Step daughter's wedding - Who pays?

Plans_all_plans

skintchick wrote: »

You don't know that, what an awful thing to say.

I think it's awful to make comments about the DSD like that - you know nothing about her relationship.

In isolation I'd agree with you, but this is a person who is showing a total lack of grace and respect, which does not bode well for a marriage.

I'm sure that you wouldn't have said to your parents "25k, is that it? I'm afraid that's not enough for the day I've got planned, go away and rethink your offer!"

[Deleted User]

when our dd`s got married, both in the same year. We gave each of them £5000 towards whatever they wanted to do for their weddings. They both had gorgeous weddings, one had only the breakfast but had a horse and carriage. The other had the evening do. It was entirely their choice and was made simple by presenting each with a cheque to spend on whatever they liked towards their wedding. They were both extremely happy with that.

Don`t make a fuss with them op, just you and dh give a cheque, whatever you can afford and want to give, without killing yourselves. Make it a simple statement like `here is a little something to help towards your wedding costs`

skintchick

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

In isolation I'd agree with you, but this is a person who is showing a total lack of grace and respect, which does not bode well for a marriage.

I'm sure that you wouldn't have said to your parents "25k, is that it? I'm afraid that's not enough for the day I've got planned, go away and rethink your offer!"

Just because she has gone a bit Bridezilla doesn't mean she doesn't love her fiance, nor that her marriage will fail.

neverdespairgirl

I suppose it might to some extent depend on family tradition, and how much money you and your husband have, OP? If you're sitting on £500,000 in savings, and earn £300,000 a year in the household, contributing £1,500 might seem a bit mean. If other daughters in the family have had £10,000, ditto.

But if you're just earning a living and not wildly wealthy, the offer of a 4-figure sum sounds more than generous to me.

My grandparents did pay entirely for my parents wedding. But my Granny made my Mama's wedding dress, and the bridesmaids' dresses (she was a dressmaker), and Granny also did the flowers. My Mama made her wedding cake. My grandmothers, mother and various cousins did most of hte catering. So although there were quite a lot of people there, it didn't cost a fortune.

sashadesade

You've been more than generous, I'd tell the brat where to get off personally. We were given money as presents by kind relatives for our wedding but never asked for anything and planned to pay everything ourselves. You want a wedding, you pay - it's not a right!

claire16c

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

I suppose it might to some extent depend on family tradition, and how much money you and your husband have, OP? If you're sitting on £500,000 in savings, and earn £300,000 a year in the household, contributing £1,500 might seem a bit mean. If other daughters in the family have had £10,000, ditto.

But if you're just earning a living and not wildly wealthy, the offer of a 4-figure sum sounds more than generous to me.

.

I agree. It also seems pretty odd that shes also assuming her Dad is paying for it all and not her mum. Im pretty sure the tradition is the brides parents, not the Dad only!

We starting planning our wedding, and I knew my parents would pay for some of it because they were extremely excited about it and are often very generous, but we had savings too and I was prepared to make it fit into that, but as I was booking things, my Dad said 'tell them my card number', or 'let me pay for that' when we were in shops. So in the end we paid for the bridesmaids outfits, groomsmens shirts, bridesmaids hair, jewellery, shoes, my shoes, decorations, tips for the photographer/officiant/co-ordinator/anyone there helping basically! (it was in the US so that was not cheap tipping everyone!) and made our own invitations and I got free save the dates from vista print. We also paid for the honey moon (we were travelling at the time so it all blended into one). They paid for everything else.

I have to say Im in my late 20s and so lots of my friends have got married over the past couple of years, and I know for definite that 4 out of the 5 Ive been to recently were paid for nearly all by the brides family. So I dont think that tradition is gone at all.

but I dont even think that that is the issue here. I think the issue is that her Dad is willing to pay for some of it - and possibly all of it depending on what the sum of money is and her plans, but shes just being totally ungrateful.

zcrat41

I have to add to this thread - lots of people seem to think the tradition of the brides family paying has gone but I really don't think it has. I got married this year and my parents very generously paid for all of it (although PIL sponsered the bar, OH did honeymoon and I did make up and presents etc), of my 5 close friends, all have been paid for by parents (with small, probably token contributions by bride and groom's family). TBH, I expected it. It's what happens in our social circle and hubby and I will be expected, and will expect to do the same for any future daughters we may have. My parents saw it as them saying goodbye to me. In that respect it was their party so they did have a number of their friends and the final say on guest lists etc. However, lots of those were close family friends that I have known for 25 years.

I grew up with this expectation - did you DSD?

The big but is that I was thankful for it. I saw and know how hard my parents have worked for it and I have begun to do the same in my life and have so far, done quite well. I do think your DSD needs to work within the budget she has been given.

Also, TBH, if she expected (I know this is going to sound harsh, but it's what my parents and older relations would think) mummy and/or daddy to pay then she has to adhere to those social norms. One of which is that babies normally come after wedding vows. If babies had come before wedding vows for me it would not have been subsidised by Ma and Pa.

jackyann

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

I suppose it might to some extent depend on family tradition, and how much money you and your husband have, OP? If you're sitting on £500,000 in savings, and earn £300,000 a year in the household, contributing £1,500 might seem a bit mean. If other daughters in the family have had £10,000, ditto.

But if you're just earning a living and not wildly wealthy, the offer of a 4-figure sum sounds more than generous to me.

ITA, and it depends on expectations. Sometimes even jokey things that dads say can leave daughters with the impression that a lavish wedding will be paid for.

Although I personally agree with most of the comments, I really think that OP needs to consider what tradition runs in the family, what the daughter has been brought up to expect, and what the family would tend to spend on celebrations.

I have recently been to 2 birthday celebrations where 100+ guests sat down to a very good 3 course meal with plenty of wine ( I choose my friends well!). I'd say that if a daughter of one of those families was offered a grand towards her wedding, she might feel a bit miffed (actually the kids are too well-brought-up, but you know what I mean!)

morganedge

Doesn't sound mature enough to be getting married in the first place!!
You've offered an amount, and she can either like it or lump it.
Hard to believe how ungrateful some people are...

ellay864

Spilt brat...I've nothing against those families where the bride's family can afford to pay for all or most but to expect it these days is a bit much, and then to turn her nose up and insist on something bigger and grander as her right is well out of line. Sit her down and send her to the weddings board on here...let her see how real people plan for and pay for their own weddings