Adjusting to partner's kids - help and advice would be gracefully received

Catseyes777

Seanymph & Lozzy, I must say, I think you are both incredible women to have managed to deal with the situations you have described as well as you have. It does indeed put my predicament in a new light, I just wish I had your strength!!!

Catseyes777

gonzo127 wrote: »

My god I think I must be a weirdo reading through all these replies, as when I first met my wife I knew she had kids, and so I knew if I wanted to be with her I would have to take on the step parent roll.

and this to me (at least) means, taking on the responsibilities of a parent to be there for those children, to help them with school work or anything else they need help with, to run around after them, to tidy up after them and to become part of their family.

I just can not understand this attitude of well they aren’t my children so its not my responsibility, to me this is crazy, if you want to be with someone with kids you need to accept that you will be a part of those children’s lives and being a part of their lives means you will have some responsibility for them

My wife and the kids are a package and I would not dream of trying to separate them in my mind or any other way, I choose to be with her and the kids knowing and accepting that I would be the one making most of the adjustments (considering I was 21 and ‘enjoying life’ at uni at the time it did mean it was a lot of adjustments) however it has been worth it, to me they are my kids, they might not share the same DNA as me to as far as I am concerned it makes no difference.

Ok so I accept I have taken on a full time step parent roll so there are some differences to a weekend step parent. But really one day a week and your having panic attacks? Especially after only 4 weeks of doing it? Are you sure it’s the kids that are the ‘problem’ or are they just the straw that broke the camels back?

You see, I guess that whilst I do not see myself so much as a stepmother but more as Daddy's girlfriend, I know that is what the kids would see me as in the future.

I indeed knew he had kids when I met him again (we went out when we were 17 for a little while) and never thought of it as a problem. In fact, I remember saying to my single mates when I was myself single that I did not have an issue with a man having kids whilst they were making a problem of it. I would never dream of separating them from him as they are the little people who made him the person he is now.

Having said that, I am an only child, my little cousins lived far away when I was young, my cousins have had kids but I only see them once a year if that. Most of my friends do not have kids and the most contact I have had with a child is when one of my friends had a bay 18 months ago. I held him for a good half hour after he was born and whenever I have seen him since (but you could still count the number of times on one day). Considering all of the above, the fact I have pretty much lived alone since I was 17 (apart from a short spell with a bf when I was 21 but that didn't work out), I think you may be able to understand a little more why I am finding this hard.

As for the panic attacks, I guess last weekend was the straw that broke the camel's back as they were quite difficult and this coupled with the fact I lost a friend last week who was pretty much my age, long hours at work and discovering the joys of living with someone and having to compromise, along with various other things, I think I ended up reaching a point of asking myself what it is I want from life.

This is why I posted on the forum, as I felt people out there would have stories that could help me or make me see things in a different perspective.

Catseyes777

DUKE wrote: »

Catseyes777 - I understand exactly how you feel as I was once in exactly the same position (although the kids were older). I remember standing at the kitchen sink cooking & clearing up after the kids & feeling like an old married woman. It was so difficult as I'd never wanted what my parents, grandparents ..... had, I wanted something different in my life. Years later (I know it's shocking but unless you're me you'll never know how this feels) I'm still not mommy material & there's nothing that I can do about it, I've tried but it just don't happen. Good Luck, hopefully it may be different for you.

This is something I am a little bit worried about to be honest... I have never had the 'urge' and whilst some of my friends say I am quite maternal with my cat or even them in the way I always try to help them or feed them, I am not convinced. Even OH says I am doing a good job but...

Catseyes777

Thank you Starnight. There have been a lot of changes and I obviously need to adjust but will need to find a solution so I dont trap myself by making myself a martyr as such lol..

savingssaver

have you thought about having them on the friday night instead, or one night through the week when they have pre-school-playschool. just try to make the most of it, play ganes with them and wear them out through the dayy, and get them to bed later then maybe they will wake up later on a sunday...

