Sorry to rant like this but am I wrong to be so angry?

Seanymph

You are terribly terribly wrong.

The two issues are seperate. If your husband takes what he wants for himself and you don't, then you need to be more assertive within the relationship, prioritise your hobbies and social life and ensure that you are free to do things you want to do as well. It sounds as if you have real anger over issues outside of his money.

But that money is HIS. He didn't seem to receive sufficient payment for something that caused two operations and resulted in such a loss of earnings, and also it seems he settled prematurely because he then had additional linked issues AFTER the settlement.

He will know this I'm sure - even if you two haven't talked about it.

How dare you spend money that was given to him for compensation for HIM to make HIS life easier. Not for family jollies - you already got your holiday, it wasn't his fault it went wrong either was it? It just was. That's what happens sometimes, and in marriage we don't get bitter and twisted and throw things at each other. Or we don't stay married for long.

Talk to him about feeling taken for granted if you want - plan a family holiday from your work income. But don't go making plans with HIS money that was awarded because he went through something really very terrible indeed.

RadoJo

To be honest, I can see his point - a trip to Lapland is a needlessly expensive holiday, and whilst it sounds like a nice idea, I'm sure your kids would be just as happy doing something which might be a little more cost effective and won't cause any rows. Whilst this may seem like 'free' money, it is designed to compensate your husband for the pain and suffering that he experienced as a result of his accident, and he should have the right to have his say in how it it used. From your OP it doesn't sound as though he disagrees with the idea of keeping the promise to the children, but I can see why he objects to spending an excessive amount of money on what is essentially a gimmick trip.
I also think that throwing coffee on him was completely inappropriate and you should apologise for that - there is never an excuse for a physical response in an argument.

claire16c

I agree Id do something in the UK at xmas - especially incase there is bad weather again - you wont be running the risk of delayed flights etc, and perhaps save to go anywhere somewhere nice next summer?

And have a talk to him about money in general if hes spending £5k on drum kits!

shellsuit

Katie, you have a right to be angry, especially if your husband sees no wrong in treating himself all the time, but you were wrong to throw the coffee over him. I think you know that now anyway

Is there any reason why you can't go with the kids on your own if he doesn't want to go? If he can spend 5K on drums and go out every week, I'm sure he could spare you £1.5K?

sooty&sweep

Hi

The last few years can't have been easy for you as I imagine it must have been quite draining having your partner ill and I'm guessing not working (?) So it must be a big relief to have some money in the bank and to feel that life is heading back towards normaility, whatever that is and to want to celebrate that with your family.
But I'm guessing your partner is feeling rather anxious about traveling abroad and also liking the relative security of keeping that money in the bank.
Could you find a compromise in this country ? What about an overnight stay somewhere, take the children to see a panto and visit Santa somewhere ? London's Regent St lights are surposed to be nice (although I've never been).
I think you both need to talk about what you want to do with that money.
Jen

Jessikita1983

Take the kids somewhere then a get a holiday booked abroad for you and the girls to let your hair down and run amok. I know how you feel carrying everything on your shoulders for years and it is hard work taking care of someone with depression etc. i agree with other posters do not waste the money willy nilly but I say one hol for you and the kids and one for you and your mates or sister or something.
a drum kit seems like an indulgence so I say you spend the same.
The coffee thing, ok not the best but sometimes you just cannot control your anger and I see why - especially over the drum kit thingy!

katiecoodle

Sorry to burst your bubble here, but that money is ours. Its in a joint account. ALL our money is joint, we have no separate funds. Just as when I met him, my savings EQUALLED his debts & I paid them all off & never mentioned it again. We have no problems (until now) in working from the same accounts.
I don't work. Paid that is. I'm a stay at home mum and have NO earnings at all. Yes there probably are plenty of issues surrounding him spending what there is, but I've NEVER asserted any desire for ownership over the income he brings in. This is undoubtably why he's putting his foot down now & I'm frustrated.

LittleMissInDebt

Seanymph wrote: »

But that money is HIS. He didn't seem to receive sufficient payment for something that caused two operations and resulted in such a loss of earnings, and also it seems he settled prematurely because he then had additional linked issues AFTER the settlement.

He will know this I'm sure - even if you two haven't talked about it.

How dare you spend money that was given to him for compensation for HIM to make HIS life easier.

Couldn't disagree more with this, a family is a family, for all we know when her husband wasn't working the OP was paying for everything and as she has explained, he has not been reluctant to spend all sorts of money on various things for himself in the past.

I would (and DH agrees) see the money as theirs.

Seanymph wrote: »

If your husband takes what he wants for himself and you don't, then you need to be more assertive within the relationship, prioritise your hobbies and social life and ensure that you are free to do things you want to do as well. It sounds as if you have real anger over issues outside of his money.

I completely agree with this though. You do need to make sure you feel you are able to do the things you want to so that resentment doesn't build up.

ETA perhaps the depression is making him more worried about money katiecoodle and that's why he sudden;y has issues with "joint" money. Depression can make people behave in unusual ways.

Seanymph

I was awarded money from an accident - and afterwards got divorced.

That money was NOT included in the divorce settlement - it was MINE. Legally it is the recipients and does not become joint money in the same way other money does.

Every penny of such an award is asked for for specific things - I had things such as ongoing physio and walking aids when I was older...... he will have worked with his solicitor at length and had to justify every penny of that and it's for specific events - loss of earnings and his future inconvenience and needs.

For all other money within a marriage I would wholeheartedly joint it up.

For a compensation award for someone as a result of an accident I would not. Legally it is not joint - it would not be considered in the event of a divorce - and it's for SPECIFIC things he will need later in life and/or things that have already happened to him - that's why it's not allocated as part of a divorce.

katiecoodle

Sorry but we are talking about an award which was loss of earnings compensation.