I don't like my mother!

devildog

LOL Do you think the bookies will take a bet

meritaten

give everything to your niece to take round to 'mums' - pack it in front of niece. that way 'niece' can confirm that everything is exactly as you sent it!

assuming that your niece is still visiting your mum of course.

happyhaddock_2

She's supposed to be going to see her today meri, but to be honest I wouldn't want to put her in that position. I'll just wait and see what happens

Kikikickin

I'm glad to have found this thread! It's comforting to know other people are going through a similar dilemma. I've wanted to cut my mum out for a while now for similar reasons. I agree completely with the sentiments of the person who gave the first reply to you - there's no law to love someone whose not worthy and if that person doesn't enhance your life, there's no reason to feel a duty towards them.

However, although I felt confident in my decision, it's actually been the responses of other people that has made me feel uncomfortable and like i'm doing something wrong. For example, my MIL (who is obviously looking at it from the perspective of a mother and of someone who has never been through anything like this) cannot understand how someone could 'so easily' cut their own mother out! I find it difficult to speak to her about it, but she understands better after actually having met her but she still thinks I'm harsh. I don't know why I'm so bothered about what she thinks...

And, I'm getting married next year so I'm getting quite anxious about people asking why my mother isn't there! Deep down, I know I don't need her poison in my life, but other people's responses make me feel like I'm being harsh. I know in society people place utmost value on 'mothers' and your relationship with your mother, but if your mother hasn't been there for you, surely people shouldn't respond so badly if you say you want nothing more to do with her?

Blaaah, anyway think I just needed to get it off my chest really. Has anyone else had to explain to people why their parents are not attending their wedding? Any tips?

duchy

Kikikickin wrote: »

And, I'm getting married next year so I'm getting quite anxious about people asking why my mother isn't there! Deep down, I know I don't need her poison in my life, but other people's responses make me feel like I'm being harsh. I know in society people place utmost value on 'mothers' and your relationship with your mother, but if your mother hasn't been there for you, surely people shouldn't respond so badly if you say you want nothing more to do with her?

Blaaah, anyway think I just needed to get it off my chest really. Has anyone else had to explain to people why their parents are not attending their wedding? Any tips?

I'd just say "Oh they couldn't come" No further explanation needed and most people won't give it a second thought . My Mum and Dad didn't approve of my first marriage and didn't attend and that's what I did -and no-one asked any more.

To expand a little -I was also the scapegoat child and my brother the golden child -although my experiences weren't on a par with some here but in my forties I finally confronted my mother over it-and refused to give up when she brushed it aside -and she finally admitted SHE was the scapegoat child in a family of six and her mother had treated her the same way-(she left her home country at 19 and I never met my grandparents although after they died we returned for holidays and she had excellent relationships with all her siblings. She apologized to me that day and said she had never realized that she had done the same to me -and I do believe she was sincere -it was simply learned behaviour. I wish I'd confronted her decades earlier but who knows maybe if I had she wouldn't have been ready to see it <shrug>

The damage was done -I have a clear memory of my father telling me as an adult that he and my mother had always agreed to keep a united front with us children and he had backed her even when he felt she was over-harsh with me-but did NOT do the same when he and my younger brother(the golden child) were in conflict and my brother was really vicious towards him but he could do no wrong. My brother and I stopped contact after my mother died as either she lied to me or he did over something that directly contributed to her death -ten years later I can acknowledge he may have been telling the truth but it's probably too late for us now and deep down I'll never know the truth.

Weirdly I also had on the other side a N-aunt (thankfully childless) she was manipulative and caused so many problems-Her husband was "handy" to put it mildly but her anger and denial the he could do anything wrong petrified all her siblings and nothing was done-All of her neices and her own sister had bad experiences with him -yet we were all told to keep quiet as it would cause "trouble". Looking back the attitude was incredible but I accept in the 50s/60s/70s attitudes were different but I can remember at nine years old not understanding why no-one would protect me from him .
This N-aunt was quite vile about most members of the family but I remember visiting her and she made a disparaging remark about my mother as not been good enough (different religion ) and I took a deep breath and told her if she was going to be rude about my mother I would be leaving-she argued (the N trait never wrong) I simply picked up my coat-and she abruptly changed the subject-said I had misunderstood (yeah right) and never did it again around me. I told my father -who commented on my bravery (they were all terrified of her rages) . I was about 17 at that point. Interestingly her targets were always the women in the family -never the males but they were terrified of her.

