abusive!

To be honest I was very calm whilst she told me everything she did sex wise with her affair! All I want is to see my daughter.

How do you know that princess dreamer is a woman?

flutterby_lil

Nicki wrote: »

Seems a bit odd and not all that convincing that a mum would show her 14 year old daughter an exchange of texts in which she described sex acts she had carried out with her lover whilst still married, and dad does not respond nastily, and yet the daughter decides on reading that exchange to cut off all contact with dad in favour of mum.

I suspect there is more to this than has been laid out so far, and that you are maybe too close to the situation to make any decisions today about what to do. Maybe give things the weekend to calm down, then apologise for anything you need to apologise for and start making conciliatory approaches to your DD to rebuild the relationship.

I agree with Nicki - there is something else to take into the equation!

princessdreamer

level200 wrote: »

Why does a woman always asume that the man is in the wrong and abusive!

To be honest I was very calm whilst she told me everything she did sex wise with her affair! All I want is to see my daughter.

You said the texts were shown to the daughter and the texts YOU sent were enough to make her not want to see you.

level200

the sex messages happen a lot later in the evening. My daughter was shown the messages from me initially asking about shared residence. This happened after my wife used a ticket that she bought me to watch my daughters dance group to a friend. That ticket was bought for me months ago. I want to watch my daughter!

My daughter has always been for her mother as she gets away with murder with her. I just want the opportunity to bring my daughter up equally as a loving father should.
I was very calm throughout and did not bite no matter what she said, I have kept all the messages as I might need them as evidence if she lets things get out of hand. Hopefully this wont happen.

Kay_Peel

I'm always surprised at how people choose the worst form of communication (texts) to negotiate and discuss such vital, important and sensitive matters.

To retrieve the situation requires nothing less than a face-to-face, sit down conversation. I would call on your ex unexpectedly (so that she and daughter don't have time to get on their indignant high horses), apologise if your unsubtle bombshell upset them and ask to start again.

This way, your daughter will see how much you want to be part of her life and your ex will have no reason to be angry and may even be placated.

Then put your case to both of them; listen to any objections, hurdles or difficulties that they forsee; and leave the meeting saying that they've made some good points and you'll go away and think about how to reassure them. In other words, don't expect anything but hostility and barriers.

It's not what you say, it's how sensitively and well-thought-out you say it - and that means face to face.

Good luck!

princessdreamer

Your daughter wants to live with her mother, your daughter does not want to see you. She is the one with rights not you, if you keep pushing her she will walk away for good and the only person you can blame is you.