14year old daughter refuses to visit

abacus73

princessdreamer wrote: »

Your daughter wants to live with her mother, your daughter does not want to see you. She is the one with rights not you, if you keep pushing her she will walk away for good and the only person you can blame is you.

princessdreamer wrote: »

To do what!!!!! Your daughter is a teenager no court will force her to see you. If you go against her mother she will hate you for it. You need to get a grip we are not talking about a controlled toddler.

princessdreamer wrote: »

Shame on you for forming that opinion based on what, if he keeps pushing for his own way he will lose her because of his demands and his constant blaming of the mother. That is the situation and I have seen it more than once, shock horror even when I was married.

But OP carry on fighting go to court push for your own way, blame the mother because the teen has her own opinions. Be like my ex rather than listening or take the advice and leave her to come round (or not) on her terms.

Okay pd you asked for examples so here they are. Seeing as you wanted me to point out your abuse rather than recognise and acknowledge it for yourself.

You know nothing about the OP and yet you saw fit to speak to him in such an awful way! Then you wonder why people question how stable you are :rotfl:

princessdreamer

Right nothing abusive there just simple facts on how these things go if not done correctly. Breakups are mostly awful, name calling and calling people unstable is however abusive.

pupsicola

princessdreamer wrote: »

Oh for gods sake you are a teacher you have no clue what you are talking about. Yet you continue to spout abuse cos you can hiding behind a keyboard I'm sure your head would be highly unimpressed by your behaviour as it is in your contract to not drag the school into disrepute and your actions on here breach that.

What a load of rubbish. She has given far better advice and empathy on this thread than you. I highlighted the above bit because you were asking for proof of your abuse. The rest of your post above is just not worth bothering with, you just spouting off in a fit of rage by the looks of it.

FBaby

I think princessdreamer's posts are harsh and opiniated, but not abusive and however hard it is to hear, not untrue. The daughter is the one with the rights and she will be the one deciding who she wants to see or not, so however unfair it might seem, it would be much better for the OP to distance himself from his feelings about the affair and anger/hate of the mother and focus on his daughter and the love and support she needs from her father at this point of time. It will not get better if it becomes a situation of everyone focussing on trying the other ones wrong in their behaviour/attitude.

By the way, it is highly possible that the daughter at this moment feels resentment as much against her mum than her dad, but she has to live somewhere.

KnightSmile

princessdreamer you have definitely come across as abrupt and defensive in my opinion. It may be a good idea to re-read OPs situation from a neutral stance, I appreciate that may difficult if your own personal experience has taught you something very different, but I'm sure you remain open to possibility your own experience may not be applicable in this situation, I hope you do not feel I'm having a dig at you and I'm not trying to have a go at you. I'm just trying to get the thread back to what was its original purpose.

OP - I haven't been in this situation personally but I think keeping a cool head during any interaction with your ex-partner and treating your daughter's view as important is a priority. Make yourself available to her at all times and treat her mother with respect and she will come around eventually.

I hope all goes to plan and wishing you all the best (you too princessdreamer).

KS

PS - I think its important to remember that you should be showing that you love your daughter more than you hate your ex-partner. If you can do that then you will know the best course of action.

princessdreamer

Not at all. My experience is that things go bad quickly. There is no way I would want the OP to not be able to see his daughter, as I said I discuss my own son seeing his father and because of his fathers behaviour it backfired. The worst thing a NRP can do in this situation is push to hard while openly blaming the mother.
Nothing can fix my sons relationship with his father now which is so sad, I gave my ex pretty much the same advice as I gave on here. he came to the same conclusion as some posters and lost his child in the process.

plumpmouse

It never ceases to amaze me that a lot of threads on here are women complaining about their ex's and their lack of interest in the children and yet when a man comes on here wanting to be a part of his children's life (following a break up caused by the woman's infidelity) he is put down and criticised.

For some women Men just can't do anything right! There are some men out there that do just want to do right by their families. And believe it or not there are some women who do there best to make these men's life hell.

The OP has probably made mistakes in his handling of things - but who doesn't sometimes????

I hope OP that you resolve the issues and do think Make Me Wise has given some good advice on this thread. Play it for the long game, contact may not be frequent at first but hopefully in the long run you and your daughter will have a good relationship again.I also hope that you can ignore some of the drivel posted on here by what seem to be very bitter ex wives who cannot understand that every situation is not like their own and that there are some decent men in the world!!!

Good luck

dizziblonde

May be of some use if I explain how it was when I decided to cut contact with my father at a similar age. In my case it was, undoubtedly, his fault - mid-life crisis, temptation in the way and he took it, had an affair, came back and was taken back but then chose to continue the affair - that's not a biased account via my mother, that's the rows I sat through from the age of 10 about it all.

In my case - both sides behaved appallingly - my mother, while a strong, intelligent woman (values I respect) was manipulative and, if anything, gave me far, far too much information, essentially confiding in me as a mini-adult and depriving me of my childhood in the process... my father, well, he couldn't keep it in his pants. Both used access over me and my brother as a points-scoring exercise, and while initially it was great getting two lots of pocket money (I was a mercenary little cow), it became obvious my dad only really wanted access to go through the motions, and would take us to his new house with his new woman and her kid, and basically abandon me to amuse myself with her kid for the afternoon.

It wasn't why I chose to refuse to go anymore though - basically I put my foot down one day aged about 13/14 and said I didn't want to go anymore (and I was perfectly prepared to say this to my father's face) because I didn't enjoy going there, it didn't feel like home to me so I couldn't relax (I still get like this now whenever I stay as a guest somewhere), and because having my weekend tied up with dad's access visits meant I was never able to do any of the teenage girl stuff I was desperate to do - like go shopping with friends, or to the cinema or whatever - whereas I could if I was at my mum's house... if there had been the will there to work around that, like dropping me off in town and picking me up or whatever - perhaps things would have been different - but it was not a massive rejection or anything - it was pure and simple that I wanted my weekends to be a teenager if that makes sense.

And yes, I was quite clear on why my parents divorced, you might judge I was "poisoned" by my mother - but even at that age, I saw the behaviour of both sides for what it was (I was a funny kid who watched and took in so much more than I let on to people, I saw and overheard lots of rows) - but it was just wanting to be in my familiar world that really made me refuse to go for access anymore - nothing more or less, because however flawed and however much of a prat he was being - I still idolised my dad and was desperate for him to love me still. As it was, he really did make clear in his subsequent behaviour that he'd only gone for access in order to needle at my mother and he really didn't give much of a stuff about us - but that's another story!

Might just help to hear it from the teenage perspective - I just didn't want to have to spend all Saturday, every Saturday in a house where I had none of my stuff, none of my friends and was, well, pretty bored really!