Adjusting to partner's kids - help and advice would be gracefully received

Catseyes777

Seanymph wrote: »

I do sympathise. But this isn't going to go away. If you really hate it to the point that it's affecting you physically then you have to ask yourself if being with him is worth it.

There. I said it.

Because as much as we !!!!! foot around and want to be seen to be doing the right thing and want to do what's right for our partners at the end of the day we only get one life and this is it. And if you really can't abide having them around then the next 16 years will be hard beyond your imagination.

If you decide to stick with it then it'll get easier - the resentment over 'your' time will lesson because you will just get used to not having any!

Are you going to have kids eventually? - if you do then having his will become less of a problem because you'll get no sleep anyway

Step parenting is hard, it doesn't go away, it doesn't really get any easier and you don't get a whole lot of thankyous. But if he's worth it there are ways to make it easier.......... go to a b and b one weekend a month (on him of course!) take a kindle and bath spa stuff and sleep in on a sunday. Or he can take them to his parents once every other month, and to a youth hostel and a day out somewhere special once a month - Or have one weekend in 6 or 8 or something to go away just the two of you. Only you can work out your limits, and what would make it worth it for you. But the one thing I'd say is that if you can't abide it then you may not ever be able to abide it, and it may be just too much for you.

I would also say (going against the grain here again!) that they don't come to see you, they come to see him - so if you aren't around that's just fine and dandy - they don't need MORE of your attention, they need access with their Dad, so if you don't want to be there you shouldn't feel guilty for one minute.

Thank you. I guess once I have calmed down and a bit more rational I will be able to see the woods for the trees and work out if it is something I can deal with or not.

Catseyes777

corky40 wrote: »

A new relationship can be hard to negotiate but add kids to the mix and it becomes a minefield. Why not suggest your new bloke spends some quality time alone with his kids on a Saturday, just for a few hours. It doesn't have to every weekend but that way his relationship with them isn't compromised, they get to spend time with daddy and you can go to the shops, have a manicure, relax in your own company. You could balance this with having some "family time", and if you get on with the mum suggest you all spend one day a month out with the kids. I tried it and now the mum & I are close friends. We have all benefited.

I guess it is a good idea. I probably also need time to accept 'my new situation'.

charlea

to be honest even though i have a son myself ( 17 now ) but when other half and i got together his boys were 5 and 6 and my son was 4
we were very lucky in that his mortgage on his flat was paid off so even though we lived together in my house
when he had his boys he stayed at his flat with it was his time to spend with them Sometimes i would meet up with them go swimming ect with my son but if i didnt want to i didnt have to so it worked out fine
we went on holiday with all the kids, on our own and just with my son depending on what we wanted to actually do

there is nothing wrong with you spending time on your own doing your own thing and meeting up with them later on you dont have to be with them 24 / 7

is there anyway the time could be changed so that its friday night till saturday evening so that you get the saturday night sunday to lie in

or maybe try to do this every other weekend so you get a lie in at least every other weekend

orginally dh had his kids every weekend and a night in the week then it was every weekend but we never got to spend much time with each other
so then it went to friday night till saturday afternoon
no as they are teenagers 17 -19 its every other saturday night unless they are we have something planned

Catseyes777

Ravenlady wrote: »

A 2 and a 3 year old can drive anyone up the wall, I would really urge you to talk to your OH about rearranging the visits from 1 night a week to a full weekend every other week and maybe a sunday afternoon for a few hours on the non weekend visit if thats possible.

The problem at the moment is that I live about 45 min/ 1 hour away from where they live. As the 3 year old has started pre school, it would be difficult to manage during the week.

Catseyes777

charlea wrote: »

to be honest even though i have a son myself ( 17 now ) but when other half and i got together his boys were 5 and 6 and my son was 4
we were very lucky in that his mortgage on his flat was paid off so even though we lived together in my house
when he had his boys he stayed at his flat with it was his time to spend with them Sometimes i would meet up with them go swimming ect with my son but if i didnt want to i didnt have to so it worked out fine
we went on holiday with all the kids, on our own and just with my son depending on what we wanted to actually do

there is nothing wrong with you spending time on your own doing your own thing and meeting up with them later on you dont have to be with them 24 / 7

is there anyway the time could be changed so that its friday night till saturday evening so that you get the saturday night sunday to lie in

or maybe try to do this every other weekend so you get a lie in at least every other weekend

orginally dh had his kids every weekend and a night in the week then it was every weekend but we never got to spend much time with each other
so then it went to friday night till saturday afternoon
no as they are teenagers 17 -19 its every other saturday night unless they are we have something planned

OH may be changing jobs so this is a very good idea if he manages to get a job with Saturdays off, I will definitely bear that in mind thank you.

