Step daughter's wedding - Who pays?

coffeebee

My 23 yo step daughter's having a lavish wedding - upmarket venue, vintage cars, elaborate hen night, etc. Problem is she has very little money - fiance is in modestly paid work, she is stay at home mum some days, part-time student others. Although my DH and I are comfortably well off, that's because we manage our finances well not because we have a large income but DSD believes father of bride should pay for lion share of wedding. DH stated at the beginning what he was willing to contribute, which was met with derision and sulks despite being good sized 4 figure sum. She is now coming back for more with emotional blackmail and frequently commenting on the way we choose to spend our money. I am completely worn out over this together with other family problems we have been dealing with and can't see a way through that will still keep us all on reasonable terms by the time its all over. Dies anyone have any ideas? Am I being a wicked stepmonster or is she being unreasonable?

shellsuit

The bride and groom should pay if they want to get married.

Any contributions from family are a bonus.

She sounds like a spoilt mare to be honest with you, so no you are not being wicked at all.

smartpicture

DSD should be planning a wedding according to her budget, not planning the wedding then trying to fund it. Although maybe this should have been highlighted earlier.

You're not being unreasonable, but if you want to keep a relationship afterwards, then you need to keep quiet and it's up to her dad to say this is what we're giving you, if you spend more than that it's up to you. Repeatedly. Until it sinks in.

tessie_bear

i dont think u sound unreasonable....i would sit her down and tell her how much u are going to contribute and say thats your lot....she then needs to cut her coat/wedding dress according to her cloth....i would say u need to stand firm or it could all get very expensive

crazyguy

coffeebee wrote: »

My 23 yo step daughter's having a lavish wedding - upmarket venue, vintage cars, elaborate hen night, etc. Problem is she has very little money - fiance is in modestly paid work, she is stay at home mum some days, part-time student others. Although my DH and I are comfortably well off, that's because we manage our finances well not because we have a large income but DSD believes father of bride should pay for lion share of wedding. DH stated at the beginning what he was willing to contribute, which was met with derision and sulks despite being good sized 4 figure sum. She is now coming back for more with emotional blackmail and frequently commenting on the way we choose to spend our money. I am completely worn out over this together with other family problems we have been dealing with and can't see a way through that will still keep us all on reasonable terms by the time its all over. Dies anyone have any ideas? Am I being a wicked stepmonster or is she being unreasonable?

If it were me then I would just say sorry I am now refusing to give you anything at all for being a spoilt little brat, now go and find the money somewhere else.

Tish_P

There was a time when the father of the bride was expected to pay for everything, but in those days he also got to choose the groom. Tell her where to get off! You've already contributed handsomely.

vesper

I got married a couple of months ago and never expected nor would ever expect, my father or infact any of our family members to help pay for the wedding. It is her and her fiances decision to get married, why should the pair of you pay for it. The way she is behaving with your offer, just proves that she should stand on her own feet and pay for her own wedding.
I hate to point out but most people these days are proud that they have paid for their own wedding, I know I was, I strimped and saved, but it was so much better. I did not get any help from anyone, nor would have it any other way.

VestanPance

The couple should plan a wedding based on a budget they can afford. If either of the couples parents agree to contribute then that is a welcome bonus, but in this day and age shouldn't be expected.

peachyprice

Yup, the days of the father of the bride footing the bill are long gone in normal families. Unless she's been brought up to believe that daddy will pay for her big day?

They should be planning a weeding they can afford, if your OH offers to pay anything they should see it as a bouns.

pinkteapot

Agree with everyone else. We got married last year and we funded it ourselves. During the planning, my mum and hubby's parents each gave us some money towards it (totalling about 25% of the budget between them) and we were really grateful, but didn't expect it or budget assuming their input.

However, I suspect it will need to be her dad who has the conversation with her. From what you say about her behaviour, I wouldn't put it past her to start bringing out the stepmother card. Comments about how you spend your money are completely out of line.

Indout96

Yup, the days of the father of the bride footing the bill are long gone in normal families

The idea behind this was that the daughter tipped up her full wage to the "master" of the house (Father) until she wed (it then went to the Husband)
We paid for our own wedding back in 1983 and even had to move the wedding date to be able to afford to go away for 2 days in London as prices went up because of easter.