I don't like my mother!

londonsurrey

spirit wrote: »

i agree with your whole post LD but this bit particularly would be funny if it were not so tragic. My NM when I stopped talking to her would speak to anyone - her 5 minute friends* at her club, Dr and whoever else. She'd say to them that didn't they agree that she was a nice person and would never do or say anything bad.

*5 minute friends are the people she 'makes friends' with, then she finds that they are 'too nosey' so she drops them like hot cakes.

Lol. I suspect that the "too nosey" bit is when her cover story doesn't bear up to any scrutiny.

happyhaddock_2

Totally agree with you LS, what good posts.

Squirrel so sorry you were brought up like that, it's good to know you're in a much better place now though, and can see that it was your mum who put all the doubts and anxiety in your head.

My own mother would rather die than admit any wrong doing. In fact now that I have brought things to a head with her she is quite happy to accept 'no contact' with me rather than try and resolve any issues. It's easier her for her to pretend it never happened. She has made my sister mentally ill by denying that these things happened in the past, saying that it was "all in her head".

spirit

happyhaddock wrote: »

Totally agree with you LS, what good posts.

Squirrel so sorry you were brought up like that, it's good to know you're in a much better place now though, and can see that it was your mum who put all the doubts and anxiety in your head.

My own mother would rather die than admit any wrong doing. In fact now that I have brought things to a head with her she is quite happy to accept 'no contact' with me rather than try and resolve any issues. It's easier her for her to pretend it never happened. She has made my sister mentally I'll by denying that these things happened in the past, saying that it was "all in her head".

Yes mine too. SMS (selective memory syndrome)

squirrelchops

Having read all about NM's I don't know if I feel relieved or actually unexpecedly sad. Could do with a quick session with the therapist!!!

devildog

squirrelchops- As with most of the posts again I can relate to your experiences. I was told it was all in my head. My boyfirend of the time could see what was happening, infact he even married me to get me away from the situation (lol) not that the marriage lasted!
I got totally used to accepting I was useless and unworthy-when I was going out with my (2nd)husband we went out for the day and got drenched in rain and her comment was 'well if he hasn't seen you without makeup before, he has now' and when I gave birth to my first child she announced to the whole ward that ' I didn't have a maternal bone in my body'. There are so many examples that I could give but the put downs were endless. Then when I used to try and raise remembered issues with her(like when she sold some of my items) she claimed not to remember.

I think you cry first, then laugh, cry some more and in time you do actually get to the stage where you can talk about it without feeling anything. Never thought I would get to that stage but I have

happyhaddock_2

[QUOTE=devildog;52694105

I think you cry first, then laugh, cry some more and in time you do actually get to the stage where you can talk about it without feeling anything. Never thought I would get to that stage but I have [/QUOTE]

this is so true dd. I also felt sad for what could of been, especially once I had children of my own. I couldn't understand why someone could be like that

meritaten

happy, you asked if my OH recognises that his mother was a NM. No, he doesnt - or if he does he has never said so.

he suffered really severe depression after she died - and on recovering from that emerged rather changed. whether that was because he wasnt constantly at her beck and call and trying to please her - I dont really know. I have said that he displays some of HER behaviours - but I am convinced that they are LEARNED behaviours. he treats all our kids equally, he is basically kind and DOESNT think the world revolves around him! he can be a right '!!!!!' with me - and I wonder sometimes if he is somehow associating me with his mum and punishing her through me - something he would not have dared to do.

anyway - Narcissism is NOT a state of mind - its a very real syndrome which is -in a way- NOT the fault of the person. any more than Autism or Schizophrenia. it also doesnt go away or 'heal'. they cannot be medicated or counselled 'out of it'. you either deal with it or you avoid it. if its affecting your own mental health then avoid it like the plague - because the NM will immediately seize on it to torment you. and blithely announce to anyone who will listen that 'poor dear - she has mental problems you know' while professing deep sympathy!
It takes a certain amount of detachment to deal with Narcissists and some cunning too - most people are simply too close or too nice to deal with them effectively.
I had my MILs measure - but it didnt stop her 'little revenges' on me. the only thing I could do was damage limitation and NOT let her see me hurting!
I cried at her funeral - and they were tears of relief tbh. I felt sorry for the pain she went through (cancer) but in all honesty I couldnt help feeling that she suffered physical pain as payback for the mental pain she put her family through.
Its quite cathartic posting on this thread - since I lost my lovely SIL two years ago - there is no-one who really understands what the family dynamics were, and no-one to discuss things with like I could with SIL.

bobble_hat

Had a classic this week. A couple of weeks ago I told my NM that I was having a miscarriage. The only reply I got was 'Oh are you pregnant?'

"Well not now" I replied and that was that.

This week she was laying flowers on the grave of a child she had read about who died in 1897!!

happyhaddock_2

Meri how sad for your OH. It sounds like they were always striving for love and approval and having failed to get it it had a profound effect on them. Glad it helps posting, I know it's definitely helped us, especially as we've not been criticised or condemned for feeling as we do.

I suppose I'm lucky that I've seen mum's true colours before its too late. I still have no regrets at the moment about choosing to drop contact with her.

Bobblehat, I'm so sorry for your loss, your mums reaction is just typical and then to rub salt in the wounds by going to an unknown child's grave! Words fail me. I remember when I told my mum I was expecting my third child, her first words were "oh dear" as if it was unwanted

londonsurrey

I have gone no contact. Formally so, as I've taken her to court.

When she recently appeared at my house, blithely ignoring her undertaking to the court never to contact me again, I filmed her for evidence.

What was interesting was to watch that film - all those years I'd blindly wasted on chasing her tantalising promise of motherly love, and now that I got to see the film, it was of this miserable woman with a permanently downturned mouth, blankly demanding the things she wanted, casting the same old promises that she never kept in the previous 40 years, wondering why I wasn't jumping at the lures as I had before. It was strange, finally being more detached from her, seeing what an unpalatable specimen she was, and how I'd been willing to give her everything, wasting years on being abused by her. I'd lovingly and blindly given all this power to this "thing".

On the basis of legal advice, my one response, repeated a few times was "You have given an undertaking to the court never to contact me again. Leave me alone".
The most telling bit about the video was how it effortlessly and without a blink, she just dismissed her promise to the court, muttering "You take me to court, and I'll crush you".

AND THEN, straight after that, she reverted to her loving mother role!

I can't believe I'd been falling for it all these years! Lol