Would you be angry?

74jax

Absinthe_Fairy wrote: »

We went to a family friend's wedding last year for which my brother and I received individual invitations for "X plus guest".

There is no way I would have anyone at my wedding who I didn't know. I'm from the North West, currently in North East, I wonder if it's an 'area' tradition?

74jax

Absinthe_Fairy wrote: »

The strange thing is, my brother has always been my cousin's favourite, ever since we were all children. I'm surprised at her for doing this when she must know it would hurt his feelings.

It;s her wedding day? I think she has other things on her mind other than inviting the girlfriend of a cousin so it doesn't 'hurt his feelings'

TBH I think that if I ever was to get married I would just invite my cousin and not her hubby-to-be. After all, I hardly know him. If you don't really know him why on earth would you invite him anyway, it's your wedding day, your one wedding day to be filled with the closest of people who you love. If you hardly know him why invite him, if its to make up numbers or because you have so much money you want to invite all and sundry fair enough.

(This is all hypothetical as I have no intention of ever getting married - way too much hassle! :rotfl:)

I think to be 'fuming' over this is a total over reaction.

BugglyB

Person_one wrote: »

First of all, there's no 'have to'. You can choose who you invite up to a point. If you invite married/engaged/co-habiting people though then you do have to invite their wives/fiances/partners but you don't have to invite their children I suppose.

Second of all, if you invite them, yes you do have to have the wedding you can afford, what else would you do? Go into debt? Charge an entrance fee?

There are many many cheap options. Church halls, function rooms above pubs and clubs, DIY buffet.

I disagree, I think you can choose who you invite, full stop. When I get married I won't be inviting the spouses/fiances/co-habitors of all my friends and family and all other halfs friends and family. Some of them I've never even met. It could put an extra 50 people on the guest list, that I don't want at my wedding.

I think we've crossed wires about the affordable part, I understand there are many ways to have an affordable wedding and thats what I'd fully intend to do. Have an affordable wedding, for the people that I want at my wedding, and no-one else.

Pollycat

I don't think anybody has the right to expect to be invited to a wedding (unless they are paying for it).

That might have been the case many years ago (when married women were referred to as Mrs John Smith for example) but times have changed.

When my ex and I got married many years ago we had planned a very small affair - Registrar Office wedding, small buffet in a local pub.

We were paying for it ourselves so it was our choice whom we invited.

We invited one of my ex's cousins and his wife who we used to go out with every Saturday night.

We didn't invite his brother who I'd never even met.

The invited cousin made a real nasty fuss about the fact that his brother hadn't been invited, he rang his Mum, he rang my ex's Mum and generally made an unpleasant stink about it.

We told him that he and his wife had been invited because they were friends rather than relatives and because he'd been so nasty, his invitation had been withdrawn and he and his wife weren't welcome at the weddings and we would never go out with them again (we didn't).

Our wedding, our money - our choice of guests.
If you don't like it, don't bother coming.

Absinthe_Fairy

74jax wrote: »

There is no way I would have anyone at my wedding who I didn't know. I'm from the North West, currently in North East, I wonder if it's an 'area' tradition?

I wondered this - but I'm from the North East and my mam is originally from the North West so maybe not!

74jax

Person_one wrote: »

Well if you've made your peace with being selfish, that's your call. I so don't get this, the bride has a wedding budget and works to it. Could it simply be she doesn't know the girlfriend well enough to share the most important day with her???? it's not a get-together tea party! it's her wedding!

Its not scaling back because someone thinks they should, its having the wedding they can afford without being rude to their guests or expecting guests to foot the bill (which came up in another thread recently).

If you can't afford to invite both halves of a couple who are a social unit, you cut back until you can afford it or you invite neither. totally disagree, she might be close to the cousin, if the cousin didn't get an invite my guess is the OP would be on here with a different thread, seems the bride can't to right for wrong

Put the shoe on the other foot, how nice does it feel when your husband isn't wanted at your friend's weddings?My OH has gone to weddings where I'm not invited, work colleagues and friend from uni who I might only have met 3 or 4 times. I don't mind at all, it's someones wedding day, they choose.

If you want your wedding to be all about you with no consideration for your guests then you don't actually need to invite any!

I think most brides do their utmost to consider their guests, their guests the WANT there. No one should ever EXPECT and invitation. That to me is far far worse.

Twopints

Absinthe_Fairy wrote: »

I have to take issue with the comment that my mam would "change her tune" if she had to pay for the wedding. She would never use money as an excuse for bad manners. She would scale things back if need be in order not to be rude - but that's just her I guess.

I think the only bad manners in this case are from those who refuse to accept the wishes of the people getting married.

Absinthe_Fairy

Of course we are 'accepting' the bride's wishes. What else would we do? Get GF to turn up anyway? Agree that would be rude and wrong. We just happen to have our own views on the 'right thing' to do.

Just to clear something up - the reason we expected to be invited is that the wedding has been the hot topic of conversaion at family gatherings for months and things my auntie and cousin have said led us to believe (correctly) that we would be invited. We assumed brother's GF would have been invited too owing to our belief that partners should be invited to weddings as discussed above (though we were wrong in this part of the assumption).

Absinthe_Fairy

Of course we are 'accepting' the bride's wishes. What else would we do? Get GF to turn up anyway? Agree that would be rude and wrong. We just happen to have our own views on the 'right thing' to do.

Just to clear something up - the reason we expected to be invited is that the wedding has been the hot topic of conversaion at family gatherings for months and things my auntie and cousin have said led us to believe (correctly) that we would be invited. We assumed brother's GF would have been invited too owing to our belief that partners should be invited to weddings as discussed above (though we were wrong in this part of the assumption).

Birdie85

I think the digs about the bride and groom scaling back their wedding if they can't afford it are unfair... can't you see that by not inviting hangers-on of non-immediate family members they are scaling it back?! The Groom could have a massive family who are also moaning about not all being invited...

Personally I wouldn't invite anyone I don't know to my wedding, so that gets rid of the 'Plus Ones'. I'd much rather invite friends than family; in my mind the friend and his GF of a year who I see on a weekly basis are closer and more important than the cousin and his GF of a year who I've only seen a handful of times. When it comes to family I'd have to agree with Mrs PP, 'no ring no bring!'

I'm sure no offence was meant with the invite; I had a friend get married last year who got married in a Cathedral (so no number limit for the ceremony) but could only have 90 to the reception, when she handed out the evening invites she told guests that they were more than welcome to come to the ceremony if they'd like to and many did turn up to watch, I'm sure this is what your cousin was meaning to say too, rather than 'Come to the ceremony, sit around for a few hours then join us in the evening'.

Speak to your cousin about it and ask if she's got the GF on a 'bump-up' list in case some people can't make it. I've been in the same situation with one of my cousins when he got married and TBH I was shocked that he included my DH (then fiance) in the invite when we were 'bumped-up' as he'd never met him, I wasn't expecting that at all and wouldn't have blamed him for leaving him off.