Would you be angry?

Seanymph

Unfortunately it's not just your cousin and her mum.

Having been through this entire painful, difficult and expensive process (FAR more expensive than the ensuing divorce FWIW) - there is also the groom and his parents.

He doesn't seem to be getting much of a look in but I can't tell you enough how much a difficult MIL to be can scupper well laid plans and force decisions on you that you wouldn't ordinarily make.

Now you may be her ONLY two cousins -but he could have fifty, all with partners. And HIS mum could be sitting there saying 'well if you have to invite cousins g/f's or b/f's that's fine, but don't forget you'll have to do the same with our side and that's an extra 'now gerry, is carl still with david or did he go back to claude? - oh, and don't forget that mary is now with brian that's another one - yes, I think you'll find that we'll need another 47 seats at the dinner' with a big smile...... leaving your cousin in the situation where she can't invite her ONE extra 'relative' because in order to justify it she has to take on the terrifying woman and accomodate another 47.

So she has done what she can.

It's very expensive to get married, and there are so many people and personalities involved. I can't tell you how stressful it is. I was showered in torn up hymn notes at one point because I'd ordered the cake from somewhere rather than asked the (now hysterical) MIL to be to cook it for us. But I'd had her cakes, and they were awful.

So, the bride is, believe me, dealing with all sorts of etiquette questions. And she's having to make blanket demarcations 'children or no children' - if you go children it has to be ALL children, you can't have some people's nicely behaved ones whilst alienating that particular family with the uncontrollable brats and the wine consumption of northern italy........... if you have cousins you have to have all cousins on both sides. And if you have cousins partners do you have live in only? Or plus 1's - and that depends generally on how many there are added up on BOTH sides.

She'll have a lovely time - her and your brother could slope off and have a lovely afternoon with a pub lunch, a lie down in their room at the accomodation, and rejoin for the evening.

It's a celebration, she obviously wants you all to celebrate with her, and you are important to her - as is your brother and his girlfriend - I'm sure that she is up against far more than you will ever guess when you see her smiling in her meringue frock!

newcook

From what I can gather, the bride and groom are getting married somewhere that’s either not local or in the middle of nowhere and they are aware that your brother would need to go and pick her up for the evening do so have said in a round-a-bout way that if it helps she can come to the ceremony as well.

Its possible they had the seating plan and invite list ready when your brother started dating his girlfriend and there isn’t enough room for her or they don’t want to have to re-arrange the seating plan – its quite possible that they have already hit the maximum amount of guests that the venue will allow/cater for.

To be honest, if I was getting married and someone I hadn’t invited turned up I would be rather p!ssed off to say the least!
I would also be fuming if once the invites were sent out that someone called and asked why so-and-so wasn’t invited – why the hell should you have to explain why certain people have been invited and others haven’t?!!?

Any

I personally think it is completely selfish to think that because I am a cousin and have a g/f (that is all it is, not a partner, they don't even live together and they are only going out a year!! which presumably was not a year when this whole think started..) bride & groom should invite and pay for the girlfriend too.

But that is just my opinion. Labeling bride & groom selfish just because they haven't invited whole sundry is just... errr... thinking too much of importance of oneself?

As you see, it can be seen from both sides of the argument.. BUT it is bride&groom's day, it is hard as it is to make sure the whole imidiate family is included and paid for on both sides, people like the OP make organising wedding an unpleasant affair and expecting the bride to be sitting over invitation and weighting up how long someone went out with who and would they be uspet is extremely selfish in my opinion.

I have invited my cousins to my wedding, but they didn't invite me to theirs (they didn't accept invitation to mine either) - they only had very few people there, just the very closest people and I see them once in a while, so what? It was their wedding, their choice not to have as big party as I did and they didn't see the point of me turning up to a do where I virtualy only know 3 people. I can understand that.

georgiesmum

where do you end with weddings? It is so expensive that it inevitable that some people will be left out and offended. There has probley been a lot of soul searching and agonising over the guest list. If she had beeb the gf for a no. of years then it's unfortunate but maybe the bride has had to do this to others as well. Don't spoil her day. If it is so important wouldn't your brother just go in the evening. We had to tell some very close friends that we couldn't invite them to our daughters wedding, just to the evening. We have been friends for 35 years and are godparents to each others children. They have always been to other occasions, but with so many other Friends of both sides it couldn't be done. Not the same i know, but so hard anyway.

elvis86

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Well a good (but fairly new) friend of mine was only invited to our evening do, as were 3 ladies that I volunteer with. All turned up to the Church ceremony.

4 members of our Parish community were not invited to any part of it at all but had obviously heard that we were getting married and they turned up too. It's not that uncommon for people to come to the Church, then go home and go back for the evening do!

