I don't like my mother!

bobble_hat

happyhaddock wrote: »

Shelley how sad for your Dad, did he lose all contact with his parents?. Our Dad worked abroad for long spells (I wonder why!) so unfortunately mum was the major influence in our lives. But even when home Dad just wanted an easy life and just went along with things.

Know exactly what you mean about the money as well, nothing EVER comes without strings attached and she never forgets or let's you forget that she's helped you out. If you offer to repay her though it's always "oh there's no rush, just give it me when you can" then she goes moaning about you behind your back, that you owe her money. If you do repay it she no longer has a 'hold' over you!.

After reading other peoples stories and experiences there are so many similarities!. How do all the narcissist's behave the same way?

Mum's never had any close friends, just acquaintances, neighbours etc, say's it all really. She's never really had a good word to say about anyone.

So many bells ringing! Mum has one friend from old, but hardly has any contact and upset her recently too on the death of her dear sister's husband. So they weren't speaking for a while, I write to her occasionally, she's lovely and I remember her fondly from childhood. NM does not keep in touch with family, it's all their fault too. But I write to my Aunt and Great Aunt, just to keep family ties, NM has no interest.

londonsurrey

Pee wrote: »

They may love you and enjoy spending time with you, and you may not want any duty visits, but the chances are they will follow your example and not visit out of duty.

That would work very well for me. I'd want people to visit because they wanted to, not because of blind adherence to a rule out of fear of what "the neighbours will think". Visits like that a meaningless, and worse than no visits at all - they'd be false smiles, and the visitors counting down the minutes to when they could leave.

POPPYOSCAR

londonsurrey wrote: »

That would work very well for me. I'd want people to visit because they wanted to, not because of blind adherence to a rule out of fear of what "the neighbours will think". Visits like that a meaningless, and worse than no visits at all - they'd be false smiles, and the visitors counting down the minutes to when they could leave.

:T

Oh I so agree!!

duchy

Pee wrote: »

It doesn't make you a bad person. You must choose what is right for you. It does however set your children the precedent that mum didn't visit Gran much so we don't need to visit mum. They may love you and enjoy spending time with you, and you may not want any duty visits, but the chances are they will follow your example and not visit out of duty.

.)

What absolute nonsense
My grandparents were all dead before I was 6 months old (so I had no example to follow or not ) -Like every other normal person I chose to visit my family once I had left home based on wanting to not duty. Your theory is flawed on so many levels it's ridiculous.

shelley_crow

Pee wrote: »

It doesn't make you a bad person. You must choose what is right for you. It does however set your children the precedent that mum didn't visit Gran much so we don't need to visit mum. They may love you and enjoy spending time with you, and you may not want any duty visits, but the chances are they will follow your example and not visit out of duty.QUOTE]

I should hope that it would set a precedent! Mainly that adhering to social conventions regarding family is no reason to endure mental or physical abuse, either as a child living at home or as an independent adult. By your logic then I should also be using the precendent my parents set of how to treat children to raise my own, or mistreat them I should say. If that was the case then I wouldn't expect any duty visits in my dotage from my children either!

POPPYOSCAR

Pee wrote: »

It doesn't make you a bad person. You must choose what is right for you. It does however set your children the precedent that mum didn't visit Gran much so we don't need to visit mum. They may love you and enjoy spending time with you, and you may not want any duty visits, but the chances are they will follow your example and not visit out of duty.

(My Dad fell out with his Dad and was only civil (but very moral and responsible towards him) and you can see parallels with my attitude towards my parents. It could have been worse. He never bad mouthed him and I would never dream of bad mouthing my parents. Sometimes we overrule nuture, but i think mostly it makes us who we are.)

Sorry but your post does not make sense to me.If your children love you and enjoy spending time with you why would they visit you 'out of duty' in the first place. They would visit you because they enjoyed spending time with you!!

What you describe is how mothers like these operate. Carry on like normal, everything rosy to the outside world, when everything is far from it, and not have a bad word said against them?

This is so wrong and in many instances why the behaviour continues as it does and so many suffer(Usually in silence) as a consequence.

Bambam

Nope, don't like my mother either. Being laughed at; being told no-one would ever want me; never calls me but gets grumpy when I don't call/visit her; one put down after another and yet she relies on me more than my other siblings and like the dutiful daughter (or fool!) I'm there at her bidding; taking her and my dad on holidays with us. If she feels I've let her down she wants nothing to do with me, yet my brother, who sees her 3 or 4 times a year and lives no more than 20 miles away, is the golden child and my sisters only need to call her and they're wonderful.

I tolerate my mother because she is my mother. But love her? No!

Kikikickin

Thanks for the kind words, and sorry to hijack the post happyhaddock. I think you started a really important thread.

I guess I never really thought of just telling people she can't make it. I'll have to try that one. I guess I'm more worried about people asking me before hand, people who might know that I don't really get on with my mother, like my MIL, but who have this expectation that people just put these things aside for occasions such as weddings.

shelley_crow - thanks I may have to steal your idea and sit my MIL down to explain it to her. I will find it difficult, but I do think it will help her see how hard it is for me to be around my mother. I'm not sure she'll ever let go of the idea that the mother-child relationship is the most sacred thing ever.

Mothers, eh? who'd have em!

happyhaddock_2

So many new posts, thank you all for sharing and posting, with all the support and advice I don't think it can be just 'my' thread anymore

Kikikickin, my mother never came to our 25th wedding anniversary last year. I was dreading telling her about the party as it was a present from oh's family and I knew she would be funny about it. True to form she sulked, although she couldn't say anything, how could she moan without looking mean? She didn't come to the party and no one really asked where she was, although it must of looked odd, but she seethed for days!. You do what you want to its your big day and it should be EXACTLY how you want it x.
Just one other thing pee. My children all know about my relationship with my mother as I am quite open about it with them. I ve told them that I do not expect them to spend time with me out of duty when I am older, but because they want to. I on the other hand do not intend to be sat at home waiting for them to call, like my mother, but am going to cram my days full of things that I want to do!
To everyone who has posted I hope you are able to resolve things so that you are happy, we have all spent too long living in the shadows xx

Scape_Goat

Thank you again for all your lovely messages and advise. It's my dads 2 year anniversary on Thursday and I really dont know what to do? I do think for my own piece of mind i will ring and see if she wants me to go and see her, although I have got a plumber coming to the house between 12pm to 5pm and under normal circumstances, if that was the case. she would be fuming as to how I could be so inconsiderate as to arrange it for that particular day. If i do ring I'm actually hoping that she will be funny with me, so I wont need to feel guilty, but then again I'm panicking that she will be all emotional and start crying, then the situation will go back to normal. I really don't know what to do? One thing that I do want to write about though, is one day I was on the computer and a thing came up about green eyes being quite rare, I said it to her and she said to me in a put me down tone, YOU haven't got green eyes!!! My eyes are bright green! How could a mother not know what colour eyes her daughter has got! My daughter has been round a couple of times this week, but i do have the feeling, that she can't be bothered going, I do feel guilty though, that she has had the responsibilty put onto her and as a 20 year old, i know she doesn't want or deserve it. I know my dear sister is fuming about the letter that she received and how disgraceful that your own mother could send it and not want to have any further contact. It would be interesting to see what other people think about, as to why I didn't get one? Do you think it's because she knows I'm soft and have always gone running back in the past? Any advise would yet again be gratefully received.