Sorry to rant like this but am I wrong to be so angry?

**curlywurly**

WhiteHorse wrote: »

Yes, you are wrong. That money is your safety net. And what happens when it's all frittered away and he still can't work?

Ah, let me guess, the taxpayer.

Sorry, but I think this is uncalled for.

j.e.j.

katiecoodle wrote: »

Thanks for your honesty. I guess I just want something for me. I have never had a holiday in 10 years of marriage. I've watched him spend £5K+ on a drum kit, and another £1500 on his spare one (!) which he has never used. He goes out for a meal with his friends EVERY saturday night and bets or plays golf every saturday afternoon. I've scrimped and saved for years and he's hardly felt the burden because I've managed our money so well. I've never asked for a holiday except the one which (yes I know it wasn't his fault) was ruined for me. I want to treat my children to something really special. Of course Lapland won't be a holiday for me, I just want them to have something lovely.
I was looking at £1500 for a 2 night break for the 4 of us.

Assaulting him with a cup of cold coffee is a stupid thing to do!

But I do understand your frustration. Let things calm down a bit and then try and make him see how one-sided you feel it all is. It sounds like through all the time when he was ill, YOUR needs were put aside, and quiet resentment has been building up.

Tell him you NEED a holiday and you're having one. It doesn't have to be Lapland. You could always offer (or threaten, lol) to go on hols without him, using your own money.

bigmomma051204

shellsuit wrote: »

I disagree. The money was awarded in May. They went away on June.

4 months later they still have 16K, and the holiday must have cost a fair bit so it doesn't read like spend spend spend to me.

If the OP has paid off her husbands debts, has sat back while he goes out every week, spends thousands of pounds on drums and now he's depressed, she looks after the whole household, doesn't she deserve to have a break?

She's explained she'd like to go to Lapland this year as the eldest is 8, so maybe next year he won't believe in Santa.

I totally see where she is coming from. She probably feels taken for granted and I personally think that her husband should see fit to make his wife happy for once.

Couldnt agree MORE! Having been in a VERY similar situation to the OP (hubby car crash - very badly injured, not been able to work for 4 years, no comp or money award came our way unfortunately, me working to keep house etc and hubby not particularly appreciating me at ALL... etc etc) i can totally empathise!

Personally i am the one who saves and saves so i would find it VERY hard to justify spending the money on a holiday BUT if OP wants to and feels it would give the family a nice break (dont forget - these kids have lived for all this time with a stressed out mum, extremely depressed, frustrated Dad......this takes its toll on kids - i PROMISE you. My little boy was deeply affected by the whole situation - especially his Dad's depression and slump in mood over the last 4 years....

OP - your bloke needs to understand how you feel. Not sure if he will accept it though - i know most of the time mine doesnt understand what me and my son went through after the accident. My experience is that they become very self centred (understandable in a WAY) and focussed on their own feelings in the situation and they cannot see that it has been hard for anyone else particularly.

PM me if u need to talk. I have every sympathy for you and can understand the coffee throwing! I could have done that on many occasions Its frustration!!!

BitterAndTwisted

"I want to treat my children to something really special."

I find that particular comment very telling indeed. They're not just your children and it's not just your money to decide to spend. Lapland is the most expensive and pointless destination I could think of.

It appears that you have a number of issues to resolve with your husband. Like you feeling like you're the only one who's sacrificed anything and how much resentment has been building up about it I would have a good long think about how to approach that rather than chucking cups of coffee about the place on a man who's been seriously injured and is depressed.

neverdespairgirl

Jessikita1983 wrote: »

The coffee thing, ok not the best but sometimes you just cannot control your anger and I see why - especially over the drum kit thingy!

I don't agree. Anger or no anger, domestic violence is another problem, not a reasonable reaction.

neverdespairgirl

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

"I want to treat my children to something really special."

I find that particular comment very telling indeed. They're not just your children and it's not just your money to decide to spend. Lapland is the most expensive and pointless destination I could think of.

makes sense to me. Take them somewhere "real" for the same amount of money for longer - Jersualem / Bethlehem if you want to do the Christmas thing? Or Prague, or St. Petersburg, for the "winter" idea?

BigBlackcat

Aside from the coffee throwing, I can sympathise with the OP.

It can't have been easy for her, supporting her husband through first the accident, then his subsequent anxiety/depression.

OP, you sound really frustrated and I think you really need to do something for YOU, before the situation gets any worse.

shellsuit

Oh they're kids! My 2 when they were the OP's age would have LOVED to have gone to Lapland. Even my daughter now who is 13 would snap my hand off to go.

It might be a waste of money coming from an adults point of view, but to a child, the excitement of travelling to see Santa...well I can't begin to imagine how that would be for a little one.

If the OP's husband can justify spending thousands on drum kits, then why shouldn't the OP can justify spending a portion of her 'husbands money' (even thought I think it is 'their' money) giving the children a magical Christmas experience?

If the husband doesn't want to go, he doesn't have to go does he?

As for the OP 'assulting' her husband by throwing a cup of cold coffee over him, she was mad, upset, angry and lost her rag.

She just wants to treat the children to this one trip, while it will still mean something to them. That's not a crime is it?

mucklebones

katiecoodle wrote: »

Thanks for your honesty. I guess I just want something for me. I have never had a holiday in 10 years of marriage. I've watched him spend £5K+ on a drum kit, and another £1500 on his spare one (!) which he has never used. He goes out for a meal with his friends EVERY saturday night and bets or plays golf every saturday afternoon. I've scrimped and saved for years and he's hardly felt the burden because I've managed our money so well. I've never asked for a holiday except the one which (yes I know it wasn't his fault) was ruined for me. I want to treat my children to something really special. Of course Lapland won't be a holiday for me, I just want them to have something lovely.
I was looking at £1500 for a 2 night break for the 4 of us.

You know what I disagree with most, I think you have earned your break away to provide the kids with wonderful memories for years to come, at least you are thinking about a nice break for the family with a small fraction of the money he was awarded. Not thinking just for yourself and a drumkit. Meh Im not negating your partners needs in this but fk me what your asking is not really unreasonable from where I can see. I think your partner is being unreasonable claiming that money to spend on what he deems appropriate.. a drumkit. And besides I cant understand for the life of me why he wouldnt want to give you and his kids a lil something out that amount. Life is for living afterall. And its not like he has suffered alone for this whole ordeal.
I think you have been a rock in his life and probably do too much for him, you take on the run of the household, care for him when he was poorly maintain the kids and jeez what a way to thank you. I think Id feel somewhat taken for granted and my desires negated. 10 years of marriage this shouldnt even be an issue.

I probably wouldnt of thrown coffee, I might of used a few choice words though.

Bitsy_Beans

Whilst i think as a money saving forum we tend to err on the side of caution when it comes to money however there does come a point whereby life has to be worth living. The OPs husband seems to have been able to treat himself and would appear that he still does so I am not surprised the OP is feeling the "treats" in the marriage are a little unequal.
To some Lapland might be pointless but I could say that about other peoples preference for holiday destinations, surely its a question if choice. Going on an 18-30s holiday somewhere might be a waste of money to me but my trip to DisneyWorld was worth every penny.

Yes the husband is suffering with a mental illness but that doesn't automatically preclude the OP and her problems within the marriage. I think it's easy to place all the focus on the person who has the mental illness and exclude those that are also living with the situation.

I have to say I am a bit :eek: at the suggestions that this is just HIS money. Whilst I agree purchases should be a joint decision I think considering the OP has supported her H for the last 2 years it's a bit rich to then cut her out of the decision making when there is money available.

Katie I hope you can sit down and have a sensible conversation with your husband.