I don't like my mother!

CKhalvashi

londonsurrey wrote: »

The golden child method is not done for the benefit of the child. It's used as a method of controlling the child.

So as a method of child rearing, it's abysmal. As a method of control of a resource, it's very effective.

I’m perfectly aware of that, and that’s why I won’t use it.

I treat my children, to an extent, under the same hat as employees. I have a duty of care towards them, I need to be sure of their welfare at all times, but the main similarity is that I won’t give up on them if they get something wrong.

I work with kids, many of whom are in privileged positions, this is why my response is the ray it is!

Scape_Goat

Thank you all for your lovely messages and replies. First of all, somebody wrote in a thread about the impact everything has had on my dear sister Happy Haddock and to not underestimate her complete distress of everything that has happened through our childhoods, I totally agree! She is very upset and keeps saying she wished she'd helped me more. I wish I'd helped her as well. I've had therapy and been in and out of hospital for 20 years and every time I have been in, she and my lovely brother in law, are the only ones that have been there for me. My sister has kept everything bottled up for years and certain things that happened to her, I wish I'd been there for her as well. As she said and other people have predicted, I've got the blame for filling her head with rubbish! She then told me to stay away as well, although as I've always done in the past as she knows have gone crawling back and she always makes me feel that I was in the wrong, so I end up feeling guilty. One thing I am worried about though is my daughter, she is 20 years old and I know that she feels worried about her nannie being on her own. I know when she does go and visit her she will end up being promised this and that and given allsorts to make her go again and will be manipulated by her. Any advice anybody could give me on that one would be gratefully received! I am totally expecting a phone call off somebody to say she is ill, which always happens when the attention's not on her. Every single time I've been ill and in the psychiatric hospitals, she's always turned and been ill, knowing fine well, that I'll be talking about the TRUTH. Every time I think about her, speak to my sister, writing this, I get so angry and want to ring up and confront her, What does anybody think about that, should I? One brilliant thing though that has come out of all this, is that me and my sister are propers sisters like it should be.

londonsurrey

I don't think there's much point in confronting your mother. Think of a psychopath - there's nothing there that you could hope for real sorrow/repentance/reconciliation from.

If you confront her at the moment, she will press SOME button that will hurt you. There will be indifference, aggression, hurt, accusations from her, but there will NOT be any apologies or acknowledgement of her responsibility in anything, which is what you want.


Have you read the thing about NMs making you seem mad, and them the reasonable ones? This happens because you're trying to get justice and fairness, but they're calmly denying all their crimes, which makes you jump up and down even more!

I think that NM is not necessarily a psychopath, but they are sociopaths. A psychopath will brick your house, but a sociopath will brick your mind.

It took me decades to firmly sever all contacts. This covered the "small" things like resisting the curiosity to open the letters. At the end of the day, I'd long learnt that all "baits", like little gifts or information, would be tainted with something that hurt. There was no innocent contact with her.


I do think that there is mileage in writing down what you want to say in your confrontation with your mother. It will achieve two things. The first is to get it all out of you, and in a form that you can theoretically just show someone without having to go through it again.

The second is that you will know that it is now there, available to your daughter, for whenever she's in the right frame of mind to process it.

Blackpool_Saver

londonsurrey wrote: »

Think of a psychopath - there's nothing there that you could hope for real sorrow/repentance/reconciliation from.

Have you read the thing about NMs making you seem mad, and them the reasonable ones? This happens because you're trying to get justice and fairness, but they're calmly denying all their crimes, which makes you jump up and down even more!

This is so true, it was true of my ex and now sadly my son does it to me too, my mother was also an alcoholic, and my Dad ran off with a woman and cut me off, what a sad sick world

spirit

londonsurrey wrote: »

But when it came down to it, my NM was still happy to not do anything when her second husband made improper advances towards me. She refused to acknowledge it, except for some ten years later, when she wanted me to testify to a religious tribunal, so she could get a divorce in the catholic church.

Your NM takes the absolute biscuit LS. the bit i've emboldened above it my NM except I'm not the golden child. She continues to refuse to acknowledge that she knew anything about it to this day - afaik since I dont have contact now)

Is anyone from families of more than 2 children and know what happens there? Just asking since I am middle child and scapegoat, younger sister is also scapegoat and elder sister is GC.

scottish_lassy

Scape_Goat wrote: »

One thing I am worried about though is my daughter, she is 20 years old and I know that she feels worried about her nannie being on her own. I know when she does go and visit her she will end up being promised this and that and given allsorts to make her go again and will be manipulated by her. Any advice anybody could give me on that one would be gratefully received! I am totally expecting a phone call off somebody to say she is ill, which always happens when the attention's not on her.

As your daughter does not have quite the same emotional attachment to your mother as you, she (your daughter) will tolerate alot less that you and it will only take one comment from your mother (which is guaranteed) for your daughter to see the truth and detach. This happened with my daughter/mother and when she detached she did it alot easier and swiftly than I had!

