Step daughter's wedding - Who pays?

adamantine

oh and to add - next time she comments on how you and hubby spend your money i would reply "yes we spend OUR money how we chose to as we earnt it. you can spend YOUR money however you wish. its none of our concern"

Meadows

coffeebee wrote: »

My 23 yo step daughter's having a lavish wedding - upmarket venue, vintage cars, elaborate hen night, etc. Problem is she has very little money - fiance is in modestly paid work, she is stay at home mum some days, part-time student others. Although my DH and I are comfortably well off, that's because we manage our finances well not because we have a large income but DSD believes father of bride should pay for lion share of wedding. DH stated at the beginning what he was willing to contribute, which was met with derision and sulks despite being good sized 4 figure sum. She is now coming back for more with emotional blackmail and frequently commenting on the way we choose to spend our money. I am completely worn out over this together with other family problems we have been dealing with and can't see a way through that will still keep us all on reasonable terms by the time its all over. Dies anyone have any ideas? Am I being a wicked stepmonster or is she being unreasonable?

In this day and age I think you find most couples foot the bill with some financial help from parents if they can afford to.
Let her sulk if she wants a large expensive wedding let her / them save up and just be grateful you are both willing to contribute.

Tell them quite clearly how much you will throw into the pot (maximum)then she can go away and have a think about what they have to finance themselves and hopefully she will be more than grateful as most brides would be!

Nicki

I got married at the same kind of age as your DSD, so we also didn't have much money at the time. My OH and I paid for all the outfits including my dress, the wine at the reception and the honeymoon. My parents very kindly paid all the other expenses, but they also had the final decision on all budgetary issues. So for example they gave us a choice of a few venues within their price range to choose from, decided how big the guest list could be (and reserved a certain number of those invites for THEIR close friends) and made the final decisions on things like cars, flowers, etc.

We had a small wedding, didn't have to stress to hard about organising it, paid only what we could afford towards it without bankrupting mum and dad, and 20+ years later are still happily married, look back on a lovely day and are very grateful to my parents for helping it happen.

Your DSD sounds completely spoiled and very happy to spend other people's money on their behalf. If anyone thought about criticising my lifestyle on the basis it didn't leave enough for me to hand over to them, I'd give them short shrift I have to say! I agree with the poster who suggested you give her a choice of either a set contribution towards costs, or a wedding where all the choices are made by you to suit your budget and let her pick!

pollypenny

What century is she living in?

She needs to get real. Or your DH could tell her that he'll happily fund a wedding if he can plan it. A modest affair would put her off.

Hanky_Panky

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

I would advise your husband from the sidelines but any discussions about the money should be between father and daughter only.

Sorry B&T, not picking on you as this seems to be a common comment on this thread but I don't agree.

As a step dad I would be very put out if I wasn't included in the discussions. I would have an emotional as well as financial interest in the matter having raised the girl since she was 4 years old. If a really important thing like this came up and I was excluded I would be furious.

victory

To offer her a 4 figure sum and to have it sulked at is well.....
Refuse her any and then she can proper sulk;)

BugglyB

Hanky_Panky wrote: »

Sorry B&T, not picking on you as this seems to be a common comment on this thread but I don't agree.

As a step dad I would be very put out if I wasn't included in the discussions. I would have an emotional as well as financial interest in the matter having raised the girl since she was 4 years old. If a really important thing like this came up and I was excluded I would be furious.

That may well be the case. However it is important that the DSD (sounding as she does like an unreasonable cow!) has absolutely no room whatsoever to say 'I think daddy wants to pay for it all/would have given us more but horrible step mummy won't let him because she is really selfish'. Just sounds like the kind of thing that sort of person would do. Dad needs to be clear that it is his decision.

Kay_Peel

Your step-daughter wants Dad to up the lump sum, presumably. Has she said how much she wants, yet?

I suspect she has no idea.

I think I'd call her bluff and put her on the spot if I were her Dad.;)

I'd ask to see a full breakdown of all costs, including the Hen Night. Dresses, cake, venue, vintage car, flowers, pressies for the bridemaids, food - the whole darn lot.

No money until I see what I'm paying for.

Kira000

I got married last year, and DH and I planned the wedding on the basis we would be paying for it all, and looked for the ways to make it as affordable as possible.
As it was, DH's parents offered us £2k unexpectedly which was lovely, and my mum a further £800. My Dad asked to pay for a specific thing- the drinks for the wedding, and my step mum (with my dad since 1996), very kindly wanted to pay herself for the canapes to go with the drinks. We were grateful for it all, but we didnt have anything we couldnt have afforded if noone had offered anything.

It sounds like your step daughter is being pretty selfish, weddings are exciting, and its easy to get carried away with plans, especially with all the wedding mags out there telling you the latest trends and "must haves", but that doesnt mean she should be able to demand what she wants. I think that you and her dad need to discuss in private if you want to contribute, and if so, how much- it IS his daughters wedding so he may want to, but not want to upset you, so be prepared for that too. If you both decide you are going to offer, then maybe offering to pay for a specific element will be easier, rather than a cash sum- takes some of the emotion aout of it.

balletshoes

coffeebee wrote: »

My 23 yo step daughter's having a lavish wedding - upmarket venue, vintage cars, elaborate hen night, etc. Problem is she has very little money - fiance is in modestly paid work, she is stay at home mum some days, part-time student others. Although my DH and I are comfortably well off, that's because we manage our finances well not because we have a large income but DSD believes father of bride should pay for lion share of wedding. DH stated at the beginning what he was willing to contribute, which was met with derision and sulks despite being good sized 4 figure sum. She is now coming back for more with emotional blackmail and frequently commenting on the way we choose to spend our money. I am completely worn out over this together with other family problems we have been dealing with and can't see a way through that will still keep us all on reasonable terms by the time its all over. Dies anyone have any ideas? Am I being a wicked stepmonster or is she being unreasonable?

your DH stated what he was prepared to contribute. End of as far as I'm concerned. Where did your DSD get her belief that her father should be paying, and where did she think she was going to get the money from if her Dad had already said he wasn't going over xx amount?

She sounds like a spoilt young lady to me - your DH has done nothing wrong, in this day and age its not up to any of the parents to contribute or pay for their child's wedding, unless they want to.

Tell your DH to stick to his guns, otherwise after the wedding it will be requests for deposits for houses, or home improvements, newer car etc etc etc.