Adjusting to partner's kids - help and advice would be gracefully received

heretolearn_2

It'll get easier as they get older; I find little kids really hard work too, and I'm a mum to one and step mum to two. Toddlers are ok in small doses, then they get really boring! It's only when they are yours that you can overcome that feeling... After a couple hours around toddlers now I've really had enough, even if they are cute and well-behaved, I just want them gone, thank you. So don't start feeling like you are a bad person or always going to struggle with this - I think most people feel this way. Even grandparents normally say one of the great things about grandchildren is that you can love them, then give them back.

Also with toddlers I advise getting them outside to let off steam everyday. It doesn't matter what the weather is like, wear the right clothes and they are fine. Kids need space and exercise and fresh air - if they don't get it they get cranky and annoying - and it does miracles in clearing your own head and frustrations too. 30 minutes in the park is all it takes.

There's nothing wrong with wanting a bit of your own time and your OH and the kids will benefit from a bit of 'dad' time, just as they would if mum and dad were still together. Families simply don't spend 24/7 always in each others company, and there's no reason your little new family should either. As they get older you might find you like doing something with them that Dad doesn't, things can always change. This year I've finally managed to persuade them to come for a walk in the country with me (while OH is catching up on his sleep Sun mornings) instead of being stuck in front of the TV, and now they love it! We did nearly 6 miles cross country last weekend and they are dead keen on looking for new routes and things. It's nice for us to have something special we do only with each other (as well as good for my waistline) so you never know what you'll find you have in common with them as they grow.

My OH takes his sons out for a couple of hours before dropping them home, usually McDonalds and something else fairly simple, like looking at the Christmas decorations in the nearby town, or going for a drive. I used to go but I used to get so fed up/bored/sick of McDonalds (what with that and then sitting in the car for two hours round trip to get them home) that I stopped going years ago. The kids don't care. OH doesn't care. I'm happy as Larry with a few hours peace to myself and a stack of weekend papers :-) Your OHs kids really won't care either, even if they say something, really they'll just be happy to be with dad. It can quickly become the routine that you don't go.

I always spent time playing with all 3 of the kids, and doing all sorts of activities with them, but I've also always built in some 'me' time. That's how it happens with mums and dads, only the martyrs are at it full on the whole time. Normal mums and dads stick a cartoon DVD on sometimes and go and read a book or get in a bubble bath. You don't have to be superwoman or superstepmum.

Melaniep101

I just wanted to sympathise with you OP, I know exactly where you are coming from!

When I met my OH, I already had a teenage daughter and he has a 10 year old son from his previous marriage, and I've found it so hard to adjust to having another child in the house. Like your boyfriend, my OH is a great dad, and wants frequent access to his little boy (which is totally understandable) but I also feel a little trapped in that every other weekend, its dedicated to what my OH's little boy wants to do. I have to say, it is easier if it's every other weekend if at all possible, but I understand that dad would probably want to see the kids more often.

Please don't feel guilty in wanting some space, I'm sure you work hard all week and look forward to the rest at weekends. They sound like lovely children, and its fantastic that they like you and want to be around you, but you can't be expected to become a parent overnight!

I'm sure the cat will adjust too, my two disappear to a quiet place when my OH's son arrives!

fannyanna

OP - I just wanted to thank you for your post. I've wanted to post something similar in the past but have been too scared (as I feared being ripped apart or burnt at the stake lol).

I am pleasently surprised at the reponses you've received.

So thank you for being brave enought to ask the question as some of the responses that you're receiving will be applicable to other MSEers (like me) too.

FBaby

i think many new step-mums are putting way to much pressure on themselves to be the perfect dad's girlfriend/second mother during the week-end. I suspect part of it, consciously or not, is also about impressing the boyfriend as there is an assumption - rightly or not- that a man will have high expectations that his partner gets along great with his children.

I've seen many cases where the step-mum makes tons of efforts to make a good impression at the start against her feelings. This in time grows in resentment, especially when the children turn out not to be as grateful of the attention than what the step-mum expects. This leads to conflict and a dad who doesn't understand when his partner suddenly doesn't feel like playing mummy with his dearest children during the week-end.

It should go the other way around. Dad should continue to devote most of his time to his children when they come to see him. The relationship with the step-mum should develop much slower as children and step-mum gets to know each other. You are not expected to change all your life because of your partner's children. You should respect them and if you grow to love them for who they are as individuals, not just because they are your partner's children, it will come much more naturally to spend time with them.

