Would you be angry?

Torry_Quine

victory wrote: »

That made me laugh I know you meant to type life but instead it was lie and seems very apt sometimes through marriages:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Well spotted!!:rotfl::T

haras_nosirrah

arbroath_lass wrote: »

Tbh I would find it rude if an adult was invited without a +1 but, there again, I wouldn't expect cousins to be invited to the ceremony either. People don't seem to care nowadays, though.

It would be insane to have every adult guest have a +1

I got married in May and the food and drink for 40 people during the day and 80 for a buffet cost 3.5k

We had 40 for the meal yet had 70 in the church - we said to all our evening guest that if you would like to come and see us get married then we would be at this church at this time and you are more than welcome - around 30 of our 40 evening guests turned up and then went away for a pub lunch and came back for the evening. We were very happy that they came to the church to watch us and it was their choice to do so knowing that they weren't invited to the main meal.

Most of the issues we had was around children rather than plus ones. We had a no child stipulation mainly owing to the max 50 at the meal owing to the size of our venue and our budget. Between our cousins children there were 21 kids under 7 none of whom we had ever met. Some of our cousins couldn't come as they couldn't get babysitters with a years notice but never mind.

We were lucky not to have too many drama's but people need to remember that it often costs between £80 - £120 per adult guest at a three course meal reception and evening and therefore it is probable that the couple can't afford to invite everyones partners and children to the wedding - we certainly couldn't afford it.

If we had allowed all our family and friends partners and children we would have ended up with around 80 during the day and around 150 in the evening (a cool 9k approx on feeding them all)

Fortunately most of our friends and family are married and understood.

Kay_Peel

I wouldn't be angry about this.

When I look at some of my wedding photos, I see about 7 people that I don't recognise attached to various friends and cousins. It niggles me because I can't remember their names and I never saw them again. I wished that I had been as sensible and rational as your cousin and only invited good friends and the family members who were close to me.

You are over-reacting and, in my opinion, wrong to expect an invite for brother's GF.

BugglyB

I wouldn't be offended if I wasn't invited to my boyfriends cousins wedding reception. I'd be happy to find a local pub, or, more than likely, just go for the evening do. Or be grateful to make an excuse and not go to the third wedding in a year, of people I'm not that bothered about!

If she really wants to go, can your brother not just go for the evening do so they can turn up together?

BugglyB

Person_one wrote: »

It does actually, etiquette tells couples to have the wedding they can afford. If you have to be rude to pay for your wedding, scale it back.

That is completely ridiculous. My partner has over 100 people on his mums side of the family. If I have to invite them and all their partners and children to our wedding you're talking 400 + guests. So I have to have a wedding I can afford for all of them? We're going to KFC, and half of them aren't eating!

DVardysShadow

BugglyB wrote: »

... If she really wants to go, can your brother not just go for the evening do so they can turn up together?

I agree. Brother and GF can go to the ceremony or not as they please and to the evening do as they please. Brother has choice of whether to go to the meal or to stick with GF for the afternoon.

Person_one

BugglyB wrote: »

That is completely ridiculous. My partner has over 100 people on his mums side of the family. If I have to invite them and all their partners and children to our wedding you're talking 400 + guests. So I have to have a wedding I can afford for all of them? We're going to KFC, and half of them aren't eating!

First of all, there's no 'have to'. You can choose who you invite up to a point. If you invite married/engaged/co-habiting people though then you do have to invite their wives/fiances/partners but you don't have to invite their children I suppose.

Second of all, if you invite them, yes you do have to have the wedding you can afford, what else would you do? Go into debt? Charge an entrance fee?

There are many many cheap options. Church halls, function rooms above pubs and clubs, DIY buffet.

Person_one

I can't express how disappointed I am that the idea of having the wedding you can afford is considered so extreme and unrealistic.

Absinthe_Fairy

Wow, some very different opinions there!

I have to take issue with the comment that my mam would "change her tune" if she had to pay for the wedding. She would never use money as an excuse for bad manners. She would scale things back if need be in order not to be rude - but that's just her I guess.

The idea that GF might not have been invited as she and my brother don't live together is an interesting one and a possibility. It does seem strange to me that someone would presume to judge the seriousness of somebody else's relationship based on whether they do or don't live together (or are married, which is less and less relevant in today's society).

I genuinely believed that it was the "done thing" to invite partners to weddings. I don't have much experience of them but the two I have attended as an adult sent an invitation to me plus a guest (and these were weddings of friends not of family). If it was the other way round it wouldn't occur to me not to invite my cousin's fiance. However perhaps things are different now - my cousin has been to the weddings of several friends and perhaps they didn't invite partners either so to her it is normal.

I think part of the issue is that my dad's side of the family (of which my cousin is a part) have always been such sticklers for etiquette: they are the first to comment if an invitation has been worded wrongly or if a thank-you note hasn't been written etc. As a family they have always placed enormous importance on family occasions e.g. Christmas, Easter, birthdays and anniversaries, it's not as though we're the sort of family who never see each other. As such it seems odd that my cousin has seemingly disregarded etiquette even if it is for a perfectly understandable reason.

I do think my brother and his GF should have been invited together to everything (or nothing, as the case may be). There have been other family weddings in recent years to which neither my brother nor I have been invited, and it never ocurred to either of us to be offended - it's the fact that my brother has been invited to all but his GF only to part of this particular wedding.

My brother may just come to the evening do and not the ceremony or reception. However that's up to him and his GF. It would mean a day off work for both of them anyway as it's a weekday wedding.

I would like to talk to my cousin, as I don't think festering resentment is going to do anyone any good. However it's not really my place. It's up to my brother and I don't think he will - he is upset, but shy and non-confrontational and I think he will just let it go.

Ultimately I do understand that it's up to my cousin and her fiance who they invite - even if I think she's displaying remarkable bad manners!

Thank you all for taking the time to comment.

74jax

Absinthe_Fairy wrote: »

My cousin is getting married next April and my family received our invitations yesterday. As expected my parents, brother and I are invited to the wedding, reception and evening do but my brother's girlfriend is not invited to the reception, just the evening do (and she is 'welcome' to go to the ceremony itself - don't know what she is expected to do in between!).

it hadn't occurred to us that she might not be invited.

How often does the cousin see the brother girlfriend? is it quite regular and they call each other up and go out etc?

When you say it hadn't occurred to you she wouldn't be invited, I think that's a bit of an assumption. A wedding meal can cost around £40 per head, maybe the bridal party would have rather paid for a close friend of there's to go instead of someone who isn't as close?

I'd maybe post this on the wedding thread http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/forumdisplay.php?f=142 to see what future brides etc think. I myself am only inviting close friend and family, I'm not inviting other halves who I am not close too.

Remember being invited to someone's wedding is an amazing privileged, they would have agonized over their guest list for weeks, it will be a huge part of their budget. No one should 'expect' an invite to a wedding at all.

My OH has been to weddings without me of his friends, I wouldn't dream of even thinking into 'what this means' other than they have other people they'd rather have their than me.