Sorry to rant like this but am I wrong to be so angry?

Bitsy_Beans

Katie people don't care if you were asking if it was right to throw cold coffee dregs at him but they will latch onto that and use it as a stick to beat you with (and yes the pun IS intended).

I think you do need a calm discussion with him. Why not write down "your evidence" so it's there in front of you to prompt you as when discussions go off tangent its easy to forget what you want to say. I would however try and avoid the tit for tat type of discussion as it's a road to no where but I think he needs to realise what's been dare I say scarificed in order to support him and the family.
Does your husband want to treat the kids at all and is it the thought of going abroad that's the problem. If it is maybe a compromise? If he's no interest in it is it absolutely vital that he goes along?

Bottom line is I consider myself "tight" to a certain extent. However I think it crosses a line when people are tight at other peoples expense which it sounds to me your husband is sailing very close to.

Good luck

j.e.j.

well, thanks for the update
I hope you all get your holiday.

It sounds like there's a few issues that need to be addressed there.

QuackQuackOops

The answer is still the same. Yes it is wrong.
You seem to think that because you are irresponsible with money then everyone else should be too. You may not be able to say no but you dont want others to say no to you when the boot is on the other foot.
You cant expect other people to behave the same as you do....life is not about tit for tat.

Your children will not care about missing out on a trip in December so its kind of silly to use the line "Its for the children". It isnt at all. Its for you and because you have been told "No", it seems to have made you angry rather than appreciative of other opinions.

You would be much better off speaking with your husband and telling him you are sorry and that you have acted selfishly however you do feel as though a break is much needed by you both but you realise he will be worried because of last time. You then need to come to some agreement of how to go about it. Perhaps you can offer a compromise. eg If you can save up £xxx amount by xxxx time, then you can book somewhere nice............together!

No matter how many times you try to excuse what you did, it still makes you seem very self-centred, selfish and childish and I am sure you do not want your husband to feel that about you. Other family members are not in your marriage, so asking their opinion doesnt help you.

wannabehermit

meritaten wrote: »

throwing a cup of cold coffee is domestic violence?
I can just see that in court...........m'lud The accused threw a cup of cold coffee at the plaintiff.....soaking him - no, m'lud, it was cold, he wasnt burned or harmed in any way...........!!!

Of course it is. He doesn't have to be physically harmed for it to be assault, that would come into the grounds of abh & gbh. This is common assault. Shouting at someone is common assault, so assaulting someone with a cup of coffee, hot or cold doesn't matter, is just that. Assault. And in this case as it was between husband and wife, domestic violence, i.e. it was a violent act within a domestic environment.

Yes, she may be peeved at the inequality of spending money in the marriage (and quite rightly so from OPs posts) but that in absolutely no way excuses what she did. The other way round there would be outrage. The answer is not screaming, shouting and arguing, no matter how hard that may be (and I've been there with a money spending ex while I'm doing my damdest to pay them off/save, so I do know how OP feels) but sitting down and talking calmly at a time that is good for both of them.

Lotus-eater

Phew, could you imagine the uproar if a bloke had thrown a cold cup of coffee over a poor woman!

Everyone would be screaming at the OP to leave this bully and ring womens aid.

aliasojo

QuackQuackOops wrote: »

You seem to think that because you are irresponsible with money then everyone else should be too.

katiecoodle wrote: »

I've scrimped and saved for years and he's hardly felt the burden because I've managed our money so well.

I don't have the same interpretation as you QuackQuack. If anything it sounds as if it's the OP's husband who is irresponsible (drumkits as an example).

I think there is perhaps a build up of stress and a touch of resentment which is at play between the both of them.

Life is all about compromise, something which the OP and her husband need to do. OP, you're going to get nowhere by arguing, you nned to really reign your emotions in and try very hard to have a calm conversation about all this.

My opinion is that Lapland is not reasonable but a holiday elsewhere (cheaper but fun for the kids nonetheless) is entirely reasonable.

I hope you sort it out and don't let it fester.

Emmzi

Katie, your first post gave very scant information about hubs spending habits.

Then when you didn't get the answer you wanted, information about hiow reckless he is with cash came out.

I suspect there are many others things not being discussed, and actually, no one knows what is going on in your marriage but the two of you. There are probably many things you do which are driving him mad, that you aren't going to tell us, because then we won't agree with you.

First step, you need to be honest about what is going on.

Good luck!
xx

katiecoodle

QuackQuackOops wrote: »

"Perhaps you can offer a compromise. eg If you can save up £xxx amount by xxxx time, then you can book somewhere nice............together!

We had already done this. We had agreed back in June that seeing as we had the money and the children had been so good about having the disastrous holiday, we absolutely and solemnly promised them another holiday that year.

victory

What comes across is because of OH spending on his drum kits etc you have struggled financially and it has worn you down, it does, unfortunately to hand over your inheritance to a person that has been shown to be reckless with money is well.....like throwing it down into a well.

You don't seem to have learnt that your OH cannot be as good with his money as you are, cannot think for the future, what the kids need, what the house needs, he thinks more what does he need?

I am thinking to begin with you gave happily and generously to your OH until time after time he proved to you he was pretty much useless and less that gracious and grateful for the extra efforts giving to him affected the family.

So it comes across you are owed this lapland holiday in your mind, it is yours, you deserve it, you need it, you want it, you have to have it.

I personally would be fearful of such spending for the worry of a job loss, having a nest egg really takes the sting off things and to be honest why would your OH want to go abroad after what happened last time?

That money to some and me is a fortune and would sleep in bed at night soundly knowing I had that to fall back on if in this day and age a job loss happened, paying the mortgage and feeding the kids being the priority.

£1500 for 2 days? I could endlessly list what I could do with that amount of money which would last a long longer than 2 days....

victory

katiecoodle wrote: »

We had already done this. We had agreed back in June that seeing as we had the money and the children had been so good about having the disastrous holiday, we absolutely and solemnly promised them another holiday that year.

It could be a hol that is a lot cheaper, the money you are lucky to have will not last as well as it could for a buffer if it gets spent so quickly....