As for your mother's impending 'illness', just convince yourself that if you run to her aid, she will just get sicker - which ofcourse she will to evoke as much sympathy as possible. Therefore it is much better for your mother's health (and yours) to stay away. She will try everything to press the emotional blackmail buttons and remember she is an expert, so you need someone around you to rationalise situations as you have been 'trained' not to react normally.

devildog

Scape_Goat wrote: »

Thank you all for your lovely messages and replies. First of all, somebody wrote in a thread about the impact everything has had on my dear sister Happy Haddock and to not underestimate her complete distress of everything that has happened through our childhoods, I totally agree! She is very upset and keeps saying she wished she'd helped me more. I wish I'd helped her as well. I've had therapy and been in and out of hospital for 20 years and every time I have been in, she and my lovely brother in law, are the only ones that have been there for me. My sister has kept everything bottled up for years and certain things that happened to her, I wish I'd been there for her as well. As she said and other people have predicted, I've got the blame for filling her head with rubbish! She then told me to stay away as well, although as I've always done in the past as she
knows have gone crawling back and she always makes me feel that I was in the wrong, so I end up feeling guilty. One thing I am worried about though is my daughter, she is 20 years old and I know that she feels worried about her nannie being on her own. I know when she does go and visit her she will end up being promised this and that and given allsorts to make her go again and will be manipulated by her. Any advice anybody could give me on that one would be gratefully received! I am totally expecting a phone call off somebody to say she is ill, which always happens when the attention's not on her. Every single time I've been ill and in the psychiatric hospitals, she's always turned and been ill, knowing fine well, that I'll be talking about the TRUTH. Every time I think about her, speak to my sister, writing this, I get so angry and want to ring up and confront her, What does anybody think about that, should I? One brilliant thing though that has come out of all this, is that me and my sister are propers sisters like it should be.

When I iniitally broke off all contact(into 3rd year now) I had no idea about N'mothers I just knew that for my own sanity and peace of mind I had to break contact. At that point I made it clear to my 'children' that just because I had no contact it didn't mean they themselves couldn't have a relationship with her. Youngest were not bothered, eldest wanted to maintain relationship. Over following months I discovered N' mothers and things became so clear.
Anyhow, eldest tried with my mother but very, very quickly appreciated how she really was and has maintained no contact with her either.
It is difficult because you will know the games being played and you don't want your daughter to be sucked in and you want to protect her but equally I guess there is that part of you that also thinks that perhaps your mother will actually be ok with your daughter.
It is a fine balance because sometimes the more you push for someone not to do something the more they wil dig their heels in and do it. In my case stepping back and giving my eldest the opportunity to decide themself was the 'right' thing but it certainly wasn't easy.

I can totally understand the anger you feel and that will probably be with you for a while yet. Personally I would not phone, initially you may feel that it will somehow benefit you but it doesn't. You know full well that the responses from your mother are not going to be ones that you want to hear(so you become more angry) and by phoning you also give her satisfaction in that she knows she still has the 'power' to hurt you. It is so difficult at first, the temptation is almost over powering but you will be so much better for not contacting.
Believe me it does get easier, I can honestly say now that when I hear things like she is ack in hospital etc it has no affect on me whatsoever and I never thought that would happen. Stay strong

londonsurrey

spirit wrote: »

Your NM takes the absolute biscuit LS. the bit i've emboldened above it my NM except I'm not the golden child. She continues to refuse to acknowledge that she knew anything about it to this day - afaik since I dont have contact now)

Is anyone from families of more than 2 children and know what happens there? Just asking since I am middle child and scapegoat, younger sister is also scapegoat and elder sister is GC.

My sister was two years younger than me, and was eventually adopted by our paternal grandmother. 17 years later, my mother had a third child, my little half brother. He was another golden child, the next great hope, and although I was to become the breadwinner for the family, I was kind of demoted to "constant disappointment".

He was a lovely child, very amenable. But my mother of course wouldn't leave him alone, confusing him by praising him, then criticising him. Like with me, he was basically told that he was nothing without her, that there was no place in the world without her.

It worked. Eventually, he believed her. Half a month after his 17th birthday, he killed himself.

devildog

londonsurrey wrote: »

My sister was two years younger than me, and was eventually adopted by our paternal grandmother. 17 years later, my mother had a third child, my little half brother. He was another golden child, the next great hope, and although I was to become the breadwinner for the family, I was kind of demoted to "constant disappointment".

He was a lovely child, very amenable. But my mother of course wouldn't leave him alone, confusing him by praising him, then criticising him. Like with me, he was basically told that he was nothing without her, that there was no place in the world without her.

It worked. Eventually, he believed her. Half a month after his 17th birthday, he killed himself.

Words fail me, that is so terribly sad

londonsurrey

happyhaddock wrote: »

My father died last year and obviously this brought me, my sister and mum together. I felt sorry for her and softened somewhat, visiting every week taking her shopping and taking the kids to see her.

However, this year mum has started reverting to type. She divided me and my sister by playing one against the other, again being really nice to me whilst being truly awful to her, but telling me all the bad things she did so I'd take mum's side. I'm happy to say that after mum overstepped the mark a couple of months ago I got back in contact with my sister and have been able to regain our sisterly bond. I'm actually very angry, hurt and guilty that I allowed mum to do this to us.

So to my actual question. I don't feel as if I want to see her or have any contact with her but is this a really bad way to feel because Dad is no longer there and I feel a sense of duty. I feel like I could happily cease contact as she hasn't been there for much of my life but does that make me a bad person?

This happened to me after the suicide of my brother. At the point when he killed himself, I had basically cut off all contact with my mother bar what was necessary to arrange contact with my brother.

I basically was like a divorced party, except I was her daughter, not her ex-husband. When my bother killed himself, like you, I tried again, doing the humane thing, visiting her, looking after her, etc.

For a few months, she was semi-palatable. Then of course, she pushed it and pushed it until she totally overstepped the mark, again.

I severed contact at that point. As I said to my husband, "Well, the good and bad news is, she's back! She's better now and her real self again." Lol.