Adjusting to partner's kids - help and advice would be gracefully received

balletshoes

Catseyes777 wrote: »

I think it's all about freedom. I was very controlled by my parents as a child/ teenager and it's probably why I was single for so long, because I could not commit to the lack of freedom. By having them there, I feel I have to fulfill some sort of duty?

but you're an adult now - and you don't have to do anything you don't want to. You have no duty towards them, their Dad sounds like he's doing a grand job . Do things with them because its what you want to do. If you don't want to, don't. It really is that simple, if you let it be.

mummyroysof3

Catseyes777 wrote: »

They love shopping... They love cleaning.... They love helping bringing the washing in (although it does end up dragged on the floor at times)... They love helping????

ill swap ya for mine then..they dont like helping:rotfl:

Catseyes777

newcook wrote: »

I think I can understand where you are coming from with the guilt thing. they are in your house and you feel the need to keep them entertained and happy and content but at the same time they are in your house and need to be entertained, kept happy and content!! I think it’s a ‘personal space’ thing if that makes sense?!!? I bet if you think about it you possibly had a similar feeling when OH moved in!

Try going out on Fridays with OH, have a lie in on Saturday and take the boys out for lunch at a wacky on a Sunday. have a soak in the bath once OH has put them to bed saturday (possibly even join in story time) for a bit of 'me' time.

The feeling will pass, just give it time x

Thank you for putting some of my feelings into words

You are probably right, it will pass... I hope! x

Catseyes777

balletshoes wrote: »

but you're an adult now - and you don't have to do anything you don't want to. You have no duty towards them, their Dad sounds like he's doing a grand job . Do things with them because its what you want to do. If you don't want to, don't. It really is that simple, if you let it be.

I guess I need to relax more about the whole thing too...

Catseyes777

mummyroysof3 wrote: »

ill swap ya for mine then..they dont like helping:rotfl:

Lol, I'm sure that will change as they grow older though :rotfl:

Seanymph

I do sympathise. But this isn't going to go away. If you really hate it to the point that it's affecting you physically then you have to ask yourself if being with him is worth it.

There. I said it.

Because as much as we !!!!! foot around and want to be seen to be doing the right thing and want to do what's right for our partners at the end of the day we only get one life and this is it. And if you really can't abide having them around then the next 16 years will be hard beyond your imagination.

If you decide to stick with it then it'll get easier - the resentment over 'your' time will lesson because you will just get used to not having any!

Are you going to have kids eventually? - if you do then having his will become less of a problem because you'll get no sleep anyway

Step parenting is hard, it doesn't go away, it doesn't really get any easier and you don't get a whole lot of thankyous. But if he's worth it there are ways to make it easier.......... go to a b and b one weekend a month (on him of course!) take a kindle and bath spa stuff and sleep in on a sunday. Or he can take them to his parents once every other month, and to a youth hostel and a day out somewhere special once a month - Or have one weekend in 6 or 8 or something to go away just the two of you. Only you can work out your limits, and what would make it worth it for you. But the one thing I'd say is that if you can't abide it then you may not ever be able to abide it, and it may be just too much for you.

I would also say (going against the grain here again!) that they don't come to see you, they come to see him - so if you aren't around that's just fine and dandy - they don't need MORE of your attention, they need access with their Dad, so if you don't want to be there you shouldn't feel guilty for one minute.

RAS

Catseyes777 wrote: »

I don't want to ask him to only have them alternate weekends, as he misses them a lot already and only sees them then. He is a good dad and the relationship with the ex wife is extremely good as they do everything they can for both kids to be well balanced. I know they miss him too as there has been a couple of times where she turned up for an hour or so because they were crying for him. You hear so many bad stories where the mother stops the bloke from seeing the kids that I feel he needs to enjoy the fact it is working out well for him and them. I would really feel like the evil witch stepmother suggesting that.

Once the eldest moves into full-time school (not long), then the current arrangments is not going to suit either parent. The eldest is going to have very little quality time with mum because he is at school all week and neither parent every has a weekend free. It could make more sense to have them for two nights every fortnight.

But in the mean-time please remember

1. The kids need to spend time with their dad.
2. In a two-parent family mum would go off to shop and leave the kids at home, or one parent would take them to the park whilst the other cooked Sunday lunch and did the washing.

You need to be more normal about your activities rather then being together all the time with the kids.

newcook

RAS wrote: »

Once the eldest moves into full-time school (not long), then the current arrangments is not going to suit either parent. The eldest is going to have very little quality time with mum because he is at school all week and neither parent every has a weekend free. It could make more sense to have them for two nights every fortnight.

or it may be that by that time everyone will be settled in a routine.

me and my brother used to go to our dad and stepmoms late saturday morning until about 4pm on a sunday every week (parents split when I was 6).

corky40

A new relationship can be hard to negotiate but add kids to the mix and it becomes a minefield. Why not suggest your new bloke spends some quality time alone with his kids on a Saturday, just for a few hours. It doesn't have to every weekend but that way his relationship with them isn't compromised, they get to spend time with daddy and you can go to the shops, have a manicure, relax in your own company. You could balance this with having some "family time", and if you get on with the mum suggest you all spend one day a month out with the kids. I tried it and now the mum & I are close friends. We have all benefited.

Ravenlady_2

A 2 and a 3 year old can drive anyone up the wall, I would really urge you to talk to your OH about rearranging the visits from 1 night a week to a full weekend every other week and maybe a sunday afternoon for a few hours on the non weekend visit if thats possible.