I don't like my mother!

bobble_hat

Ames wrote: »

We weren't sure though if she was being nasty, or just couldn't remember the call because of her drinking. It was about that time that we stopped speaking to her after 7pm because she was so drunk she was just slurring and starting arguments - then denying it all.

I'm so pleased to have seen this thread, not because of the dreadful mother's out there, but because I too have the same guilt and dilemmas. It could have been me writing the above, we can't phone or visit Mum after 7pm because she's so drunk it's just too awkward and she can't remember anything we've said anyway. I had one call where she sounded quite lucid then after 5 minutes of chatting asked me 'sorry who are you?'

We had the whole sibling thing too for years we thought we were the only one getting all the spite from her, but she was just playing us all off against each other, there are 4 of us. I'm really close to my younger sister but we have an older sister who is going the same way as Mum and is neglecting her own children.

I have little contact with her now, the sad thing is, she offered to help me out the other day and she was fantastic, I never ask her for any help, but I'd mentioned a kidney scan that DD needed and I was nervous and she came over, picked us up, took us to hosp, stayed the whole time and had lunch with us too. We had a lovely time, but it's so rare that she's like that.

System

My brother is 4 years younger than me. He was a bit slow at talking, bit slow at everything really. I remember getting up to go to high school and every morning Mom would say to me 'just dont talk to him, dont say anything to set him off'. He was crabby first thing of a morning and the slightest thing would set him off in a tantrum. I soon learned that it was easier if i went to school before he got up. Nothing wrong with that, i just withdrew myself from the situation.

Many years later when i had my own brood i thought about it. If one of my kids got up crabby they got told off for being in such a bad mood and not to inflict their mood on everyone else.

Why was it up to me to not say anything to set my brother off? Just a glance at him would send him running to Mommy that i'd 'looked' at him. He needed to be told off and i shouldnt have to have walked on egg shells or dissappeared to school before he got up.

Why did i always feel second rate compared to my brother? Still do. I was never good enough and the feelings of not being good enough still haunt me to this day.

londonsurrey

Judi wrote: »

Why was it up to me to not say anything to set my brother off? Just a glance at him would send him running to Mommy that i'd 'looked' at him. He needed to be told off and i shouldnt have to have walked on egg shells or dissappeared to school before he got up.

Why did i always feel second rate compared to my brother? Still do. I was never good enough and the feelings of not being good enough still haunt me to this day.

I was reading a book on teaching and child development. When you teach a child to do addition, you do so by giving it praise or a tick mark every time it does it correctly. Apparently, it takes 10,000 tick marks to get a child to an age appropriate standard at age 7.

If you consider how many times your mother would have given you "cross marks" during your interactions with your brother, no wonder the feelings are so hard to shift. You need thousands upon thousands of "tick marks" to counter them!


The stupid thing with my NM is that she was the third child, of three daughters in a row, and then her much awaited younger brother came along just under 2 years later. He was the heir to the family name and money (they owned a lot of agricultural interests).

So not only was she a mere girl, she was the most "insignificant" girl. She complained through my whole childhood (and to this day) about how unjust it was that she wasn't valued as much, how she had to do housework when her brother didn't have to.

All well and good, except...
I was brought up to do housework and a bit of cooking. When my little 14 year old brother came to stay with me (he was 17 years younger), he didn't know how to clean, to cook potatoes, to boil an egg, to peel carrots. He didn't even know how to crack an egg! So what was my mother's excuse?

bobble_hat

RAS wrote: »

With regard to success, I eventually recognised that I repeatedly self-sabotaged by failing exams or just doing enough because I could not cope with it when she took away any shred of feeling I had about myself when I did well. I limited my career as well, because I wanted it for myself not for her.

I took a couple of decades to get over that and I still struggle with success or even basic praise.

And another one I could have written! I made my NM an apron and oven glove for Christmas this year, I hadn't quite finished the oven glove so gave this after Christmas Day but had to bring it downstairs to prove that I was making it and had made the apron as she said 'you didn't make this' and when I showed her the oven glove 'Well, I was sure you were lying and you'd bought it'. :mad:

Then later to my sister, 'I've no idea why she made me an oven glove, it's not as if I need one.' My lovely nephew replied, surely sometimes you have hot meals which need removing from the microwave.' :rotfl: To which she had to reply 'Oh yes, I suppose so'.

I have no self-belief and very little confidence, I cannot accept praise. I've been transferred at work into a different part of the organisation because they are so pleased with my work and want to keep me on the account, but I can't accept that it is because I'm good at my job.

bobble_hat

scottish_lassy wrote: »

I have not read the full thread but the OP certainly struck a chord with me. I finally lost my mother last February and posted on here with How I was feeling. A very helpful person gave me this thread which has helped enormously
http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/characteristics-of-narcissistic-mothers.html

.

Thank you so much for this link, I am sat here in tears. I've just shared this with my sister, she sent 'I've only read a few lines, but I'm reading all about Mum!' I'm lucky though I live in a different town, my poor sister lives in the same street. She came home last week to find Mum had let my nieces friends into her house whilst they were all out, because they were knocking as she passed by!

Now I just need to find out how to cure my own negative self-talk and not being good enough feelings and move on.

Boots888

So sad for the poster, but there comes a time to say it as it is and I admire the OP for sharing there feelings as its obivous many others feel the same way.

It's heart wrenching to go through your life feeling guilty but when you get older and become your own person, or as many a mother in your own right, you finally accept that things were so wrong.

It was different in those days and harder, I think, for Mums as nobody talked about their difficulties.

However, I think whereas before it was kept quiet and people where loyal and consientous (Sp?), now we're seeing those same kids out on the streets, openly expressing their insecurities and taking it out on the rest of the population in a violant, uncontrolable way.

happyhaddock_2

Hi bobblehat it sounds as if you are in the same place I was last year. I also read EVERYTHING on that website and a lot of it I could of written myself, it described our mother perfectly. I hope you keep going on your journey, it's taken me nearly 48 years to get here! Be prepared for some of it be upsetting and unsettling though, it certainly has been for us, but there is no way we can return to how it was before. I love my dear sister too much for that now keep posting if it helps, we can't believe how this thread has grown! x
Thanks boots as well, for a good number of years I did make allowances for mum as dad worked away a lot and she was on her own. It still doesn't excuse the mind control, neglect and nastiness though. It's been a very tough couple of years for me coming to terms with our upbringing and all the memories that keep popping unbidden into my head, but I'm glad to say my sister and I are getting there and definitely stronger.
Thanks for all your kind words x

System

Now I just need to find out how to cure my own negative self-talk and not being good enough feelings and move on.

you and me both!

devildog

happyhaddock-if your mum wants the ashes or policies let her come to you and get them(bet she doesn't do it though!) She just wants you to be at her beck and call.
londonsurrey-all of us had keys to NM's home, the very first thing I did when I went no contact was to send 'my' key to another relative. I didn't want to make a huge 'statement' to NM but equally I knew that if anything was to go missing the finger would be pointed at me!!

happyhaddock_2

Can't see her coming to get them dd but I'll let you know if she does x