I don't like my mother!

devildog

spirit wrote: »

Is anyone from families of more than 2 children and know what happens there? Just asking since I am middle child and scapegoat, younger sister is also scapegoat and elder sister is GC.

Family of three children here, eldest(me) and yongest scapegoats, middle one the Golden Child.

Must confess for years I hated middle sister and used to question whether it was jealousy on my part. Maybe there was a small element of that but it really wasn't the main issue. Since going no contact with NM and middle sis and learning so much more, the hate towards middle sis has diminished as I can now appreciate that many things that happened were down to mother and her active encouragment in what middle sis did . Not that she was blameless but actually I quite pity her now becasue she has never been able to break free.

happyhaddock_2

Ls i am so sorry to hear about your brother, that is so sad. Xx

londonsurrey

happyhaddock wrote: »

Ls i am so sorry to hear about your brother, that is so sad. Xx

Thank you. His name was Patrick, and I am sad about it. Silly things like me looking forward to meeting Mrs Patrick, and all little children I hoped he would produce. I thought that maybe I could borrow them sometimes.

When he stayed with me, he took over the drinks and dishwasher duty. He constantly offered me ice cream floats and teas. And the dishwasher was automatically loaded and emptied. It was like having a little magic critter in the kitchen. Lol. I think he just enjoyed having something he could do, be appreciated, and not be criticised like he was at home.

flowertotmum

Ls..i am so sorry to learn about your little brother..words cannot help..

I am the eldest of 5..then 2 brothers,sister and a another brother..me and my sister are the ones who got it..not just the constant put downs and criticisms but she got violent with us as well..my brothers however are well and truly spoilt...
It has been a trying time for my family for the last 5 months..my eldest daughter lost her baby..i lost my baby and almost died from bloodloss..yet all she said was "its for the best"..i really can't believe she said that..my lovely hubby just threw her out the house..and thats it no contact what so ever..my eldest dd has now seen her for how she truly is...an evil,vindictive b*tch...
My MIL on the other hand is amazing..i truly believe she is my gift.
Of course my "mother" has gone around telling anyone that will listen that i am depressed and let myself go...hopefully anyone that knows me will know that i am sad and grieving but i am alive and thats the thing that keeps me going...at least i know who my true friends are..as for my brothers not one of them got in touch to see if i was ok...and then they wonder why i won't talk to them..
sorry just ranting got to let it out..
ftm

Scape_Goat

Londonsurrey, I am so so sorry to hear about your dear brother and thank you so much for all your advice. Devildog, thank you for all yours as well, it has all really made me think hard. My daughter went to see my mum today and everything was fine, she rang me whilst there and I did say is nannie ok. When she had left, my daughter rang me and said when she was going my mum burst into tears, she then got upset herself, saying that she's on her own and it's horrible to think it. Straight away I felt really sad and thought I'll ring her to make friends, knowing fine well if I did, straight away she would be funny with me and it would end up with me apologising to her. Luckily I did refrain as deep down I knew I was only doing it to stop my daughter being upset. My partner said I shouldn't ring and I was even saying to him about how I felt sorry for her being on her own. Then he reminded the amount of times she's not wanted to have anything to do with me and has even not spoke to me for 2 years at a time in the past. Always though when I have had a boyfriend she hasn't agreed with, which has been every one of them! I know my sister is furious about the letter she sent her, but I've not received one and the only reason is because she'll think that I'll end up running back like i've done in the past. Really though it's absolutely disgraceful that she hasn't tried to contact either of us to try and find out what's wrong. Every day I'm wanting to ring and confront her, but as a lot of you say, she'll never admit the truth. I do actually think though that for the fact that my dear sister is 47 and I'm 41, it's about time we had some answers, so we can get on with our lives. Sorry it's a long one again!

Tygermoth

Sorry Scape goat/Happy – don’t bother. If as your post above states you want answers. You will NEVER get them. You will get justification, semantics and lies. That’s all.

