I don't like my mother!

missprice

truly amazing londonsurrey

and wow is your mother darned clever (not)
to be caught on camera like that.

I am pleased that you have seen the light
but I am curious as to why you felt the need to go to court, I have read this whole thread and don't remember if you already said why. of course its none of my business and please please don't feel you have to say.

as before my mother is in fact now deceased and I am not bothered by that, she died a looooong time ago and well before that to me. she was a wicked woman and a nasty piece of work and I reckon I am only sane because I had less of her (left home at 15 and had virtually no contact after that) and would not put up with her shenanigans before that.

from around the age of 10ish after I told her what her husband was doing to me and she refused to believe me and then made it out to be my fault (cos under 5s have a habit of turning on their stepfather of course)
from that day I would barely talk to her and she would not feed me so I starved for another 5ish years until I could reasonably leave home and not be brought back by the police. I left and had 3 more contacts with her and for the 4th contact she did not turn up and I thought stuff it, I don't need the drama
I called a few times then she changed her number and I could not be bothered to find out what her new number was. A few years later I was told she had died and I was not too bothered as even before that I had been telling people she had died rather than explain that she was a nasty manipulative !!!!! who did not give a jot about me unless it helped with her standing in the community.

for an encore I had reason to look at my medical records recently and found that she had only taken me to the drs once for chicken pox and never for the constant chest infections I had when I was a kid or for anything else. this actually impacts now as I still have chest infections and the like but my dr has never believed that I am just prone to them as they were never listed on my notes obviously.

I have food issues from starving for 4 or 5 years. I have trust issues. I have all sorts of issues stemming from that time. and I only had to put up with her for 15 years,
some of the posters on this thread have had much longer so bless you all and I really hope it works out for you all:A

londonsurrey

missprice wrote: »

I am pleased that you have seen the light
but I am curious as to why you felt the need to go to court, I have read this whole thread and don't remember if you already said why. of course its none of my business and please please don't feel you have to say.

I don't mind telling you. I'd spent years doing the ignoring thing, getting bombarded by letters telling me how useless I was and about the end of the world and how I had to obey and go to church or I'd be doomed, the list was endless, the game was continuous obedience.

What brought it to a head was just after the very sudden and violent death of my husband, when I was quite naturally very traumatised and grieving.

My mother's response was to turn up at my house on some other pretext, go knocking on a gossipy neighbour's door whereupon she was told of my husband's death, and she immediately started chucking holy water at my house, chanting. I have that on CCTV.

She then put a letter through my letterbox, telling me that unless I let her "help" me sell my house (she named a price that was 60% the market value), I would be the next to die.

Even at this time, her instant response was to harass me and to use it to make a quick buck (ok, tens of thousands of bucks) for herself. Bear in mind that she never saw the need to "help" me save a deposit for the house or to buy it.

My very good friend saw that I'd reached the end of my tether, and helped me take it to Family Court. It was near my birthday, and I actually still thank her for giving me one top three best birthday presents ever.

It may sound odd, but is not really odd if you consider that my mother, in true NM style, had never actually considered what I wanted, and gave me what she thought I was worth (and we know how much she thinks I'm worth!).

londonsurrey

missprice wrote: »

A few years later I was told she had died and I was not too bothered as even before that I had been telling people she had died rather than explain that she was a nasty manipulative !!!!! who did not give a jot about me unless it helped with her standing in the community.
.
.
.
I have all sorts of issues stemming from that time. and I only had to put up with her for 15 years,
some of the posters on this thread have had much longer so bless you all and I really hope it works out for you all:A

Funny that, my friend who had an abusive (not NM) mother (e.g. broke her fingers as punishment) was orphaned at 13, and has had a lifetime of people doing the "Oh, so sorry" thing when they find out, and she spent years feeling slight guilty at thinking "Don't be sorry, I had a lucky escape!". Lol.

spirit

londonsurrey wrote: »

I have gone no contact. Formally so, as I've taken her to court.

When she recently appeared at my house, blithely ignoring her undertaking to the court never to contact me again, I filmed her for evidence.

What was interesting was to watch that film - all those years I'd blindly wasted on chasing her tantalising promise of motherly love, and now that I got to see the film, it was of this miserable woman with a permanently downturned mouth, blankly demanding the things she wanted, casting the same old promises that she never kept in the previous 40 years, wondering why I wasn't jumping at the lures as I had before. It was strange, finally being more detached from her, seeing what an unpalatable specimen she was, and how I'd been willing to give her everything, wasting years on being abused by her. I'd lovingly and blindly given all this power to this "thing".

On the basis of legal advice, my one response, repeated a few times was "You have given an undertaking to the court never to contact me again. Leave me alone".
The most telling bit about the video was how it effortlessly and without a blink, she just dismissed her promise to the court, muttering "You take me to court, and I'll crush you".

AND THEN, straight after that, she reverted to her loving mother role!

I can't believe I'd been falling for it all these years! Lol

you have so much respect from me LS you wouldn't believe. Some people think that we (daughters of NMs) should love our mothers no matter what.

londonsurrey

spirit wrote: »

you have so much respect from me LS you wouldn't believe. Some people think that we (daughters of NMs) should love our mothers no matter what.

Thank you, Spirit. I feel such a tiredness when I encounter these sanctimonious individuals, with their nicely comfortable lives.

I call them the "Buuuut, it's your muh-thah!" brigade.

