Adjusting to partner's kids - help and advice would be gracefully received

Catseyes777

fannyanna wrote: »

OP - I just wanted to thank you for your post. I've wanted to post something similar in the past but have been too scared (as I feared being ripped apart or burnt at the stake lol).

I am pleasently surprised at the reponses you've received.

So thank you for being brave enought to ask the question as some of the responses that you're receiving will be applicable to other MSEers (like me) too.

I must say, I am pleasantly surprised too, I was a bit worried I would be burnt at the stake and told it should be something natural and all the rest of it.

I did some research online before posting but couldnt find much as it seems everything was about the kids adjusting not from the other angle, which made me feel even more inadequate. That's why I decided to bite the bullet and see what I would get back. I am very happy I did as I feel a little better about it. I still have a lot of soul searching to do as I realise there is no easy fix to it and I am either going to have to face my demons (not the kids by the way, just the way I handle things) or let go, as I dont want the children or OH to feel I resent their presence in any way.

Catseyes777

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Can I just say that they are his children, not yours. They have the right to have contact with their father, but there is no rule that says this must include you. Any time you spend with them should be your choice - or not. They are his responsibility not yours.

I know I may get shot down in flames for saying this, and I apologise to anyone who disagrees with me. Of course an unwillingness to play happy families with him and his children may lead to friction or resentment between the two of you, but you will have to deal with this if / when it occurs.

I think some of the issue may also be that he is trying 'too hard' for us all to get along.

Seanymph

When I became a step mum for the first time (my kids dad and I have been split 15 years - I've had more than one boyfriend!) - I tried to read about it, and everything you fall over takes the american shiny happy families approach. I couldn't find anything that reflected how I felt, how put upon, how I felt MY kids were missing out on time with me. How on the weekends I didn't have my kids (their Dad lived in england then) every other damned weekend - when I should have been having a social life or decorating, or travelling to visit places I had HIS kids instead! He even worked weekends and I had his kids ......... I had them every weekend - I collected them from their school over an hour away on a friday and I took them to school complete with packed lunches on a monday with clean uniform and then she'd phone and scream about what I'd put in the damned lunchboxes.

She sent no clothes, we had to clothe them.

oh I could go on for england - but I sucked it all up, kept doing it - had them every holiday for the entire time, despite the fact that she didn't work and was on benefits and I had a job! And I watched mine get less at christmas, and not so many holidays because we couldn't afford it for all four.

I learnt the hard way that you choose your boundaries - and that the reality is a whole section of society, a HUGE number of us - who DON't have shiny families, and shouldn't really.

Lozzy88

Seanymph wrote: »

I collected them from their school over an hour away on a friday and I took them to school complete with packed lunches on a monday with clean uniform and then she'd phone and scream about what I'd put in the damned lunchboxes.

She sent no clothes, we had to clothe them.

oh I could go on for england - but I sucked it all up, kept doing it - had them every holiday for the entire time, despite the fact that she didn't work and was on benefits and I had a job! And I watched mine get less at christmas, and not so many holidays because we couldn't afford it for all four.

I learnt the hard way that you choose your boundaries - and that the reality is a whole section of society, a HUGE number of us - who DON't have shiny families, and shouldn't really.

Wow! i think i could of wrote that post too, my partners ex, is horrible.

I remember when she was pleading poverty (even tho claiming all benefits under the sun) and couldnt buy the kids clothes shoes, so of course we bought them whole new wardrobe a few pairs of shoes each etc , well we never seen the kids in any of the new stuff, she claimed she had lost them.... !!!!!!??? 3 kids worth of clothes and shoes, so we decided to keep new clothes and shoes at our house and send them home in some stuff as well

I remember one time she text O/H at about 2am asking if she could come and drop the children off because she was so ill and she kept passing out :eek: so my O/H refused and said give me your address and i will come and pick up the children (to be incharge of a car while in an ill state like that could be lethal)

so we get in the car and start driving towards newcastle thinking she will tell us the address and we will already be near , next thing he gets a phone call from her and i answered and put it on loud speaker while o/h was driving

she starts to scream down the phone, "you dont care about your kids, blah blah blah" all because she didnt want him knowing her address (access issues not knowing where to send letter/her changing solicitors at last min) lol crazy so he rang her mother who went round and collect the kids and we got 3 very sleep confussed kids for 9 weeks, while she sorted herself out.

simular things have happened like this and we have had to take care of his kids full time for weeks on end having to get the oldest to and from school to gosforth from boro, me not going to work because i am the lesser payed so cheaper for me to stay off

a year ago contact was stopped between o/h and his kids, which is just so sad, his solicitor is trying to find her, and just a week ago he got a letter asking permission to change his childrens surname to her name, so i guess the whole access route will be addressed again.

