Would you be angry?

Person_one

Clairec79 is spot on.

Once a couple have made that public declaration you have to treat them as a 'social unit'. So in you're planning you just automatically count them both in, they come as a package and splitting them up isn't an option. (unless its for something single sex like the hen night!)

The couple in question in the OP haven't made that declaration yet, so its ok for the cousin not to invite the GF. What's not ok is inviting her to just half, it should have been all or nothing.

I should point out that its not really on to start contacting people and questioning their invitations. They've made their decision rightly or wrongly and all you have to decide is whether you accept and go or whether it not acceptable to you so you decline.

I have to say, if I were married and was invited to a wedding solo, I wouldn't go. It seems pretty hypocritical to say you want me there to celebrate you making that special lifelong commitment but you won't respect the same commitment by your friends and family!

Person_one

newcook wrote: »

but how is it polite to:

- call and ask why someone wasn’t invited
- assume that someone will be invited
- offer to pay for someone to attend an event they were not invited to

it is nothing to do with politeness going out the window – its to do with people assuming an invite to something very personal then stamping their feet or moaning about it because someone wasn’t invited. The only people who have the right to b!tch and moan about who can and who cannot attend are the bride and groom – it is their event after all!

The girlfriend has been invited to the evening reception and has been told that if she wants to go to the ceremony she can so the bf wont have to go back and forth with picking her up.

There is quite possibly not enough room for her at the tables. Or for a fire/health and safety point they would be over-accomodating the room by 1.

None of those 3 things on the list are polite, I certainly haven't said they are!

(Ok, you could argue that 2 is ok. If you are a married, engaged or co-habiting person its completely reasonable to assume your spouse will be invited, apart from that no.)

There's very little politeness by any party here, and my comments are more aimed at the posters who've chimed into say they think its ok to exclude formal partners.

Room at the tables has nothing to do with anything.

bratz81

I'm getting married in June and I have to agree with someone else's comment that the guest list is the most stressful part of the wedding - so far it's the only stressful part of ours.
We have a limited budget of what we can afford to pay (Paying for it all ourselves) so are having to stick to that. Add in to this that my fiance has a large family and his mother is insisting on us having to invite certain people to the whole day. People who I haven't even met I'd have to add and who neither myself nor my fiance necessarily want there.

So, on the basis of this we can only afford to have 70 people and some of my friends are only invited to the evening do - I've explained why and they're ok with it. The only people getting a plus one to our wedding are married/engaged/living together couples, or the odd friend who doesn't know anyone else apart from me or my fiance.

My fiance's brother's gf isn't getting invited to the whole day (despite pressure) as they don't live together, I'd rather have family/friends there and we're already limited here, and she never speaks to us. Or anyone, she's rather odd. So I would assume that your cousin has similar reasons for not inviting your brother's gf.

Of course if my fiance was invited to a wedding without me I would in no way be 'fuming' or demand to know why I wasn't invited. I would never assume to be invited to a wedding and see any invite as an honour, not a right.

burnoutbabe

Person_one wrote: »

What's not ok is inviting her to just half, it should have been all or nothing.

how is that not okay? its pretty normal to just get invites for evening reception (and maybe your OH just gets an evening thing if they aren't that close to the couple and you are)

Person_one

Bratz, don't let your MIL take over! She has no right to 'insist' on anything!

Your wedding sounds perfectly polite, just shows it can be done.

Person_one

burnoutbabe wrote: »

how is that not okay? its pretty normal to just get invites for evening reception (and maybe your OH just gets an evening thing if they aren't that close to the couple and you are)

They only know her because she's his girlfriend. So they're acknowledging that they're a couple but not treating them the way acknowledged couples are supposed to be treated.

haras_nosirrah

I think the problem is more that you have to do the same for everyone.

Someone earlier was saying she was offended as her child wasn't invited when someone elses was - hence the no children invited at all rule

If you invite the partners of one cousin then you have to invite the partners of all cousins - otherwise you get the 'why was his girlfriend of one year invited when my boyfriend of six months wasn't' - hence no invite for girlfriend. We don't know how many cousins there are across both families

I don't see the problem of only inviting the girlfriend to the evening - the evening is the fun bit where you get to dance with your partner and enjoy the party - the rest is waiting around for photos and making small talk to people you barely know.

I think it is quite interesting seeing the differences between those who have and haven't been married. Until you have been through the agony of cost v guest list you have no idea. Apart from one of my husbands cousins (who I haven't met) who was complaining he couldn't bring his 5 step children (none of whom my husband has met) and couldn't come because they couldn't find a baby sitter (1 year in advance and why couldn't the father of said children look after them) we had very understanding relatives. We were lucky. I know of some people who have been taken to the very brink of their relationship by guest list arguments.

If the bride and groom pay - it is their way.
If parents are helping they should get some say.

burnoutbabe

No, they are thinking it would be nice for brother to have someone to dance with at the evening thing rather than his mum or sister.

podperson

While you might have expected your brother's gf to be invited you can be sure, as with all weddings, that the guest list is something that has been gone over dozens of times. I am actually dreading this part of getting married since it seems almost impossible not to offend someone. You say that you and your brother are the brides only two cousins but you have no idea how many are on the grooms side.

I have 10 cousins on my side, most of whom I haven't seen in years, OH has 8 on his side - when we get married it will probably be expected that we invite them all, most of them have partners or are married, 90% of the partners I've never meet more then a few times but I could be looking at almost 20 extra people to try and squeeze in and to pay for, before we even start on their kids. I don't particularly want that but then the decisions will start. Do I invite all the cousins - even if I've not seen them in years, if not will there be problems with some getting invited and not others? Do I invite all their partners, even though I don't know most of them? If not where does the line get drawn - if they're married, if they're engaged, if they live together, if they've been together x number of years. Whatever you decide you can almost guarantee that someone is going to get offended.

It sounds like they have tried to compromise by asking her to the evening do - perhaps they have tight numbers for the reception. I find it a little strange that people are saying that it would be more polite to ask her to nothing then to just the evening party - surely by asking her to part of it they are accepting her relationship with your brother and trying to make an effort, but at the same time she isn't close family and they have only met her a few times. If OH was asked to a family wedding and I was to the reception I wouldn't be offended as I would think it was nice they were including me in part of it. It's perhaps a little more awkward with them saying she can go to the ceremony but just seems to echo really that it's a space issue - there will room in the church but they are tight on numbers for the reception venue. I think this is a lot more common now to offer for evening guests to see them get married and then come back later - some people like to see the church ceremony but if she doesn't want to go to that it's not like she has to.

Person_one

haras_nosirrah wrote: »

I think the problem is more that you have to do the same for everyone.

Someone earlier was saying she was offended as her child wasn't invited when someone elses was - hence the no children invited at all rule

If you invite the partners of one cousin then you have to invite the partners of all cousins - otherwise you get the 'why was his girlfriend of one year invited when my boyfriend of six months wasn't' - hence no invite for girlfriend. We don't know how many cousins there are across both families

That's the beauty of sticking to the rules of etiquette, its clear cut and it makes these decisions for you!