It sounds nuts when I look at this written down but I think unless you've lived as a part of the N dynamic it's really hard to understand.

shelley_crow

Kikikickin wrote: »

I'm glad to have found this thread! It's comforting to know other people are going through a similar dilemma. I've wanted to cut my mum out for a while now for similar reasons. I agree completely with the sentiments of the person who gave the first reply to you - there's no law to love someone whose not worthy and if that person doesn't enhance your life, there's no reason to feel a duty towards them.

However, although I felt confident in my decision, it's actually been the responses of other people that has made me feel uncomfortable and like i'm doing something wrong. For example, my MIL (who is obviously looking at it from the perspective of a mother and of someone who has never been through anything like this) cannot understand how someone could 'so easily' cut their own mother out! I find it difficult to speak to her about it, but she understands better after actually having met her but she still thinks I'm harsh. I don't know why I'm so bothered about what she thinks...

And, I'm getting married next year so I'm getting quite anxious about people asking why my mother isn't there! Deep down, I know I don't need her poison in my life, but other people's responses make me feel like I'm being harsh. I know in society people place utmost value on 'mothers' and your relationship with your mother, but if your mother hasn't been there for you, surely people shouldn't respond so badly if you say you want nothing more to do with her?

Blaaah, anyway think I just needed to get it off my chest really. Has anyone else had to explain to people why their parents are not attending their wedding? Any tips?

I've always said that only people who have lived with narcissistic parents know how day to day live can be a living hell. The overwhelming majority of people will never know how emotionally dead these people are but yet there's enough left in them to cause pain, distress, hurt and a whole lifetime of issues for their kids.

My MIL was similar to yours and harboured a desire to get my mother and me back on speaking terms, she couldn'[t understand why someone would not speak to their mother. I had to sit her down and give me 30 minutes to get my point across. I started to tell her the truth of how my childhood and how my narcissistic mother had made my life unbearable. She stopped me after 15 minutes because she couldn't bear to hear any more. She realised that mentally balanced people don;t treat their kids the way my mother treated me and promptly abandoned the idea.

I'm not married yet but everyone knows my opinion on my mother. I've taken to telling new people that she is dead, it's easier to explain then getting into the painful memories of the past.

System

My son got an early GCSE result yesterday . It reminded me of when i took my exams at school at 16.

I'd been in hospital for a number of days and had to have time off school at the crucial time when i should have been studying. I felt sh!te and despite doing my best i really wasnt up to much. I remember my Mother promising me that if i pushed myself through my exams and passed she would reward me with half of an insurance policy that was just maturing.

I did push myself through my exams and passed them all (not because of the money but because i needed the results to get to college). I got decent grades (all but in Maths cause i am useless at Maths and my boyfriend would have to help me with my homework).

I never thought much about it and certainly didnt push it but did i get any monitary reward? Did i heck! Not that i agree with bribing ones child to do well at school even if that child was ill. I dont resent the fact i didnt get any money but i do resent a promise that should never have been made in the first place.

LittleMoog

Kikikickin wrote: »

I'm glad to have found this thread! It's comforting to know other people are going through a similar dilemma. I've wanted to cut my mum out for a while now for similar reasons. I agree completely with the sentiments of the person who gave the first reply to you - there's no law to love someone whose not worthy and if that person doesn't enhance your life, there's no reason to feel a duty towards them.

However, although I felt confident in my decision, it's actually been the responses of other people that has made me feel uncomfortable and like i'm doing something wrong. For example, my MIL (who is obviously looking at it from the perspective of a mother and of someone who has never been through anything like this) cannot understand how someone could 'so easily' cut their own mother out! I find it difficult to speak to her about it, but she understands better after actually having met her but she still thinks I'm harsh. I don't know why I'm so bothered about what she thinks...

And, I'm getting married next year so I'm getting quite anxious about people asking why my mother isn't there! Deep down, I know I don't need her poison in my life, but other people's responses make me feel like I'm being harsh. I know in society people place utmost value on 'mothers' and your relationship with your mother, but if your mother hasn't been there for you, surely people shouldn't respond so badly if you say you want nothing more to do with her?

