Adjusting to partner's kids - help and advice would be gracefully received

Catseyes777

Hi

I wonder if someone can help or give me their thoughts on my current predicament...

My boyfriend moved in last month. He has 2 little boys, 2 & 3 years old. He normally has then around 17:00 on a Saturday and they go back on a Sunday around 17:00 so we are only really talking 24 hours here.

I have always lived on my own, although with a cat in the last 6 years. Before meeting him, I was single for nearly 6 years and have very little contact with kids despite being 33.

I was fine with the 2 children prior to him moving in, even on long 2 or 3 days away with them but I am struggling like hell now. I just can't handle it and after this weekend, I am having chest pains and I can't stop crying. I know it's not much to have them for just one night but I just feel like I am trapped and have lost my weekends. I dread Fridays and don't know how to tackle it. I feel so selfish for feeling that way but can't snap out of it.

Has anybody got any suggestions on what I could do? I can't carry on like it as I will end up resenting them. Please help!

RAS

Would it be possible to change to alternate weekends?

newcook

how did you used to spend your weekends?

one of my ex's had a son who we used to have on a saturday - we just used to go out on a friday instead and have a cosy quiet saturday with a pizza and a film

mummyroysof3

do you have to spend the whole time with them every time they come? even an hour on your own while they there may help. imsure at that age they are asleep early too so not too bad surely

System

As they get older and start school you may find that the every weekend plan may alter...but in the meantime I would suggest spending a bit of your time with the boys, and then going off to do something by yourself, evening out with friends perhaps...just so you don't feel you have to be in and that you haven't lost all the pleasure of a weekend.

Catseyes777

I don't want to ask him to only have them alternate weekends, as he misses them a lot already and only sees them then. He is a good dad and the relationship with the ex wife is extremely good as they do everything they can for both kids to be well balanced. I know they miss him too as there has been a couple of times where she turned up for an hour or so because they were crying for him. You hear so many bad stories where the mother stops the bloke from seeing the kids that I feel he needs to enjoy the fact it is working out well for him and them. I would really feel like the evil witch stepmother suggesting that.

I think my main issue is the Sunday as, like you say, we can go out on the Friday night instead. Despite his best efforts, I can't sleep on a Sunday morning once they are awake (I am a very light sleeper) and it is pretty much my only chance of a lay in. When we can afford to go out, I still find it hard as I am discovering how much hard work it is to have 2 kids and to make sure they are ok... and shopping with 2 kids is difficult as they get bored in adult shops (and I dont blame them). If we are at home, they just keep on asking me questions and I dont want to ignore them as it is nice they like me and take an interest.

But I feel knackered, like I havent had a rest (I have a stressful job) and trapped by the time they are back with their mum...

blondy24

I would also recommend having at least an hour on your own whilst they are there with you, perhaps pop out for a coffee with friends, have a long hot bath or just go shopping.

Do you do stuff with the children on your own to help with the bonding experience? I feel that this helps me with my OH's three kids and it definitely makes the time with the kids more enjoyable and not resentful. You could perhaps take the kids out for a walk in the park, to a soft play centre or do some fun cooking with the eldest perhaps.....

Have you figured out why you are upset is it because you like your own time, want kids of your own or just wish you could spend all your time with your b/f on your own without anyone else?

balletshoes

you've got almost all day together on Saturday until the kids come. So make your weekend from Friday when you both get home from work until Saturday at 5pm.

You don't need to be at home/with your bf and his kids all the time they're at your house, you can go out and visit your family/friends, go for a walk, do some shopping, have some you time.

Its just going to take some time to adjust, thats all. Theres no need to feel trapped, would you feel the same if your boyfriend worked Saturday evening and all day Sunday, instead of having his kids at that time every week?

Catseyes777

mummyroysof3 wrote: »

do you have to spend the whole time with them every time they come? even an hour on your own while they there may help. imsure at that age they are asleep early too so not too bad surely

This is going to sound weird but I feel guilty? I guess I am also more selfish than I thought for feeling that way, sometimes I just wish I could have my 'single' life again at weekends...

Oldernotwiser

Can't you have your lie in/restful day on the Saturday and then be out and about with the children on the Sunday?

I certainly wouldn't take children of this age shopping either.

Oldernotwiser

Catseyes777 wrote: »

This is going to sound weird but I feel guilty? I guess I am also more selfish than I thought for feeling that way, sometimes I just wish I could have my 'single' life again at weekends...

Why would you feel guilty? The children need time alone with their father, not with you around all the time.