Seanymph

It's just logistics though isn't it.

The first thing is; are you prepared to do that? Is it too much to ask of you that you play mom every weekend in this new relationship of yours? If you decide to - then YOU are in control - this isn't visited upon you, you are making a choice to assume that role, and you can set your own boundaries around it.

That's your first question - because you aren't evil if you don't want to play happy families with other people's kids every damn weekend - you are normal - but generally poeple don't admit it openly because of the fear of being judged ........ not here though obviously, how lovely! - you haven't had kids, you can still have holidays skiing and weekends to yourself if you want to - so you have to CHOOSE to be with this guy and be prepared to make that sacrifice.

if you are, IF you are, then you can alter logistics to fit. And it can be easier - but it's hard, honestly it's always hard. But there are some great truths. you should not feel any guilt at any point, they aren't yours. You should feel totally able to leave them to him - they come to see him not you. He gets to deal with his ex not you- she's his problem.

So, make your decision - then you can work on making it as easy as possible for yourself if you choose to assume the role of their step mum.

Catseyes777

Seanymph wrote: »

It's just logistics though isn't it.

The first thing is; are you prepared to do that? Is it too much to ask of you that you play mom every weekend in this new relationship of yours? If you decide to - then YOU are in control - this isn't visited upon you, you are making a choice to assume that role, and you can set your own boundaries around it.

That's your first question - because you aren't evil if you don't want to play happy families with other people's kids every damn weekend - you are normal - but generally poeple don't admit it openly because of the fear of being judged ........ not here though obviously, how lovely! - you haven't had kids, you can still have holidays skiing and weekends to yourself if you want to - so you have to CHOOSE to be with this guy and be prepared to make that sacrifice.

if you are, IF you are, then you can alter logistics to fit. And it can be easier - but it's hard, honestly it's always hard. But there are some great truths. you should not feel any guilt at any point, they aren't yours. You should feel totally able to leave them to him - they come to see him not you. He gets to deal with his ex not you- she's his problem.

So, make your decision - then you can work on making it as easy as possible for yourself if you choose to assume the role of their step mum.

And I guess this is what scares me. You are right, I have to make the decision myself. It was possibly a bit naive to think it'd come 'naturally' or would be easy. I probably thought that because it was always ok when I was spending time with them at his flat.

It is difficult though because I wouldn't want to just give up and leave him just because he has kids?

January20

I will approach the problem a slightly different way by making 2 points;

1. Your partner and his ex get on well. This is priceless. If your partner tried to change the arrangement re contact now, it will be obvious that you are the reason and this could sour their relationship and make it difficult for him to see his children as regularly as he does. Should you really risk rocking the boat? (Incidentally, my dd saw her father for the same kind of times throughout her childhood and it didn't spoil my quality time with her are there are 2 days to the weekend.)

2. I would advise you OP not to spend all of their time at yours with them. It doesn't matter now as they are so little, but as they grow older they may want to spend some time alone with their dad, without you (and possible future siblings). My dd was (is still) very resentful that she never got to spend any time alone with her father as she had to slot into the new family he had. They had him all week, but she only saw him for 24 hours!

charlea

that the other thing they come to see there dad, not you you dont have to be there if you dont want to, and dont feel guilty about it either its a waste of your time and energy

he can take them swimming, bowling, soft play centers for a few hours ect you dont have to do it if you dont want to and its not being selfish cos you dont want to go
i rather tear my fingernails out and stick them in hot tar than spend a few hours at a soft play center with small kids

also sometimes it makes more sense to have kids every other weekend if possible that way each parent gets a weekend free rather than just a night or so if you approached it this way it wouldnt seem like your trying to get rid of them

gratefulforhelp_2

Catseyes777 wrote: »

Hi

I wonder if someone can help or give me their thoughts on my current predicament...

My boyfriend moved in last month. He has 2 little boys, 2 & 3 years old. He normally has then around 17:00 on a Saturday and they go back on a Sunday around 17:00 so we are only really talking 24 hours here.

I have always lived on my own, although with a cat in the last 6 years. Before meeting him, I was single for nearly 6 years and have very little contact with kids despite being 33.

I was fine with the 2 children prior to him moving in, even on long 2 or 3 days away with them but I am struggling like hell now. I just can't handle it and after this weekend, I am having chest pains and I can't stop crying. I know it's not much to have them for just one night but I just feel like I am trapped and have lost my weekends. I dread Fridays and don't know how to tackle it. I feel so selfish for feeling that way but can't snap out of it.

Has anybody got any suggestions on what I could do? I can't carry on like it as I will end up resenting them. Please help!

Talk to him? What does he say?

The children aren't going to vanish I don't suppose, maybe it's not just them?