Acc72

gonzo127 wrote: »

My god I think I must be a weirdo reading through all these replies, as when I first met my wife I knew she had kids, and so I knew if I wanted to be with her I would have to take on the step parent roll.

and this to me (at least) means, taking on the responsibilities of a parent to be there for those children, to help them with school work or anything else they need help with, to run around after them, to tidy up after them and to become part of their family.

I just can not understand this attitude of well they aren’t my children so its not my responsibility, to me this is crazy, if you want to be with someone with kids you need to accept that you will be a part of those children’s lives and being a part of their lives means you will have some responsibility for them

My wife and the kids are a package and I would not dream of trying to separate them in my mind or any other way, I choose to be with her and the kids knowing and accepting that I would be the one making most of the adjustments (considering I was 21 and ‘enjoying life’ at uni at the time it did mean it was a lot of adjustments) however it has been worth it, to me they are my kids, they might not share the same DNA as me to as far as I am concerned it makes no difference.

Ok so I accept I have taken on a full time step parent roll so there are some differences to a weekend step parent. But really one day a week and your having panic attacks? Especially after only 4 weeks of doing it? Are you sure it’s the kids that are the ‘problem’ or are they just the straw that broke the camels back?

I am in agreement with the above.

You need to be honest with yourself and your partner about this. If things do not improve in the short term, then you need to seriously think whether you want to be in a relationship with a man who has children.

Some may say that this is extreme, but if your current feelings continue then this will affect your relationship with your partner and also your partners relationship with his children (and also possibly with his ex) and that is not fair on any of you.

zzzLazyDaisy

Catseyes, can I suggest that you turn this situation around and make it into a positive.....

The little ones come to visit their daddy at the weekend. So why not use the time to catch up with family and friends? Go out and enjoy a film or a girlie chat. Stay over occasionally and chill out. Okay you probably don't want to vacate the premises every weekend, but there is no reason why you can't leave him to spend his free time with his children and go and spend yours doing something you enjoy doing.

The alternative might be for him to rent his own place nearby and for you to live together on the days it suits both of you - ie when he is child free.

Pisces

Hi OP, don't feel guilty.. toddlers are incredibly demanding and hard work. I have one, and I still have days where I wish I could zip back to my 'old' life of living on my own for a while. I wouldn't be without him, just the ongoing demands on your emotions and senses can get too much sometimes. Most of us have been there!

Like others have said, have a weekend away to yourself once a month, or pop out for an hour or two. And try and remember that children don't know, or judge, on adult values. They may want to see you, but I promise within 30 seconds of you not being there they will have forgotten about you. It sounds harsh, but young children that are secure don't think we're 'abandoning' them if we're not there for an hour, we're simply not there, but we'll be back soon.

Enjoy your evenings without them, don't feel guilty, and go with the flow. If it doesn't work out, change it.

Acc72

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

The little ones come to visit their daddy at the weekend. So why not use the time to catch up with family and friends? Go out and enjoy a film or a girlie chat. Stay over occasionally and chill out.

.

Seriously ?

If the OP feels so strongly that she leaves her home every time her partners children visit then there is a serious problem that will affect the OP, her partner and his children.

If the OP wants a relationship with her partner then she must accept all aspects of his life (just as he must with her).

Otherwise everbody would be better off if the OP found a partner without children and her current partner found somebody who could accept his children visiting.

Seanymph

What rubbish. In no relationship do you 'accept all aspects' of someone's life - nor should you!

Making a relationship is about jiggling and making it fit. Some things are important to accomodate and some things aren't - and oen of you will give on one thing and the other on something else.

In this case the kids are VERY young, there are two parents already, and the OP has a history of not having to accomodate anyone, much less her man plus two toddlers! She can adjust things however she sees fit to make it comfortable and sustainable for her. And she has no business feeling bad if part of that for now is not playing at supermom when he has access with his children - who, let's face it, come to see him not her anyway.