I dont know why i wrote that it just annoys me anyways to skip my bit

Basically you will take time to adjust its hard but the friendship between your boyfriend and his ex wife is priceless so please just enjoy the smooth ride it could be much much worse

Seanymph

lozzy i want to give you a virtual hug. And I'd like to sit and have a coffee with you and a joint moan! He and I speerated about 6 years ago and I'm STILL angry at everything I did - especially since the day he left I have had no contact, not a phone call, not a card, not a message....... nothing. After four years of raising those kids in ways I KNOW you'd understand but few others do.

My current step kids are family -they live with us and it's a totally different set up. But visiting kids are just that - and as a step parent who only sees them weekends then I think you don't have to do anything you aren't comfortable with.

Lozzy88

Seanymph that is so sad, I think it would just be common courtesy, its so sad how because the relationship ends your ex feels all contact should stop, i would be crushed and i am actually! we have missed all there birthdays this year, and last years christmas and am sure this ones too, i just wish my O/Hs EX wakes up one morning and realises just whats she doing.

like my O/H says one day they will judge the situation them selves and even if she has turned them against him, we have tonnes of pictures of them we have drawings, we have solicitors letters, there favourite toys (from the times we were allowed to see them) so hopefully they will know one day that actually there dad isnt so bad

Same with your ex and his children i bet they will remember you

gonzo127

My god I think I must be a weirdo reading through all these replies, as when I first met my wife I knew she had kids, and so I knew if I wanted to be with her I would have to take on the step parent roll.

and this to me (at least) means, taking on the responsibilities of a parent to be there for those children, to help them with school work or anything else they need help with, to run around after them, to tidy up after them and to become part of their family.

I just can not understand this attitude of well they aren’t my children so its not my responsibility, to me this is crazy, if you want to be with someone with kids you need to accept that you will be a part of those children’s lives and being a part of their lives means you will have some responsibility for them

My wife and the kids are a package and I would not dream of trying to separate them in my mind or any other way, I choose to be with her and the kids knowing and accepting that I would be the one making most of the adjustments (considering I was 21 and ‘enjoying life’ at uni at the time it did mean it was a lot of adjustments) however it has been worth it, to me they are my kids, they might not share the same DNA as me to as far as I am concerned it makes no difference.

Ok so I accept I have taken on a full time step parent roll so there are some differences to a weekend step parent. But really one day a week and your having panic attacks? Especially after only 4 weeks of doing it? Are you sure it’s the kids that are the ‘problem’ or are they just the straw that broke the camels back?

DUKE

Catseyes777 - I understand exactly how you feel as I was once in exactly the same position (although the kids were older). I remember standing at the kitchen sink cooking & clearing up after the kids & feeling like an old married woman. It was so difficult as I'd never wanted what my parents, grandparents ..... had, I wanted something different in my life. Years later (I know it's shocking but unless you're me you'll never know how this feels) I'm still not mommy material & there's nothing that I can do about it, I've tried but it just don't happen. Good Luck, hopefully it may be different for you.

Seanymph

My OH is the same gonzo - in fact an early conversation before we lived together were his concerns over paying me maintenance for MY kids should we split up - go figure?

Anyway, I have done the 'our' kids route, and had it explode in my face, so whilst I applaud your sentiment, bitter life experience has taught me that you can then be dropped. Totally and utterly dropped. I console myself with the difference I made to their childhood, and resent the difference it made to MY kids childhood...........

But it's optional this parenting other people's children, and it shouldn't be forced upon you. You choose it. The OP is choosing to walk a more cautious path.

starnight_2

Op - there's nothing wrong with how you are feeling, as a single parent even I sometimes need a break from Ds. Yes I know I have Ds 24/7, but you are going from life as a single person to looking after 2 toddlers for 24 hrs, something you say you've never really done before. These are two toddlers, who I bet are just so excited to see dad they're bouncing, and a dad that misses his kids and wants to spend every minute of the day with them, nothing wrong with letting them spend time together.

You say you feel guilty, which I can understand, but there is no need for you to be there all the time, it gives time for children and father to have quality time. As suggested you could go somewhere else for an hour or so, or do the shopping alone. Could you're OH even take them out somewhere just the 3 of them? This doens't mena you can't do things together also.

There was something else I had wanted to say but can't remember lol

Just sending you a hug, don't beat yourself up over it, it's a huge change and you need to find a balance that works for you all.