Blaaah, anyway think I just needed to get it off my chest really. Has anyone else had to explain to people why their parents are not attending their wedding? Any tips?

shelley_crow wrote: »

I've always said that only people who have lived with narcissistic parents know how day to day live can be a living hell. The overwhelming majority of people will never know how emotionally dead these people are but yet there's enough left in them to cause pain, distress, hurt and a whole lifetime of issues for their kids.

My MIL was similar to yours and harboured a desire to get my mother and me back on speaking terms, she couldn'[t understand why someone would not speak to their mother. I had to sit her down and give me 30 minutes to get my point across. I started to tell her the truth of how my childhood and how my narcissistic mother had made my life unbearable. She stopped me after 15 minutes because she couldn't bear to hear any more. She realised that mentally balanced people don;t treat their kids the way my mother treated me and promptly abandoned the idea.

I'm not married yet but everyone knows my opinion on my mother. I've taken to telling new people that she is dead, it's easier to explain then getting into the painful memories of the past.

I've been following this thread for a while, in my case it's my father who's the narcissistic/sociopathic alcoholic, and after my mother died (when I was 16), he completely lost control and made mine and my brother's lives a misery until social services got involved and sent us to live with 2 different sets of aunts and uncles. I've since broken all contact with him. When I got married, I didn't invite him (obviously), but I got a lot of comments from various relatives on my Mum's side (the sort of family who don't discuss ANYTHING) and paternal grandmother about why I'd cut him out and my Uncle gave me away etc. All this was directly to my face, on my wedding day! People really don't seem to understand how terrible things can be if you're a child in that situation, and that there is no forgiving some actions. He's a terrible toxic person and I don't want him in my life.

Luckily my aunt and uncle (dad's brother) who brought me up totally support this, and I now have a new family unit with them. Sadly my Mum's family still don't understand, and after a family party last year (I had to be in the same room as him and couldn't bring myself to be civil), have been ringing my aunt to say "what are we going to do about LM?" :mad: Of course none of them have ever ASKED me why I won't speak to him, they've just listened to his version where he's not at fault for anything......

bobble_hat

Hi Kikikickin

Kikikickin wrote: »

And, I'm getting married next year so I'm getting quite anxious about people asking why my mother isn't there! Deep down, I know I don't need her poison in my life, but other people's responses make me feel like I'm being harsh. I know in society people place utmost value on 'mothers' and your relationship with your mother, but if your mother hasn't been there for you, surely people shouldn't respond so badly if you say you want nothing more to do with her?

Blaaah, anyway think I just needed to get it off my chest really. Has anyone else had to explain to people why their parents are not attending their wedding? Any tips?

I didn't have Mum at my wedding as she behaved so badly at my graduation. She started clearing the garden of weeds, of our student house, which we were due to move out of a few weeks later, just minutes before we needed to leave for the ceremony, making me really agitated and totally panicky, she then stood and laughed until she cried once I had my robes on, in front of everyone. Again before I had to get up in front of the entire cathedral!

She has a photo of the day on display in her house, it is her in my robes clutching my certificate.

No one asked why she was not at the wedding, but fortunately, ours was a small registry do and she was on a holiday she'd already booked when we set the date, so I had an excuse. I invited her knowing she could not make it, so I was a bit devious but that's what happens when you're terrified of incurring the wrath.

HappyHaddock, thanks for not minding me adding to your thread, I feel like something has shifted a bit inside of me after reading through a lot of this yesterday, I was so full of it when Mr B came home last night, he's been fantastic and has also been trying hard to understand why NM is the way she is, and I'm the way I am as it's worrying him. I'm currently going through a bad phase, that's why I'm on here and not doing my job!

Pee

It doesn't make you a bad person. You must choose what is right for you. It does however set your children the precedent that mum didn't visit Gran much so we don't need to visit mum. They may love you and enjoy spending time with you, and you may not want any duty visits, but the chances are they will follow your example and not visit out of duty.

(My Dad fell out with his Dad and was only civil (but very moral and responsible towards him) and you can see parallels with my attitude towards my parents. It could have been worse. He never bad mouthed him and I would never dream of bad mouthing my parents. Sometimes we overrule nuture, but i think mostly it makes us who we are.)