Perhaps my post was misunderstood. What I meant was, that the fact that strictly speaking, anyone can attend a wedding is regularly wheeled out when someone is on here complaining about not being invited to a wedding. As if it would somehow justify them riding roughshod over a couple's wishes and gatecrashing their wedding?!

I can't believe the amount of people that seem to experience these kinds of difficulties with their families. Is it really so hard to put the shoe on the other foot and imagine how upsetting it would be to have members of your family baying for your blood because you hadn't invited some distant relative to your wedding ceremony/breakfast/reception?

I would hate to be that person, putting a dampner on someone else's big day, but it seems that many people have no such worries or consideration for other people!

Whist admittedly, when planning my own wedding, I would make every effort to avoid having to issue such an awkward invitation ("you're welcome to the ceremony but I can't accomodate you at the reception until after the wedding breakfast"), but I can only imagine that the OP's cousin has done her best and whilst perhaps awkward, her inviting the cousin's girlfriend to the ceremony sounds like a genuine gesture, certainly not intended to offend.

The OP's mother sounds like a nightmare. I'm sorry, but she sounds vile.

Choc-addict

Just wanted to pop in on this subject and give my current experience......

We're currently planning our wedding and i can honestly say that the guest list is proving the most stressful (in fact the only stressful bit for us) in our planning, in fact it's putting a real dampner on things because of what people assume, expect, our own wishes so on and so on....please try and bear in mind that most (guess not all) bride and grooms do not plan their wedding going out of their way to upset people, quite the opposite - we're struggling due to overall numbers, numbers our church can hold and numbers our venue can hold...and most of all COST. It is a true nightmare.

For us as a couple getting married next April the guest list has caused us no end of stress....so much so it's still not decided and all because we do not want to upset anyone but in turn at the moment are just constantly upsetting ourselves by trying to work it all out..... :(:(

Just another view point. I do hope your brother can bring himself to speak to your cousin about it as i'm sure there is a very reasonable and understanding answer for their decision.

burnoutbabe

I imagine the only people who would attend the ceremony only would be if you married locally and its the neighbours and regular members of your parish. Which seems fair enough.

Can't see why your brother would be Angry, its clearly a family invite (ie you and your parents) so no one will be on your own. I'd be quite happy with that for a cousins wedding. refusing to go because his girlfriend won't be with him for a few hours seems pretty rude. If she can't get to the evening do, then such is life, the brother attends the whole thing alone. (well with parents, sister, other family).

(and am still laughing at suggestion that mother offers to PAY for the extra guest, like thats not at all rude)

sassyblue

It could be worse.

One of my cousins got married last year and only invited me and hubby, NOT our 5 year old child. :eek: They did explain however.... that they 'understood' we had to travel 200+ miles so if we came we'd 'have' to bring our child.... despite the fact that they'd invited cousins who lived in the same city as them WITH their children, cousins who they claim to despise and are always badmouthing.

I should mention when we got married they were all invited, cousins and partners and chidlren (50 of them) AND we organised their accomodation so it was all sorted for them.

I politely told them l was offended at their attitude (l'd 'have' to bring my child' - no-one says that about my child!) , they told me to stick it and we haven't spoken since, nor will l ever. Cheapskates and two faced barstewards :rotfl:

Better off without 'family' like that.

OP, l understand it's all about the cost, try not to be offended - if your brother goes l think l'd buy a small present and if they say something well money's tight isn't it?

clairec79

Equitettely wise I think they are in the clear, you only need to recognise partners where a public declaration so to speak has been made, ie living together, engagement or marriage.

Just because one person may have a girlfriend for a year that may be serious (my now husband and I weren't engaged or living together after a year but we saw each other almost every day and knew longterm we'd be together) or it may still be casual, seeing each other once a month but going out with other people as well if you want to, or anywhere in between.

Without 'something' (the public declaration I mentioned before - the cohabiting, engagement or marriage - then the bride and groom have no way of knowing which point the couple are at

newcook

Person_one wrote: »

I give up, it seems a lot of people are happy to throw politeness out the window for the sake of 'Its my special day and I can do what I want regardless of other people'.

but how is it polite to:

- call and ask why someone wasn’t invited
- assume that someone will be invited
- offer to pay for someone to attend an event they were not invited to

it is nothing to do with politeness going out the window – its to do with people assuming an invite to something very personal then stamping their feet or moaning about it because someone wasn’t invited. The only people who have the right to b!tch and moan about who can and who cannot attend are the bride and groom – it is their event after all!

The girlfriend has been invited to the evening reception and has been told that if she wants to go to the ceremony she can so the bf wont have to go back and forth with picking her up.

There is quite possibly not enough room for her at the tables. Or for a fire/health and safety point they would be over-accomodating the room by 1.