You need to speak to your partner and explain that the weekends stress you, that you know it will be ok, but that things need to go slower for you. Consider that your Sundays are yours, get involve only when you want to. Don't feel you have to get up on Sunday mornings, you don't have to. Put earplugs on and get up when you feel like it. Do painting with them only if you feel like doing painting. This way, you will true to yourself and in the long run your partner and his kids will respect you for it.

zzzLazyDaisy

Can I just say that they are his children, not yours. They have the right to have contact with their father, but there is no rule that says this must include you. Any time you spend with them should be your choice - or not. They are his responsibility not yours.

I know I may get shot down in flames for saying this, and I apologise to anyone who disagrees with me. Of course an unwillingness to play happy families with him and his children may lead to friction or resentment between the two of you, but you will have to deal with this if / when it occurs.

Mojisola

Catseyes777 wrote: »

I do stuff with them on my own yes, like painting, etc...

Catseyes777 wrote: »

they kept on and on about me going there with them

Catseyes777 wrote: »

They love shopping... They love cleaning.... They love helping bringing the washing in (although it does end up dragged on the floor at times)... They love helping????

Don't forget to congratulate yourself on being such a great GF that his children love being with you and feel relaxed and secure in your company! That's a great achievement.

Talk it through with your BF and set a bit of time aside for yourself if you can. It is good for them to have time alone with their Dad.

Seanymph

LazyDaisy it appears far from being shot down in flames you are spot on with the advice everyone else is giving!

I know I've tied myself in knots because I'm a bit of a perfectionist and I wanted to do it all right and be hands on and perfect......... never again I tell you - I have step kids now, and I have no problem stepping back, mind you I have no problem making OH deal with my kids when I've had enough too

But I'll echo several ladies on here, my kids ABHORR having to spend every minute of access with their Dad's girlfriend, they are nice to her, but neither of them like her - they only get to see him for two weeks every year or so, and they would rather he took them camping than he took them AND her and HER kids camping and they all had to play happy families. She of course is doing what she thinks is right, but actually they'd much rather she took the time to spend with her kids and for them to have special time with their dad.

neverdespairgirl

Catseyes777 wrote: »

They love shopping... They love cleaning.... They love helping bringing the washing in (although it does end up dragged on the floor at times)... They love helping????

My toddler son also love helping. And something only took three times as long if he helped than if I got on with it on my own.

charlea

i think what often happens is the step mum or new girlfriends feels that she has to be the mum and take over the mums duties as and be perfect almost like your auditioning for the role
which is fine if thats what you want to do but if you dont then you shouldnt feel guilty Unless the kids live with you full time then that different but if its just for 24 hours ect then just relax and do what you want to do its not a crime

ive never thought of myself as a stepmother not once and i have i suppose on paper i have been one for over 12 years
they have a mum and dad i have no imput in anything such as what schools they go to ,study ,work ect and why should i im not there parent so why would i stress over things that i have no control over
Im just there dads slightly crazy wife and thats that and im happy with that - i dont cook clean wash there clothes or amuse them though they are bit to old to be amused now (but i didnt do that when they were little either) i was happy to go swimming ice skating holidays ect but on my terms so if didnt want to go then i wouldnt go and i never felt guilty
Their dads taken them away on holiday on there own, i never felt that i had to go and join them even now he still sees them on his own now every other weekend Occassionaly they may come to my house and they are welcome to but we all get along just fine and i think the main reason is that none of us have been forced to spend time with each other so there is no resentment from any of us

i know them reasonably well, just like i do my owns sons friend and i like them and get on with them however if they liked me then good but if they didnt then tough i didnt have to spend time with them if i didnt want to but they have always been pretty much ok kids

Now maybe im a selfish cow in that i dont want to be a stepmother, but im happily married and never had any of the !!!! that most step parents seem to have heaped on them

Catseyes777

January20 wrote: »

I will approach the problem a slightly different way by making 2 points;

1. Your partner and his ex get on well. This is priceless. If your partner tried to change the arrangement re contact now, it will be obvious that you are the reason and this could sour their relationship and make it difficult for him to see his children as regularly as he does. Should you really risk rocking the boat? (Incidentally, my dd saw her father for the same kind of times throughout her childhood and it didn't spoil my quality time with her are there are 2 days to the weekend.)

2. I would advise you OP not to spend all of their time at yours with them. It doesn't matter now as they are so little, but as they grow older they may want to spend some time alone with their dad, without you (and possible future siblings). My dd was (is still) very resentful that she never got to spend any time alone with her father as she had to slot into the new family he had. They had him all week, but she only saw him for 24 hours!

This is why I don't really want to rock the boat as previously said. I feel they are being extremely adult about the whole thing, putting their own differences aside for the benefit of their kids so who am I to challenge that? I have friends who have had to fight tooth and nail to get access and I really dont want to upset the situation. I have just been signed off work so should have time to think this through but I know that what it balls down to is whether I can deal with it or not...