I don't like my mother!

happyhaddock_2

Thanks for your reply meditaten. I know everything you say is right and I find it much easier to think that way, than my sister, who still feels guilty.

My niece has rung mum a couple of times and mum has cried each time! Mum says its because it's two years since my dad went into hospital, although she did get the date wrong!.
This brings me to my next question that I hope to get some advice on. Following the charming note from my mum asking for the return of her ins policies and dads ashes I still haven't contacted her to arrange collection or sent them back. It's dad anniversary on the 26/4 so not much time left, but I don't want to contact her. I was thinking of just posting them all in a big box, but are you allowed to do this?. My sister says not to bother sending them and just see what happens, but I really don't know what to do? X

POPPYOSCAR

happyhaddock wrote: »

Thanks for your reply meditaten. I know everything you say is right and I find it much easier to think that way, than my sister, who still feels guilty.

My niece has rung mum a couple of times and mum has cried each time! Mum says its because it's two years since my dad went into hospital, although she did get the date wrong!.
This brings me to my next question that I hope to get some advice on. Following the charming note from my mum asking for the return of her ins policies and dads ashes I still haven't contacted her to arrange collection or sent them back. It's dad anniversary on the 26/4 so not much time left, but I don't want to contact her. I was thinking of just posting them all in a big box, but are you allowed to do this?. My sister says not to bother sending them and just see what happens, but I really don't know what to do? X

If it were me, I would do nothing.

What would happen if anything went missing in the post?

Why should you be the one to send them to her, if she wants them let her sort out collection from you.

happyhaddock_2

Thanks poppy, I am inclined to feel that way. I think it may be one last attempt to 'call the shots'. She's only ever mentioned dads ashes once before, when I stood up to her last November. It seems that she only ever wants them back when it suits her and it's something she can make a point over. Previously she said she couldn't bear to have them in the house and was grateful I would

Mad-Frog

I don't have anything constructive to add but I just wanted to say this thread touched me when I read it last year and it has touched me now

I think you are all very very brave to have seen how the NM works and to get away and bring your children up differently

You should all be so very proud of yourselves, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart

happyhaddock_2

Thank you so much mad frog (brill name by the way) that is so kind of you. What gives us both strength is that even though this thread is much bigger than we could ever of expected it to be, with thousands of views! Not one person has said that we are in the wrong or are being too harsh on mum. It has helped us to deal with the guilt we both feel x

londonsurrey

Hello HappyHaddock,

I agree with the consensus that you should make her take responsibility for anything she wants, as we know that anything you do will be used as a weapon against you.

This reminds me of the time when a personality like this (Person A) demanded stuff back that she had formerly pressed onto someone else. She was now adamant that she got them back.

The person (Person with the things could see the danger, that the tatty items could arrive intact, but Person A would insist that stuff had been damaged, missing, etc. So we took the seemingly OTT measure of getting three respected independent people together, to film the contents, the packing of the parcel and sending it off by Special Delivery, which is recorded and tracked post.

This might seem mad, but the key was to let Person A that all this was being done, and there was no wiggle room for any mad accusations.
And you know what? It worked! Not a peep from Person A on this matter again, when in the past, there was always some allegation of yet something else being done wrong to her or her stuff.


So in your case, I'd suggest that your mother send a courier herself to collect from you, and you film the packing of the parcel and the handing it over to the courier.

And most importantly, strongly suggest to your niece to not arrange the courier or suggest a courier. Any part she plays in this could be used against you if the tiniest thing goes wrong or is alleged to go wrong. It should be your niece that is blamed, but you know your mother will now treat your niece as the Golden Child, so cannot be blamed.

The key is to make your mother do the doing.

happyhaddock_2

Thanks LS I'd like to think that mum wouldn't take things to such extremes but then seeing as how little I really know her who's to say? It's such a shame that you had to go to those lengths yourself.
I think I'm just going to hang fire and see what happens, I can post the policies anytime its the ashes thats the problem. She's never shown any inclination to have them back before though so I suspect that it's just another show of power from her x

Mojisola

happyhaddock wrote: »

Thanks LS I'd like to think that mum wouldn't take things to such extremes but then seeing as how little I really know her who's to say? It's such a shame that you had to go to those lengths yourself.
I think I'm just going to hang fire and see what happens, I can post the policies anytime its the ashes thats the problem. She's never shown any inclination to have them back before though so I suspect that it's just another show of power from her x

If you want to keep the ashes and are sure that she only wants them as a power play with you, I would fill the urn with ashes from the fire and keep the real ones.

londonsurrey

happyhaddock wrote: »

She's never shown any inclination to have them back before though so I suspect that it's just another show of power from her x

That's undoubtedly the case. It's strange how various things become suddenly urgent, and how what they all have in common is that she's hard done by, and other people are nasty to her, and to fix it, people have to dance to her tune.

And yet the smallest things that other people want are so hard to get from her.

happyhaddock_2

londonsurrey wrote: »

That's undoubtedly the case. It's strange how various things become suddenly urgent, and how what they all have in common is that she's hard done by, and other people are nasty to her, and to fix it, people have to dance to her tune.

And yet the smallest things that other people want are so hard to get from her.

Do you know her LS that has been the case so many times about so many different things!.

And no I have no wish to keep them here after what my sister told me, I just don't want to have to 'jump' because mum says to x