Would you be angry?

Absinthe_Fairy

My cousin is getting married next April and my family received our invitations yesterday. As expected my parents, brother and I are invited to the wedding, reception and evening do but my brother's girlfriend is not invited to the reception, just the evening do (and she is 'welcome' to go to the ceremony itself - don't know what she is expected to do in between!). My mam is absolutely fuming and though I don't know much about wedding etiquette, I was under the impression that it was the done thing to invite partners, especially when close family are involved. We went to a family friend's wedding last year for which my brother and I received individual invitations for "X plus guest".

Are we overreacting, is this normal? My parents are my cousin's only auntie and uncle and my brother and I are the only first cousins, though there are other extended family members and I don't know how big the groom's family is. I'm under the impression that around 100 people have been invited to the reception altogether. My brother and his girlfriend have been together over a year, it's not as though he's just started going out with her. We've been excited for the wedding for months, it hadn't occurred to us that she might not be invited.

mishkanorman

Weddings can cost a small fortune so Im not surprised they may have to limit numbers, for me if it came down to a relatives partner and one of my friends coming I know which i would choose.

I would only be offended if it was my husband not invited, its someones special day (once in a lifetime for some) and its only one night that your brother and his girlfriend will be apart !

KiKi

Depends on the reason why - and you won't know until you ask!

If she's not invited because they don't like her, or just can't be bothered with her, then yes, I might be annoyed (I don't know about angry).

But if they have very limited numbers, and he has a big family, then they may just be severely restricted and have had to make a call on who they're inviting. In addition, if they drew up the list some time ago, it might not have included her because the relationship was very new and they didn't know her at the time.

In the nicest way possible, if I had a church that could only hold 30 people, I would absolutely want to choose who was there, and if I was closer to friends than family, that's who'd be there - I would CERTAINLY invite my best mates over my cousin's girlfriend, no matter how nice she is. No matter that we're first cousins. It would be my wedding after all.

I suspect your anger is because a) no-one's talked about it and b) you're left wondering if they don't like her. The reality is probably number restrictions, or simply the fact that they see their mates more than a cousin's girlfriend who isn't a relative.

Ask them, otherwise this will fester.
KiKi

p.s. Just read that she's invited to the wedding and the evening do - but not the meal. Yes, this is VERY normal. I've been in this situation lots of times, esp with friends who have families they have to cater for. Sit down meals cost a LOT. I wouldn't pay for anyone I didn't absolutely want there. Numbers, numbers, numbers!!! Sounds like they're fine with her - just can't afford her! Don't be angry.

CH27

She is only your brother's girlfriend & not a relation to the bride.
I wouldn't have expected to be invited.

cr1mson

I wouldn't be offended at all. I am guessing they have limited numbers and rather than invite someone who means nothing to them they have chosen to prioritise those that do. Also your brother will know plenty of people so not as if he would need a guest to keep him company.

C

Kira000

Have both of them actually MET the girlfriend? As others have said, weddings are expensive, and numbers can be tight. I didnt invite my Step brothers girlfriend to our wedding, as neither i nor my husband had ever met the girl. Not saying she wasnt a lovely girl, but there was no way i was inviting her, and missing off someone who i actually knew and wanted at the wedding. I got some stick from my step mum, but hey, it was our wedding...

j.e.j.

It's hard to say without knowing how close the relationship is between your cousin and your brother/his girlfriend. I don't think my cousin brought her boyf to my sister's wedding, for example, (she'd been with him for a long time, too) but then we hardly knew him and he would probably have felt a bit awkward.

Absinthe_Fairy

Thanks all for your input

CH27 wrote: »

She is only your brother's girlfriend & not a relation to the bride.
I wouldn't have expected to be invited.

Not a direct relation, true - but I would have thought she'd be invited as my brother's partner.

cr1mson wrote: »

I wouldn't be offended at all. I am guessing they have limited numbers and rather than invite someone who means nothing to them they have chosen to prioritise those that do. Also your brother will know plenty of people so not as if he would need a guest to keep him company.

C

True - seems fair enough to want to prioritise friends.

Kira000 wrote: »

Have both of them actually MET the girlfriend? As others have said, weddings are expensive, and numbers can be tight. I didnt invite my Step brothers girlfriend to our wedding, as neither i nor my husband had ever met the girl. Not saying she wasnt a lovely girl, but there was no way i was inviting her, and missing off someone who i actually knew and wanted at the wedding. I got some stick from my step mum, but hey, it was our wedding...

Yes, they have met her on several occasions, both at my parents' house and at my auntie's. In fact they've probably seen more of her than me over the past year, since my brother still lives at home and I live away (cousin and fiance live away too but are often up home).

moodydonkey

CH27 wrote: »

She is only your brother's girlfriend & not a relation to the bride.
I wouldn't have expected to be invited.

Is the brother not a cousin too? or have I read it wrong? If my cousin invited me to their wedding and I had and they knew I had a partner I would have thought that they would have been invited. Apologies if i read the OP wrong.

meritaten

sorry - the way I understood the post is that the girlfriend could attend the ceremony, but NOT the reception, but is also invited to the evening reception.
hmmm I can see how your brother may be upset - what is girlfriend supposed to do between ceremony and evening do?
Possibly its to do with numbers at the reception - but its bad manners to invite someone (even in such an offhand manner) to the actual wedding but not the reception.
I think you should put it down to your cousin not having a clue about the proper ettiquette and it sounds like she didnt include Brothers g/f when booking the reception.
Forgive her - she is a bridezilla by now!
would you be as upset if the invite didnt mention the ceremony? after all, its quite usual these days to invite only close relatives for the ceremony and reception - then all the friends, rellies girlfriends etc for the evening do.
Yes I can understand your upset - but, I wouldnt make a big thing of it. just tell girlfreind she is invited to the evening do. she may well be quite relieved, especially if she doesnt know your cousin!

Gingham_R

I think your mum is really over reacting to be 'absolutely fuming'. It's entirely up to the bride and groom to prioritise who they really, really want there and everyone else really should just leave them to it.

She's been invited to the evening do, so hasn't been left out, and she's entirely able to do whatever she likes with the rest of the day.

I'd advise relaxing all round - weddings are very expensive, that's all.