I don't like my mother!

spirit

happyhaddock wrote: »

I still cannot believe mum can just throw away our relationship rather than try to find out what the underlying problems are.

Because it's all about her in her mind, to accept that there are problems would be to acknowledge her part in it - which will never happen.

londonsurrey

Ironically, it's a double whammy. You were always disposable, but she fed you a line that the mummy-child thing was really precious. You didn't realise that it was a one way thing, that you're bound to her, not the other way round.

And then, having got your head round the fact that you're disposable, what will happen is that having worked her way through various relatives, your sister, your niece, etc, she'll then return to you, using guilt to demand that you continue paying that debt that she thinks you can never repay, i.e. you're hers, and you will pay because everyone owes her.

POPPYOSCAR

spirit wrote: »

Because it's all about her in her mind, to accept that there are problems would be to acknowledge her part in it - which will never happen.

Yes, and I also think in her mind it is only a temporary thing and down the line things will just continue on as usual.

System

Some things lie deep hidden in the depths of your head and stay locked away never to be thought of again (or very rarely).

Today is the birthday of my daughter who died when she was still a baby but reading this thread as ive done countless times, reminded me of the weeks/months/years after her death.

I was only 18, still a babe myself but it didnt lesson the pain.

We all deal with things differently i suppose but i quickly learned that my way of coping with losing her was to talk about her. She had gone, i knew that, but that was no reason not to deny her existance.

Very soon i learned that i couldnt mention her name to Mom. She said she was too upset. When she did talk about losing her Grandchild it was as though it was only her that felt the pain. I was still young you see.

I did my grieving in private. She announced hers to the world.

She lost her Grandchild but i think she forgot that i had lost my daughter.

londonsurrey

Judi wrote: »

Some things lie deep hidden in the depths of your head and stay locked away never to be thought of again (or very rarely).

Today is the birthday of my daughter who died when she was still a baby but reading this thread as ive done countless times, reminded me of the weeks/months/years after her death.

I was only 18, still a babe myself but it didnt lesson the pain.

We all deal with things differently i suppose but i quickly learned that my way of coping with losing her was to talk about her. She had gone, i knew that, but that was no reason not to deny her existance.

Very soon i learned that i couldnt mention her name to Mom. She said she was too upset. When she did talk about losing her Grandchild it was as though it was only her that felt the pain. I was still young you see.

I did my grieving in private. She announced hers to the world.

She lost her Grandchild but i think she forgot that i had lost my daughter.

Hello Judi,

I'm so very sorry about the loss of your baby.

Losing my husband is not on par with losing your baby, but I mention it because my NM did the same thing, i.e. it was her loss.

In my case, it was almost farcical. I'd taken her to court for a restraining order. She sat there, and spouted all this stuff about her loss of her perfect son-in-law, how she was bereaved and she should be allowed a lot of leeway because of her loss.

... think about it. She did this, sitting opposite the widow of said dead son-in-law, i.e. me! And she was saying because of her great loss, she should be allowed to leeway to harass the widow! :rotfl:

devildog

Scapegoat-What you have to remember with your mother and her tears when daughter left is that if she cared about your daughter she would have put on a brave face and then let it all out when she left. However your mother cared more about herself and was playing the 'pity' card(regardless of whether it was distressing to your daughter) surely that tells you something.
She will not ring you to find out what is wrong, she doesn't need to (LOL) it's all your fault!! Why should she bother to make the first move!! As others have said you really are not going to get any answers, the very most you can expect is total denial-so don't give her the pleasure!
The first year or two are really difficult but once you get past that life becomes so much nicer. Please don't give in to her!

