Step daughter's wedding - Who pays?

neverdespairgirl

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Which is why traditional wedding invitations are worded as they are.

I'm sure you're right, the whole, "Mr and Mrs Duck invite you to the wedding of their daughter Jemima to Peter Puddle" type thing?

zcrat41

JC9297 wrote: »

Are you assuming that in thirty years he will be marrying a girl whose parents hold views that by then will be very outdated and are willing to pay it all?

Or do you think that a son won't need your financial help because he'll be able to earn enough to pay his own way, whereas a daughter won't need to worry her pretty little head about things like that?

I feel like I've just fallen into a time-warp.

The former but it was meant in a jokey manner. We would expect amongst our community and friends that it would very much still be the norm, that is what I'm trying to say, I know that lots of people are very different now but there are still people that follow those traditions and there are lots of us. I was wondering if the OP's daughter was in a similar situation and just behaving ungratefully

But our child might firstly never appear and then secondly not turn out the way we want it too so there's a long way to go!

Lotus-eater

zcrat41 wrote: »

Claire16c - my Oh has decided we're only going to have one child and it'll be a boy so we'll have no inheritance issues and no wedding to pay for!

Your OH has decided to only have one child.... and it's going to be a boy is it?

I thought I was controlling...

aliasojo

I have no idea why you are even worrying about this OP.

Your money and how you spend it has got nothing to do with step daughter.

Why are you even getting into conversation about it all? A simple 'we're pleased for you and would like to help but we can only afford to give you x amount' is as much as you need to say. Clear and to the point.

Then ignore any grumbling about it. (Or tell her if that doesn't suit she doesn't have to accept it.)

puffinmuffin

Has she been led to expect that her dad will pay for it all, has he been over generous in the past? it does suprise me that any bride still has this expectation. OH and i earn more than my parents so certainly would not expect a penny (which is good as they have not offered a penny and think we should go to registry office and have a do in my nana's garden as they did in 1979!) OH's dad has given us the same generous contribution he gave his sister and we are very grateful for that!

Newly_retired

When my daughter got married, she planned it all and co-ordinated the arrangements in the light of reasonable expectations of how much it would cost and who was in a position to contribute. Costs were met by DD and her fiance, his parents, me, her dad = my ex. As far as I know we all contributed roughly the same amount. All sort of economies were made eg her dad used his Merc to drive her to the wedding, DH and I made the orders of service, a friend did the flowers and so on to help keep costs reasonable.
I am not saying there were no problems, but there is no need, even in split families, for it to get out of hand.

Marisco

I don't agree with those who say that the op should keep out of it! Presumably the money is a joint affair, (unless they have separate bank accounts, in which case oh should be able to spend what he wants, on who he wants) so the op has as much right as her oh in a say on how much of their money is spent! I'd tell her to sling her hook, she has been offered £xxxx, and if that is not good enough - tough!

jakes-mum

Just a question re the mother of the bride, I know the OP is the step mother but that doesnt guarantee that the DSD's mother is still alive, I didnt see mention of the OP's DH being devorced (I may have missed it, so if I did apologies) so he may be her only parent to turn to for help with the cost.

But regardless of the above, she acting spoilt and needs to accept the money she has been offered graciously or needs to find some other way to finance her lavish day . . . of course if I had been the step mother, I would have got out the wedding magazines and started pointing out what DSD would be wearing, the lovely bridesmaid dresses I had picked and of course mentioning who the bridesmaids would be . . . . but I am a naturally evil person

LudaMusser

I think your step daughter sounds like a child, a very selfish and ungrateful one at that..

She should look at the budget and then plan the wedding accordingly. If that means no vintage Rolls Royce then so be it. I think she`s in for a big fall, she`ll end up being very disappointed if she plans some celebrity wedding then realises she`s £20,000 short.

I would keep putting your case forwards to your husband letting him know your feelings. She should be grateful she has been given ANY money at all by you both and I think she needs reminding of that. Sounds a bit young to get married IMO

mico62

When DSD (same age as yours) got married DH was told what he had to pay, the little madam told him if he didn't pay he couldn't give her away. After another tantrum when he was told he was no longer invited he transferred the money into her bank account (I still don't know how much but I know he's still in debt)

After he'd paid the sit down wedding breakfast for 50 was changed to a buffet for 200 so more people could be invited to the service, mainly his ex-wife's distant relatives and work colleagues, poor DH couldn't invite anyone.

My advice is just bite your tongue and grit your teeth because DD trumps 2nd wife