Step daughter's wedding - Who pays?

QuackQuackOops

coffeebee wrote: »

My 23 yo step daughter's having a lavish wedding - upmarket venue, vintage cars, elaborate hen night, etc. Problem is she has very little money - fiance is in modestly paid work, she is stay at home mum some days, part-time student others. Although my DH and I are comfortably well off, that's because we manage our finances well not because we have a large income but DSD believes father of bride should pay for lion share of wedding. DH stated at the beginning what he was willing to contribute, which was met with derision and sulks despite being good sized 4 figure sum. She is now coming back for more with emotional blackmail and frequently commenting on the way we choose to spend our money. I am completely worn out over this together with other family problems we have been dealing with and can't see a way through that will still keep us all on reasonable terms by the time its all over. Dies anyone have any ideas? Am I being a wicked stepmonster or is she being unreasonable?

The fact that she already played at being married and having children then I would make a contribution and no more.
I certainly would not pay for it when they already have children.

QuackQuackOops

Oh, just to add, back when it was the Father of the Bride who paid for the wedding he did so because it was the Mother of the Bride who planned it.
In effect it is the Mother and Fathers 'giving away their daughter' celebration not the brides day, but of course. not many people follow this tradition anymore.

FATBALLZ

When I went to a wedding earlier in the year both sets of parents had contributed substantially to the cost. But if I was to get married I wouldn't get anything and neither would my partner. I'd say she shouldn't expect anything, but you should contribute. If you're comfortably off, a '4 figure sum' (£4000?) would seem reasonable. If it's a struggle for you then less. But the idea of one set of parents paying for more of it is outdated.

claire16c

zcrat41 wrote: »

I have to add to this thread - lots of people seem to think the tradition of the brides family paying has gone but I really don't think it has. I got married this year and my parents very generously paid for all of it (although PIL sponsered the bar, OH did honeymoon and I did make up and presents etc), of my 5 close friends, all have been paid for by parents (with small, probably token contributions by bride and groom's family). TBH, I expected it. It's what happens in our social circle and hubby and I will be expected, and will expect to do the same for any future daughters we may have. My parents saw it as them saying goodbye to me. In that respect it was their party so they did have a number of their friends and the final say on guest lists etc. However, lots of those were close family friends that I have known for 25 years.

I grew up with this expectation - did you DSD?

The big but is that I was thankful for it. I saw and know how hard my parents have worked for it and I have begun to do the same in my life and have so far, done quite well. I do think your DSD needs to work within the budget she has been given.

Also, TBH, if she expected (I know this is going to sound harsh, but it's what my parents and older relations would think) mummy and/or daddy to pay then she has to adhere to those social norms. One of which is that babies normally come after wedding vows. If babies had come before wedding vows for me it would not have been subsidised by Ma and Pa.

Yeah I think what happens in your family does have something to do with it. I would definitely start saving if I had a girl child. Not out of obligation, but because my parents paid for most of my wedding, I would want to do the same for our children, almost passing it on I guess?.

zcrat41

QuackQuackOops wrote: »

Oh, just to add, back when it was the Father of the Bride who paid for the wedding he did so because it was the Mother of the Bride who planned it.
In effect it is the Mother and Fathers 'giving away their daughter' celebration not the brides day, but of course. not many people follow this tradition anymore.

After announcing our engagement my mother declared she knew of a good caterer and marquee company.

On asking how on earth did she as her day job is a farmer she sheepishly admitted to having secretly been wedding planning when OH and I hit the 1yr mark of going out. OH had made her wait 7 more months before she could seriously let out the wedding planning beast.

Just to add, there are lots of people that still follow this tradition. My father seriously expects my OH to be able to look after me and even gave him a little speech to that effect. Although I am a well educated professional woman with my own career I also expect the man to be able to look after me when we have kids so I can be a SAHM for a period of time as we believe that is a solid foundation for a family life. (It could be the other way round of course but OH is useless with kids and kitchens).

There are still lots of people that follow these traditions and values, some of whom are MSE whilst doing it!

zcrat41

Claire16c - my Oh has decided we're only going to have one child and it'll be a boy so we'll have no inheritance issues and no wedding to pay for!

But I do think the same as you.

QuackQuackOops

zcrat41 wrote: »

After announcing our engagement my mother declared she knew of a good caterer and marquee company.

On asking how on earth did she as her day job is a farmer she sheepishly admitted to having secretly been wedding planning when OH and I hit the 1yr mark of going out. OH had made her wait 7 more months before she could seriously let out the wedding planning beast.

Just to add, there are lots of people that still follow this tradition. My father seriously expects my OH to be able to look after me and even gave him a little speech to that effect. Although I am a well educated professional woman with my own career I also expect the man to be able to look after me when we have kids so I can be a SAHM for a period of time as we believe that is a solid foundation for a family life. (It could be the other way round of course but OH is useless with kids and kitchens).

There are still lots of people that follow these traditions and values, some of whom are MSE whilst doing it!

I am the same way and do follow the tradition as my own parents did with me.
But take a look at the replies on this thread alone. Not so many follow the true tradition anymore. Do you know many brides who do not want to have a say in the majority of the wedding plans?

Mrs.W_2

When your OH offered a 'contribution' to the wedding fund, his daughter could have taken that word in many different ways. I know this is being said in hindsight, but he might have been safer to state which bits he'd pay for, e.g. Bride's gown, reception meal and wine.

Then, if those goodies came in under the figure he had in mind, given her a modest cash contribution towards, say, hair and make-up on the day.

It's difficult to say what or who is right or wrong in a situation that, from your perspective, seems to have been adversarial for many years.

Brighton_belle

Mrs.W wrote: »

When your OH offered a 'contribution' to the wedding fund, his daughter could have taken that word in many different ways.

But in the original OP, the Dad clearly offered, right at the beginning, a named sum towards the wedding, so there was no confusion.

affordmylife

the only confusion was that the amount wasnt sufficient for her desires.

she sounds spoilt completely.

looking forward to OPs comments xx