Laura721

God this story really touched me and reminds me a little of my mum on a much lower scale. My mum is a wonderful yet very very shy person whilst sober. When she is drunk, she can be horrific. I am 25 and from what I can remember she has been drinking glasses and glasses of wine after work for way over a decade. Her and my dad have been divorced since I was 5, she has changed a lot since then. I have tried a million times to make her realise she has a problem but she just "doesn't want to talk about it" - the usual phrase from an alcoholic in denial? I love my mum dearly, but my husband and I married on March 24th and really want to try for a family soon. I cannot face the prospect of her not even being able to hold my newborn baby because of the shakes she gets during the day. I have no idea how she has a job to be honest. I know she takes wine in a small water bottle to work, I'm not stupid and I don't even live with her anymore. Of course, always worse on weekends when she has the whole day to drink - starts at lunch time. I really want to do something about this NOW and even more importantly before it is too late, but I can't do anything can I?

happyhaddock_2

Judi I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you are able to deal with it in a way that helps you xx
LS I continue to be astounded by what you 'mother' did to you. How can they just think that they are the only ones with valid feelings and we are just an extension of them, not a separate living person!i
Spirit and poppyscar you've both hit the nail on the head. Mum will never acknowledge her part in all this and no doubt hopes/thinks it will all blow over if she keeps quiet long enough!
Thank you all again

happyhaddock_2

Gosh more replies whilst I was typing
Devil dog this is exactly what I said to my sister, mum is feeling sorry for herself and is playing the pity card. My sis very nearly fell for it as well!

Laura I'm so sorry to hear about your mum, I know exactly how you feel. Our mum will never admit she has a chronic drink problem either The thing is after she nearly died a few years ago she did stop for a while and even came to see te kids. Unfortunately all it did was show me what could of been and it didn't last long. I have never been able to ask her to babysit, I just couldn't put my kids in her care. My husband says the kids have only known one set of grandparents, his!
You can only help your mum if SHE wants to stop, it's very sad. Perhaps you having a baby might be the incentive she needs, if not though don't feel guilty for putting you and your babies needs first. Please feel free to post, I know it's helped us immensely xx

meritaten

happyhaddock wrote: »

Thanks tygermoth and everyone else who has posted. I agree with everything you say TM I have had enough of her games and control now it has gone on quite long enough. If I had known what impact and response my letter to her would have ie. NONE! then I would of sent it years ago whilst dad was still here.

I still cannot believe mum can just throw away our relationship rather than try to find out what the underlying problems are. I suppose that is the difference between us, I will do anything for my kids and would be devastated if one of them stopped contact with me. I feel that she has used me all my life and now I am of no further use to her, because I have dared to question her, she has thrown me away!

happy - to your mother there ARE NO UNDERLYING PROBLEMS! hun - you have to get your head around the fact that in HER mind she was the perfect mother! Everything that has happened is your sisters fault! and now YOU have turned on HER! SHE has done nothing wrong its you and your sister.

I was married to the scapegoat and we had a very good and loving relationship to his BIL the 'Goldenchild'. But, BIL was very wise - he kept his family away from her as much as possible, he never bad-mouthed her, just kept his distance until he realised I knew what she was. He approved that I played her - its the only way to cope when you have NO choice - yet supported my OH and bolstered his ego.

I havent said that I also have two other brothers in law - both of which were 'farmed' out to grandparents as toddlers, as my MIL was 'ill' and couldnt cope - the one who went to MILs parents as as bad as MIL, the other one is a sweety. neither of them had much to do with her and just saw her as 'mum' who they didnt live with. They had no idea what she really was - except for my SIL of the sweety - who wanted a real close relationship but had to concede that MIL was a horrible woman.
MIL managed to screw up the life of every one of her four sons - they ALL had abnormal childhoods!

Scapegoat - Dont contact her hun - and DONT feel guilty! both you and Happy wanted a normal mum - the fact you didnt is NOT your fault! You are lucky though that you now have a good relationship with Sis! My OH has lost his BIL through death and we miss him terribly, and he was my OHs support all through his childhood and teen years and even later.
Make the most of the Sisterly relationship you have. I hate having to say this but think it must be said. You can never have a normal mother/child relationship with a narcissist. it just isnt possible and it may be best to resign yourself to that?

Your DD has not lived with her and though she is fond of her nan I do hope your DD is sensible enough that she WONT be taken in by Nan's version of events. She isnt a child, and although I wouldnt make a point of pointing out her shortcomings - I wouldnt hide the truth either. treat her as another adult - my own DD surprised with me with some very astute observations while MIL was dying. Your DD may very well see her just as clearly.