What they refuse to consider is that while they're busily defending the sanctity of motherhood against what they view as an ungrateful brat of a child, what they're doing is actually aiding someone who has coldbloodedly betrayed their child over and over again, using the disguising mantle of motherhood.

The sanctimonious "Muh-thah" brigade can be very damaging, because even when the child finally manages to untangle things enough to take a breather, to consider the possibility of escape, these "Muh-thah" supporters push the child back, reinforcing the belief that there is nowhere to run, that even if the child escapes, society at large will make sure there is no place for it, except back as the helpless victim of the NM.

Thank you "Muh-thah" supporters.

missprice

londonsurrey wrote: »

Thank you, Spirit. I feel such a tiredness when I encounter these sanctimonious individuals, with their nicely comfortable lives.

I call them the "Buuuut, it's your muh-thah!" brigade.

What they refuse to consider is that while they're busily defending the sanctity of motherhood against what they view as an ungrateful brat of a child, what they're doing is actually aiding someone who has coldbloodedly betrayed their child over and over again, using the disguising mantle of motherhood.

The sanctimonious "Muh-thah" brigade can be very damaging, because even when the child finally manages to untangle things enough to take a breather, to consider the possibility of escape, these "Muh-thah" supporters push the child back, reinforcing the belief that there is nowhere to run, that even if the child escapes, society at large will make sure there is no place for it, except back as the helpless victim of the NM.

Thank you "Muh-thah" supporters.

have you done some serious psychology?

yes its true I still meet those that would not hear a bad word about anyones mother let alone mine.
To this day I am very cool with my uncle who helped me get away but then a few months later said she missed me and wanted to talk to me and I SHOULD go.
I told him to go to he!! and he just would not drop it until I told him an awful lot of what went on (far more than I wanted to) and I still don't
think he believes me more than 3 decades later because 'mothers just don't do that'

londonsurrey

missprice wrote: »

have you done some serious psychology?

No, but like you, I've just lived the serious psychology

happyhaddock_2

Oh my I can't believe some of the posts on here, it's so sad. I think unless you experience it first hand it's so hard to get other people to accept it happens. Especially when the NM's can put on such a good face and be sooo nice to everyone else, appearance is everything.

anastasia666

I've been reading this thread with interest for some time now. My grandmother is, I believe, a narcisist. She has controlled and manipulated my mother her entire life, to the point where my mother is completely dependant on her and cannot go out anywhere without her. She suffers anxiety and panic attacks if she goes out.

We all lived together when I was a child, and she also controlled me. I suffered a lot of emotional abuse from her, and my mother just let it happen. All my grandmother and my own mother care about are themselves and how things affect them and how they lok to the outside world (e.g. they tried to stop me going to university as they didn't want me to leave or have any life that didn't revolve around them).

I won't go into all the details as I've tried to block so much of it out. I rarely have contact with them anymore. If I do it's a quick phonecall and I don't take the nonsense from them anymore.

My mother has been very disturbed most of my life. A good example would be that she used to tell me a lot that she wished she would go to bed and not wake up. I was around 8 when she first started saying this to me.

For my grandmother, nothing I did was ever good enough, everyone else was better. I was allowed no friends and no life outside of school. I was allowed to do nothing while at home, without having to beg first. I wasn't even allowed to get a glass of water when I was thirsty. I had to wait until she wanted a drink and then she would make one. She tried her best to make me completely dependant on her. There are so many things I could write about, but I don't want to think about them all anymore as this has dominated so much of my life (I'm 33).

Luckily I met my husband when I was 18, and he helped give me the strength to stand up to them and go to university. I now have a good job, my own house and I've come a long way with my confidence issues. I have a very long way to go though. I still have low self esteem and I still feel ugly and never good enough. I am getting over it a little, and certainly I have a lot more confidence in myself in relation to my job. What I really need to work on now is liking myself.

I remember the night before my wedding (which I paid for with my savings and organised completely myself, with a little help from hubby). They came up and stayed at the place where I was getting married and I stayed in a room with my mum. My grandmother saw the seating plan and hit the roof as they were nt sat next to me (we had a U shape for the tables, with me, hubby his best man and girlfriend and my best friend and bridesmaid all sat in the middle part, and then parent were at the sides and then other friends.) She had me in tears, which she really loved and then she started saying she loved me and all that nonsense. She;d done nothing but criticise all my decisions about the wedding in the run up to it anyway (those that I told her about). In fact, I rang them to tell them we were getting married and my mother said "why" and my grandmother said "well we've got no money to give you to pay for that". I didn't want anything from them at all. That really upset me, on a day when I had been so happy.

She won't admit any of the things that she did to me, and seems to have selective memory. My mother will never change either. She expects that she will live with me when my grandmother dies, despite having been told that won't happen. I'm expected to give up my life for someone who couldn't even be bothered to protect me when I was a child. lol And it wasn't just my mother. My grandfather who I idolised as a child sat back and let it all happen.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I have great sympathy for everyone else that has suffered at the hands of these sorts of people. It's scarred me emotionally and I doubt I will ever feel normal or ever really like myself. But letting go of them and getting on with my life has made a huge difference to me. I hope that perhaps one day I might like myself a little.

happyhaddock_2

Big hugs anastasia, your experiences mirror so many. Its truly awful what some mothers put their children through, mental cruelty can be just as bad as physical xx