Would you be angry?

Absinthe_Fairy

KiKi wrote: »

Depends on the reason why - and you won't know until you ask!

p.s. Just read that she's invited to the wedding and the evening do - but not the meal. Yes, this is VERY normal. I've been in this situation lots of times, esp with friends who have families they have to cater for. Sit down meals cost a LOT. I wouldn't pay for anyone I didn't absolutely want there. Numbers, numbers, numbers!!! Sounds like they're fine with her - just can't afford her! Don't be angry.

I can understand, in general, people being invited to the evening do but not the meal in general - but am surprised in this instance as I thought this sort of thing only applied to work colleagues, for example!

j.e.j. wrote: »

It's hard to say without knowing how close the relationship is between your cousin and your brother/his girlfriend. I don't think my cousin brought her boyf to my sister's wedding, for example, (she'd been with him for a long time, too) but then we hardly knew him and he would probably have felt a bit awkward.

The strange thing is, my brother has always been my cousin's favourite, ever since we were all children. I'm surprised at her for doing this when she must know it would hurt his feelings.

TBH I think that if I ever was to get married I would just invite my cousin and not her hubby-to-be. After all, I hardly know him.

(This is all hypothetical as I have no intention of ever getting married - way too much hassle! :rotfl:)

Absinthe_Fairy

moodydonkey wrote: »

Is the brother not a cousin too? or have I read it wrong? If my cousin invited me to their wedding and I had and they knew I had a partner I would have thought that they would have been invited. Apologies if i read the OP wrong.

Yes, my brother and I are cousins of the bride (the only first cousins she has)

Absinthe_Fairy

meritaten wrote: »

sorry - the way I understood the post is that the girlfriend could attend the ceremony, but NOT the reception, but is also invited to the evening reception.
hmmm I can see how your brother may be upset - what is girlfriend supposed to do between ceremony and evening do?
Possibly its to do with numbers at the reception - but its bad manners to invite someone (even in such an offhand manner) to the actual wedding but not the reception.
I think you should put it down to your cousin not having a clue about the proper ettiquette and it sounds like she didnt include Brothers g/f when booking the reception.
Forgive her - she is a bridezilla by now!
would you be as upset if the invite didnt mention the ceremony? after all, its quite usual these days to invite only close relatives for the ceremony and reception - then all the friends, rellies girlfriends etc for the evening do.
Yes I can understand your upset - but, I wouldnt make a big thing of it. just tell girlfreind she is invited to the evening do. she may well be quite relieved, especially if she doesnt know your cousin!

TBH it feels worse that she is invited to ceremony + evening do rather than just evening do (because what will she do in between? She lives too far away for public transport, my brother will have to take her back + pick her up before evening do).

The etiquette thing is spot on I think - that's what is bothering me the most. It seems very rude to me.

moodydonkey

Absinthe_Fairy wrote: »

Yes, my brother and I are cousins of the bride (the only first cousins she has)

Has your partner if there is one been invited? just being nosey

Brighton_belle

When does a girlfriend become a partner? To me it is not til they live togther (I accept not everyone will see it that way but maybe that makes a differnce to your cousins when very tight on numbers/costs and isn't meant in any way a slight.

We were married in Sept and have a small simple do and my 5 lovely girlfriends all happily volunteered to come on their own and not bring hubbies, so we could fit more people in who we were really close to.
A very lovely gesture.

skintchick

THis happened to me. Back when I was engaged to my first fiance, we'd been together four years, my cousin got married and invited only me. I was fuming, and decided not to go at all. I understood they had small numbers but I do not see how you can invite only one half of a couple.

This situation is a bit different because the gf is invited for the other bits, but I'd still feel put out if I were your brother and I would probably only go to the bits my hf were invited to, UNLESS she is totally fine with it.

Really, what is important is how your brother and his gf feel.

Absinthe_Fairy

moodydonkey wrote: »

Has your partner if there is one been invited? just being nosey

I don't have one! I presume that if I did, he wouldn't be invited either. My parents, brother and I got one invitation together (which I thought was odd as brother and I are both adults, we're not children!) and GF got a separate one.

System

Your brother lives at home? have I got that right? therefore his girlfriend is just that and not his 'partner' in the way she would be if they lived together, on that basis whilst it is inconvenient in terms of her being invited in the evening and welcome at the ceremony but not at the reception , then I wouldn't be annoyed over it. They probably have a limited number of places ( budget) and only actual ' live in partners' are invited.

Jinx

If it turns out to be a case of finances rather than a restriction on numbers then you could offer to pay for the lady in question so she could attend the meal.

KiKi

Absinthe_Fairy wrote: »

TBH it feels worse that she is invited to ceremony + evening do rather than just evening do (because what will she do in between? She lives too far away for public transport, my brother will have to take her back + pick her up before evening do).

The etiquette thing is spot on I think - that's what is bothering me the most. It seems very rude to me.

I truly mean this in the nicest way possible, so take it in that spirit...

But if I'm limited on numbers, screw etiquette! I wouldn't want to be rude or to hurt anyone. But it's MY wedding! I want my friends there, my best mates, my immediate family. Not a girlfriend of a cousin who - in your words - I've only met a few times.

It might not be 'etiquette' but practices and etiquettes change. Not only that, but they become less relevant when you have to make a tough decision about who to invite.

She's not your brother's wife; she's not a relative She's a girlfriend he doesn't even live with. She might be important to your brother, but your cousin's decision has to be based on what THEY need at the sit down meal, not the needs and considerations of every single guest. Can you imagine how many friends and relative's preferences they've got to accommodate?! Every parent who wants to bring their child, auntie Margerie who will only come if she can bring her sister that they've never met...all that stuff.

She's been invited, just not to the meal. She's been invited - more to the point - as a guest in her own right, not as part of the family (hence the separate invite). When you are so restricted and dealing with the nightmare of the politics of family and friends and who wants to sit with whom etc, at the end of the day you can play the game and do the 'nice thing', but have a miserable day because you haven't got who you want there.

Please don't blame them for being selfish on their wedding day. Etiquette doesn't always allow for the financial side of things, unfortunately...!

KiKi