Step daughter's wedding - Who pays?

gravitytolls

Tish_P wrote: »

There was a time when the father of the bride was expected to pay for everything, but in those days he also got to choose the groom. Tell her where to get off! You've already contributed handsomely.

Indeed, wedding's also didn't cost 4 figure sums, frocks were often handmade, cakes the same, and catering normally a home made buffet in the church hall or back at the house.

Tell her you'll happily pay for this traditional approach ~ you picked up some nice nets from freecycle ~ as if she believes in traditions.... lol.

sassyblue

coffeebee wrote: »

My 23 yo step daughter's having a lavish wedding - upmarket venue, vintage cars, elaborate hen night, etc.

No you're not being unreasonable! :eek: If she wants all that then she'll have to find the money. She's (supposedly) starting her grown up married life, she'll learn nothing if you have to keep forking out for her.

Stick to your guns and if she makes comments about how you spend your money you politely tell her you're not concerned how she spends her money, so you won't be listening to it from her.

Anything you and hubby offer he she should be thankful for - and not a penny more.

(Mine and hubbys parents contributed x amount, we paid the rest, we didn't expect our parents to pay for anything). We made our own favours, flower & candle arrangements and anything else we could do cheaper than buying from shops).

PolishBigSpender

My parents paid for the majority of our wedding - it's still pretty normal in Poland. I considered myself lucky and would never expect them to spend more then they offered. I also would not choose the most expensive things just because someone else was paying!

coffeebee

Thanks everyone - your collective indignation has really given me strength! We have already agreed to put joint money into the wedding pot. Now I think we need to take a step back and, like any other budgetary decision, decide how much we can afford and are willing to pay, taking account of precedents that will be set for other sibblings (thankfully boys so hopefully next time round won't be so emotive!) The key will then be to communicate this very well so there is as little come back as possible. I think we are doing the right thing by contributing, how that is received or spent is really outside out control - though may influence future decisions! I will now go and paint on my smile and try to keep it there until February when this will all be over - and keep reminding myself that being bitten by the bridezilla bug is only a temporary condition that will pass!

Nara

The thought of spending lots of money on one day of my life is painful for me! I would'nt expect my parents to give me any money towards it even though i know they could afford it. If you want to get married why waste all this money on one day? I would much rather have a cheapo wedding and an amazing honeymoon, because to me that would be more important then prancing around in a dress for one day ;-)

Oh well me and my OH have been together 13 years but still aren't married, its too much hassle to organise and he hates being the centre of attention ! but if we ever do get married i would be grateful for whatever the parents could put towards it

SingleSue

My parents gave us a £1000 budget for the wedding breakfast (sit down 3 course for 70 people) and evening reception (buffet for 150 people), I managed to come in at £584 but then my parents decided to do beat the Jones' and have a better drinks and meal package..it ended up costing £1200 (and I couldn't stand the main or starter but parents wanted posh rather than chicken and champagne rather than sparkling wine, plus drinks for the guests as they arrived)

My now ex husband's parents (his mum and step dad), paid for the cake and the photographs...again, I found them cheaper from what they were originally going to pay, in the end, they got both for less than the price they were going to pay for the wedding cake alone.

The rest we paid.

I was the first of my parent's children to get married and we had lived together for 2 years prior to the big day. Both my brother and sister were married in smaller affairs with my parents paying most of the costs for my sister's wedding (as it was smaller, it was also cheaper so the end result was a pretty similar amount) and half of my brother's wedding.

For my brother's 2nd wedding and as pennies were extremely tight, my parents paid for the buffet. wedding bouquet and allowed the use of their home for the reception, I provided the wedding cake, table decoration, balloons, wedding favours and decorated the house and walking sticks and my brother and new wife paid for the dress (£9 from a charity shop) plus wedding license fees.

All told, their wedding came to less than £250 and a great day was had by all.

Ebay was our friend.......

scheming_gypsy

coffeebee wrote: »

My 23 yo step daughter's having a lavish wedding - upmarket venue, vintage cars, elaborate hen night, etc. Problem is she has very little money - fiance is in modestly paid work, she is stay at home mum some days, part-time student others.

Reminder her that she's already broken tradition by having kids out of wedlock so the father of the bride tradition, no longer counts.

Elsewhere

When a friend's daughter got married he gave her a sum of money to spend as she wished - either on a large wedding, or if she preferred towards a house - whatever she chose - but warned her that if she wanted him to wear a new suit, that had to come out of the budget also!

claire16c

zcrat41 wrote: »

Claire16c - my Oh has decided we're only going to have one child and it'll be a boy so we'll have no inheritance issues and no wedding to pay for!

But I do think the same as you.

Haha! If you have a girl youll have to remind him to open a savings account :rotfl:

jackyann

coffeebee wrote: »

Thanks everyone - your collective indignation has really given me strength! We have already agreed to put joint money into the wedding pot. Now I think we need to take a step back and, like any other budgetary decision, decide how much we can afford and are willing to pay, taking account of precedents that will be set for other sibblings (thankfully boys so hopefully next time round won't be so emotive!) The key will then be to communicate this very well so there is as little come back as possible. I think we are doing the right thing by contributing, how that is received or spent is really outside out control - though may influence future decisions! I will now go and paint on my smile and try to keep it there until February when this will all be over - and keep reminding myself that being bitten by the bridezilla bug is only a temporary condition that will pass!

We told all of our kids as they approached adulthood what they could expect from us for education, wedding, house deposit, general support. This had been budgeted for & set aside for some years. So they were very clear before they were 18 and could make decisions accordingly.
I do know that not everyone can plan ahead as we could, but I think the principle a sound one.
And good luck!