Sorry to rant like this but am I wrong to be so angry?

libbyc3

katie - soooo bin there - not thrown cold coffee but have shouted ranted and screamed several times!!!
we were incredibly lucky and recieved an inheritance which got us out of being 2 steps away from losing everything. exactly same - my kids were 7 and 8 and we thought sod it lets do lapland as as a once in a lifetime.
horrendous!!!! awful experience - won't go into it but pleeeease don't spend that amount of money on it.
this year we have been able to take the kids on lovely days out - not expensive ones, but we've all had a really good time - ask them if they would like to go see santa again and they shudder!
what I'm saying is - use the money to have a good time - but not all in one go - if you spread it out there will be even more happy memories for the kids to hold on to - and less coffee stains on the sofa!!??

barbiedoll

If he doesn't want to use any more of his compensation money on holidays, then he can sell his "spare" drumkit to pay for a trip to Lapland or wherever.

Who on earth needs a spare drumkit? He's not worked for two years and yet he can spend money on two drumkits? No wonder OP is cross, it sounds like she needs a holiday!

neverdespairgirl

shellsuit wrote: »

As for the OP 'assulting' her husband by throwing a cup of cold coffee over him, she was mad, upset, angry and lost her rag.

She just wants to treat the children to this one trip, while it will still mean something to them. That's not a crime is it?

Of course it's assault. As it would be the other way around, husband assaulting wife.

Taking the children to Lapland might be naff, but it's not a crime. Assault, however, is.

Cherry_Bomb

Coffegate?

I'm in total agreement with the OP on this one. It's alright for him to spend £££ on 2 (???) drum kits, golf, the odd gambling session and every Saturday night out with the boys, yet it's not ok for her to suggest a holiday away? Of course some of you are saying Lapland is naff but we all enjoy different things! Personally I think Centre Parks is pants but I wouldn't tell people not to go there. It just wasn't to my liking but I understand others might love it.

OP I'd tell him you are going to book it anyway and he's welcome to come.
Leave it at that

neverdespairgirl

meritaten wrote: »

throwing a cup of cold coffee is domestic violence?
I can just see that in court...........m'lud The accused threw a cup of cold coffee at the plaintiff.....soaking him - no, m'lud, it was cold, he wasnt burned or harmed in any way...........!!!

You wouldn't see it in court quite like that. It's a sumary-only offence, so it would be "Sir / Madam / Your Worships" at the Magistrates' Court. You have complainants and prosecutions in criminal courts, not plaintiffs, which you used to have in civil courts, well over a decade ago.

Burning / permanent harm isn't a requirement of the offence, either.

Spitting at someone can be an assault, for example.

Criminal Justice Act 1988 s.39 applies:

39 Common assault and battery to be summary offences.

Common assault and battery shall be summary offences and a person guilty of either of them shall be liable to a fine not exceeding level 5 on the standard scale, to imprisonment for a term not exceeding six months, or to both.

An offence of common assault is committed when a person either assaults another person or commits a battery:

* An assault is committed when a person intentionally or recklessly causes another to apprehend the immediate infliction of unlawful force. (Archbold 19-166 and 19-172)

* A battery is committed when a person intentionally and recklessly applies unlawful force to another. (Archbold 19-166a and 19-174 to 19-175)

Smith and Hogan, Criminal Law (9th edition (1999) p406) said:

"Most batteries are directly inflicted, as by D striking P with his fist or an instrument, or by a missile thrown by him, or by spitting upon P. But it is not essential that the violence should have been so directly inflicted".


This is an assault within a domestic setting, which is an aggravating factor, and on a person suffering mental health issues, another aggravating factort.


Clearly, it's far from the most serious battery offence.

meer53

OP, sorry but i'm with your husband on this one. If he reacted so badly on your "holiday of a lifetime" i can see why he doesn't want to consider Lapland. I don't think it's about the money. Being depressed is no fun and living with a depressed person is no fun either but you really have to work together to get through this. I know you say you're doing this for your children, but to be honest, they're not old enough to realise where they are, at their ages, seeing Santa at a local shopping centre will impress them just as much as going to Lapland. It's cheaper and better for your OH too. I do think your reaction was a bit extreme but i can understand completely how you feel. You need a break and it all got a bit much for you, been there, done that When i look back at some of the strops i threw when my ex wouldn't agree with me, i'm ashamed ! Good luck in sorting out your problem, i think time to sit back and look at things when everything has calmed down is whats needed for now.

