Adjusting to partner's kids - help and advice would be gracefully received

chriszzz

I agree with Acc72, if you dont look at your partners children as part of him then you will not be able to take this relationship further you will only start to resent them visiting.
I have been in this situation and no its not easy dealing with other peoples children but rather than fight it, rejoice it, if your partner means enough to you then you will find your own way to deal with the situation.
We done lots together with the children and it was hard at times but my oh had an ex who was bent on turning the children against him, which she has sucessfully achieved, this in itself caused conflict, there was so many things happening and I still stood by him, after 6yrs of seing them every other wkend we dont see the kids now, they dont even acknowledge him as a father.
It is important that the two parents are on good terms, this is what the children need.
You may not understand this but coming from my experience, you will have an easier time than i did. If you can form some kind of bond with the children, get involved dont hold back, take some control and also take time out when you need it, that is just as important.

chriszzz

Catseyes,

At the end of the day you can turn and walk away from this relationship or you can stay and try and form a bond with them all.
You dont have to do anything you dont want to and you shouldnt feel guilty about it.
Sometimes its kinder to let go!

zzzLazyDaisy

Acc72 wrote: »

Seriously ?

If the OP feels so strongly that she leaves her home every time her partners children visit then there is a serious problem that will affect the OP, her partner and his children.

I did not suggest that OP leaves her home every time her partners children visit!

What I did suggest is that she can let her OH enjoy his time with his children, while she takes the opportunity to catch up with her friends or something else she enjoys doing.

Or do you think she and her OH should be joined at the hip?

heretolearn_2

There is a balance here. There is another thread at the moment where someone is getting 100% negative responses to being unwilling to look after their stepson alone for a few hours. On this thread I've encouraged the OP to take some time to herself, on the other thread I've responded with a bit of a push that they are being unreasonable but also need to look at what is behind the child's behaviour that puts her off him. Two very different situations though, one virtually lives half the time with the couple and there are other children involved who are treated differently, and one has got overwhelmed by two very young short-term visitors.

Yes, OP, you need to think hard about this relationship. Those children are not going away. If you REALLY can't get it together about them at all, then perhaps it is better to move on from this. But if it's just feeling out of your depth, don't feel you have to try to be the perfect parent or step-parent, and bear in mind that kids don't come with an instruction manual and we all feel in a state of terror and panic about 'eeeek I can't do this' for the first few months. It's just that the rest of us got over that stage when they were much simpler newborns, not having to go through it with toddlers.

You don't have to be massively maternal. Stop thinking about 'stepmum' and start thinking more 'aunty' or 'family friend'. I've known my stepsons for 10 years since that age and we aren't all that close, the only time we ever really did 'mum' emotional stuff was when one was in absolute agony with toothache and I gave him a cuddle on my lap and calmed him down (that's the only time I've had physical contact with that one). We don't do cuddles or kisses or stuff - they already have a mum. I'm fond of them, but that's it. We do some fun stuff together, and like a good chat, but that's it.

Acc72

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

I did not suggest that OP leaves her home every time her partners children visit!

What I did suggest is that she can let her OH enjoy his time with his children, while she takes the opportunity to catch up with her friends or something else she enjoys doing.

Or do you think she and her OH should be joined at the hip?

You actually said the following :

"The little ones come to visit their daddy at the weekend. So why not use the time to catch up with family and friends? Go out and enjoy a film or a girlie chat. Stay over occasionally and chill out. Okay you probably don't want to vacate the premises every weekend, but there is no reason why you can't leave him to spend his free time with his children and go and spend yours doing something you enjoy doing.

The alternative might be for him to rent his own place nearby and for you to live together on the days it suits both of you - ie when he is child free."

I do not think that the OP and her partner should be joined at the hip.

However, I do not agree that avoidence will resolve the issue and in my opinion going out, staying over with freinds or living apart just because the children visit once a week is avoiding the issue.

In these circumstances, I do not believe that anybody will be happy.

The children will certainly quickly pick up that their dads partner is never around when they visit and everybodys relationship may be affected.

Acc72

Seanymph wrote: »

What rubbish. In no relationship do you 'accept all aspects' of someone's life - nor should you!

Making a relationship is about jiggling and making it fit.

Some things are important to accomodate and some things aren't

In my opinion, if you enter into a relationship with somebody with children then I believe that you should "accept" this part of their life.

Also, in my opinion I would say that for most parents in this situation the acceptance of their children by a new partner would be considered "important to accommodate".

Seanymph

Absolutely - and she's accepting of them - does she HAVE to parent them every weekend? No, she doesn't - but generally I agree, you cannot ignore someone's children (although I know of relationships that do - the 'parent' goes and has access alone, say at a grandparents house, then returns at days end and the new partner has no contact with the kids at all - that works for them).

I was replying to a very sweeping statement;

If the OP wants a relationship with her partner then she must accept all aspects of his life (just as he must with her).

And I don't agree. Somethings change for both people when they get together - being a parent doesn't change, but it's a juggling thing, Mills and Boon doesn't exist in the real world (I wish ) and we have to compromise and change things and work out logistics that enable us to live in close proximity to each other happily. It's a skill, and the lack of that skill causes many relationships to falter.

The OP doesn't have to be a step mum. What she has to do is find a workable solution for both her and her partner that doesn't take away his time with his children, or cause anyone to feel negatively about it. I can absolutely stake my life on the fact that if my exes g/f absented herself occasionally when my kids were there they would NOT feel unwanted in any way shape or form. They would feel a bit more special to their father, valued, and thoroughly enjoy him to themselves.

But all relationships are different - basically I think it's fine for the OP not to want to stand at the kitchen sink washing out toddler beakers if she'd rather be reading the Sunday papers in Cafe Nero, and I'd encourage her to say 'have a lovely morning together, I've put the paints out for you and disappear rather than spend the morning painting and resenting. The kids will get older, and easier, and weekends can be spent doing other things that she takes pleasure from, be that theme parks or camping - but getting through the adjustment time takes working it out.

My OH and I both had houses - yet when we combined households we rented ANOTHER one - because we wanted everyone to not have to share, we wanted no territorial issues, and we wanted all of our kids to be able to return 'home' if it didn't work out and those safe places to still feel 'theirs'. It worked out, and we have since changed location twice more, but we talked it through, decided what we thought would give us the best chance and acted on that.

The OP will have to do the same - and if what gives them the best chance is her going out on a Sunday to have lunch at the local pub with a friend I fail to see why that is an issue. She's being honest, not building resentment, and not hindering the children's relationship with their father. Personally I wish she was dating my ex!