While you have started talking to her asking the questions you want resolutions to she will be working on you. She will be taking the opportunity to draw you back into the drama, the turmoil and games beacause she knows you want/need answers she will make you dance to her tune. Needing anything from a NM gives them power. So look to YOURSELF to gain what you need... because putting your happyness or need for a outcome in the hands of a NM only leads to her happyness not yours. each time you look to NM for anything the only person who wins is her.

Then six months/year down the line you suddenly realise you are back in the middle of things and you still never got the answer to your questions.

Have you noticed that a massive proportion of daughters of NM go full no contact?

The reason why we do, after struggling with the above, is that we realised that you can’t win. If there was a way don’t you think we utilise it? But you cant talk to NM and gain a resolution, you just cant.

Please heed this, it’s very important:

Any form of Communication to a NM is their weapon. Simply put they can’t manipulate, guilt, accuse or gossip to get you to the outcome she wants if you are not communicating on some level. Be it snide letters, gossip via family members or guilt/accusatory telephone calls.

THIS is why no contact, for most, is the main answer to dealing with a NM because you are disarming them.

My brother and I are now at a low contact stage with our NM, but this is after years of no contact and setting down strict rules (for myself) what I do when the conversation moves out of areas I am happy to deal with.

happyhaddock_2

Thanks tygermoth and everyone else who has posted. I agree with everything you say TM I have had enough of her games and control now it has gone on quite long enough. If I had known what impact and response my letter to her would have ie. NONE! then I would of sent it years ago whilst dad was still here.

I still cannot believe mum can just throw away our relationship rather than try to find out what the underlying problems are. I suppose that is the difference between us, I will do anything for my kids and would be devastated if one of them stopped contact with me. I feel that she has used me all my life and now I am of no further use to her, because I have dared to question her, she has thrown me away!

Mojisola

happyhaddock wrote: »

I feel that she has used me all my life and now I am of no further use to her, because I have dared to question her, she has thrown me away!

You've got it dead right there.

londonsurrey

happyhaddock wrote: »

I feel that she has used me all my life and now I am of no further use to her, because I have dared to question her, she has thrown me away!

That is exactly right. If you look at it again, she's got you and your sister going for all the tiny subtle crumbs she deigns to brush off the table to you. That's all you want from her, that's all you were programmed to expect, getting that tiny thing was the goal she's got you both striving for.

Look at my example. I rented a larger flat so that she and my little brother could live with me and my husband after her second divorce. I caught the 4:50am bus for work five to six days a week, sometimes worked Sundays too, coming back between 7pm to 11pm. My husband and I paid for all the bills, except a portion of the groceries. We'd buy her additional things sometimes, and money when she wanted it.

But she harangued me for not helping enough around the flat, then harangued me for working too hard(go figure). Then kept calling me at work, causing arguments, until my very understanding boss (quite frankly, he valued me because I worked my socks off, and he knew a good thing when he was onto one, lol) told me that enough was enough, and not to take calls from my mother. At this point, my mother told me that unless I answered her calls, I'd go home to find my things chucked outside the flat. I PAY FOR THAT FLAT! NOT HER!

So anyhow, my husband and I left. The funny thing is that I was so brainwashed, I would have carried on giving her thousands of pounds for the rest of my life. All I wanted was for her not to have a go at me. I was even happy to not expect praise.

Even my addled mind began to compute I kept on giving her money, only to be told that I was selfish, bad, messy (any stupid criticism she could lay her hands on), was not really a transaction that worked. Giving money = criticism. Talking to her = nastiness. Doing something for her = criticism. Getting a letter from her = nastiness. Hearing someone with a "message" from her = criticism.

It's really odd, you can break out of it, or you can stay in that cycle, where the nastier she is, the harder you try to just get her to stop being nasty, you're not even going for praise.

spirit

Tygermoth wrote: »

Sorry Scape goat/Happy – don’t bother. If as your post above states you want answers. You will NEVER get them. You will get justification, semantics and lies. That’s all.

.

^^ this :T