willow_loulou

I spent years in a relationship where EVERY penny I spent was wrong, I never brought enough in even though I worked hard too. I was even begrudged a haircut, clothes for the kids etc (no exaggeration here)... He how ever ALWAYs had every gadget as soon as it was out even if we didnt have the money, always a box of wine for him to down in one night. I got clothes and shoes with birthday money, anything else I bought I was made to feel like I was spending all HIS money regardless of what I earned ..... I got close to the snapping and throwing the coffee place so you have my complete sympathy. Not that I condone it but I do totally understand the anger that builds when you are desperate for something and its just not on - end of conversation! It is unreasonable for him to dismiss your wants/needs
I also understand his reluctance to travel and/or spend the rest of the money given that he could become ill again. Depression is not cured, relapses happen. Nothing wrong with being Frugal 16k doesnt go far these days really.

I do think there is room for compromise and a UK holiday is probably a very good one as if he becomes ill at least those caring for him will be able to speak english, something I can imagine would be scary is not being able to understand those talking to you when ill! Places like paultons Park do amazing things for Christmas which the children will enjoy. You could book a travelodge or Hotel near somewhere like that and spend a couple of hundred pounds rather than 1500. Look around, see if you can get a compromise somehow, please dont let if fester in this way. Admit you are wrong cos you were to throw the coffee but he is wrong not even considering how much you might need a break and how much the children would benefit from some quality family time (as would he!)

If he is worried about the money why not put it in an ISA or premium bonds? Cant be spent on a whim so to speak but get at able.

cheepskate_2

katiecoodle wrote: »

Now, I am furious because I want to take the kids to lapland in December (they're 8 and 5 so possibly the last time it will seem real for the oldest) and he is saying stuff like "its a waste of money" and "you won't be happy until all that money is spent" and "we can't afford it", despite there being £16K left!!!
I am so cross I have just thrown cold coffee all over him and now he's in a mood with me....how dare he? Or am I wrong??? Am I really wrong???
:mad::mad::mad:

I

Flooding hell, I couldnt beleive what i was reading, and you cant see you are wrong.

I wouldnt expect this from my 11 year old, never mind a grown woman, that should be setting examples to her children.

I think the moneyn would be better spent on anger management than a holiday.

Your husband is suffering from a long terrm problem, that has now manifested into depression......as a wife you should be supporting him, not abusing him.

Spirit_2

katiecoodle wrote: »

Thanks for your honesty. I guess I just want something for me. I have never had a holiday in 10 years of marriage. I've watched him spend £5K+ on a drum kit, and another £1500 on his spare one (!) which he has never used. He goes out for a meal with his friends EVERY saturday night and bets or plays golf every saturday afternoon. I've scrimped and saved for years and he's hardly felt the burden because I've managed our money so well. I've never asked for a holiday except the one which (yes I know it wasn't his fault) was ruined for me. I want to treat my children to something really special. Of course Lapland won't be a holiday for me, I just want them to have something lovely.
I was looking at £1500 for a 2 night break for the 4 of us.

Think the issue is that he has a personal entertainment and treats fund and on the whole you do not. Could he have a monthly budget for his wants and you have one for yours? It is currently a bit onesided and you are resentful.

Throwing anything over him is unacceptable. It is abusive. There is no excuse.

You did have a holiday this year but it was a disappointment. Family holidays often are...high expectations unmet....sometimes its the children, sometimes the parents, sometimes the choice of holiday..What happens if Lapland is not an unbridled success . Try to be realistic .

katiecoodle

oh thanks so much - glad to have sparked such a debate. For the record - I threw the dregs of a cup of coffee at him out of frustration while I was picking up his cup to put it in the dishwasher because he doesn't seem to know where the dishwasher is. He was on ebay at the time looking for another drum kit, while simultaneously shouting at me to "Shut up" and "get real" about taking the kids away in December. Since last night I've been talking a lot to his mum about it & as it happens his family have all offered to come with me instead - they recognise that yes, I have supported him tremendously over the past few years, financially as well as emotionally. I didn't bat an eyelid when I inherited twice and used the money up to feed & take care of our family. I willingly gave up a further inheritance (gosh a lot of people died in the last few years) to buy something for him because he wanted it. 'He's being tight' they said, 'he's always been tight'.
BTW I wasn't asking is it wrong to throw coffee over a loved one? I was asking is it wrong to want to spend £1500 of £16K savings on taking your children away when they've only ever had one holiday & it was a horrific one.