I don't like my mother!

londonsurrey

happyhaddock wrote: »

Well sis is in meltdown:( she can't believe mums reaction to what she told her. Any 'normal' person would of been devastated to learn that their daughter had been abused, even more so if they were unaware of the fact as she maintains. Mums reaction has been 'its all in your imagination"!

Mums treating sis the same as ever now, accusing her of playing games when she says she's going round then doesn't, only being bothered about her needs. My poor sister just can't deal with it and is cracking up

I'm going to see her today and we are going to contact NAPAC who run a helpline for abused adults as I am way out of my depth. Sis is also seeing her CPN today as well so hopefully she will be able to help.

We certainly weren't expecting much from mum but her lack of compassion is astounding. I'll let you know what happens if that's ok x

I'm really sorry to hear about your sister, HappyHaddock.

I think the point about a NM is that you can't expect "at least this one little thing/compassion/etc". It would be like looking at a murdering psychopath and saying "Oh, but it was only a little bunny rabbit, why couldn't you leave that alone?".
You'd just get this blank response from the psychopath (if you were lucky, and they didn't decide to take this moment to launch at you while you were going on about the rabbit, which is as irrelevant to them as a fly)

Molly41

happyhaddock wrote: »

Well sis is in meltdown:( she can't believe mums reaction to what she told her. Any 'normal' person would of been devastated to learn that their daughter had been abused, even more so if they were unaware of the fact as she maintains. Mums reaction has been 'its all in your imagination"!

Mums treating sis the same as ever now, accusing her of playing games when she says she's going round then doesn't, only being bothered about her needs. My poor sister just can't deal with it and is cracking up

I'm going to see her today and we are going to contact NAPAC who run a helpline for abused adults as I am way out of my depth. Sis is also seeing her CPN today as well so hopefully she will be able to help.

We certainly weren't expecting much from mum but her lack of compassion is astounding. I'll let you know what happens if that's ok x

That was my parents response - "you imagined it". I will never, ever forgive them for that. I understand how your sister feels x

meritaten

happy, I read this a couple of hours ago and had to go away and think a bit. tbh it upset me and I have NO experience in abuse of this kind so didnt want to post with a knee jerk reaction.
I think you are right to try to get sis some specialist help - abused children need a special kind of counselling and from articles I have read its not uncommon to find that the mother refuses to believe the child - so thier counsellors will have experience of this.
in the case of Narcissistic Mothers - then I can well believe that they would refuse to acknowledge any suspicion of thier husbands. Their husbands are under THEIR control and either they committed incest with the full knowledge of their wives and colluded with them to keep it quiet - or the wives turned the blindest eyes as it suited them not to have to, er, have sex.
I am not excusing your father by any means - but a Narcissistic wife must have been hell to live with. and I can imagine that playing away from home would have been a huge risk for him - and once he found that his wife turned a blind eye to him and your sis............!!!!

have you accompanied your sis to a counselling session? it would be painful for both of you I know - but you can give an account which may be helpful to the counsellor (especially if you see a specialist one).

happy - please try to stop your sis contacting your biological mother - it only causes her pain and that MUST stop. I have the feeling that your neice is still seeing her - she must be told too, by her mum and you. If I had been told that my mother had been treated like this by my nan - I would prob have gone nuts at nan - but my mother would have all my support.

happy - I do hope your sis gets better soon, you dont want to know what I would wish on your 'mother'! give scapegoat my love and tell her that she is better than she thinks she is! as SHE is a wonderful person and mother!

londonsurrey

I had a cousin who was a scapegoat. She had three siblings, for whom she had to clean and cook virtually through her childhood.

Even when she was 22, and won £80k, she immediately shared it with the family, who were more than happy to take it. And then went back to treating her as badly as ever.

The interesting thing is that amongst us 8 cousins, a mixture of boys and girls, she was the only one who was indecently approached by her father, at least one brother and an uncle.

These men didn't even try anything like that to the other girls.
The thing is, I've watched it, with other children and contexts. There is what I consider a child without a protector, which is what scapegoats are. Predators (this includes men who would otherwise not even normally be predators, like people who unexpectedly encounter an unmanned sweet kiosk), recognise that these children are defenceless, and do try it on.

On a lesser level, I've seen adults treat me nicely, smile at me, and then these same adults will offhandedly treat an unprotected child badly or ignore it. Because of my childhood, with scapegoats, and servants' children, I've seen a lot of instances of these.

It's had the effect of making me very aware of society's falseness, and I am less impressed by how nice someone is to me than how nice they are to someone of "lesser" social worth, unaware that I'm watching them.

MiddyMum

HappyHaddock, how are you getting on now?

I read this whole thread over the space of a few days, I recently wrote a post about my Narcissistic mother and so many posts on this thread resonate with me...

anastasia666

I've only just come back to this thread after posting what seems like an eternity ago. I hope everyone is doing OK. My life has changed so much since posting, it's been a mad 6 months! Nothing to do with my mother or grandmother though, although my grandmother has stuck her oar in when I've allowed her to. Apparently it's better to remain in a relationship where you are unhappy than to be on your own.

Anyway, jsut wodnered how everyone was doing!

meritaten

anastasia666 wrote: »

I've only just come back to this thread after posting what seems like an eternity ago. I hope everyone is doing OK. My life has changed so much since posting, it's been a mad 6 months! Nothing to do with my mother or grandmother though, although my grandmother has stuck her oar in when I've allowed her to. Apparently it's better to remain in a relationship where you are unhappy than to be on your own.

Anyway, jsut wodnered how everyone was doing!

I bet one of her favourite sayings is 'You made your bed now you can lie in it'!

Yes Happy, update please? how are you and your sister doing?

happyhaddock_2

Oh my goodness, for some reason I was thinking about this thread today and here it is on the main page!

Thanks for asking how I am doing, personally things have been rather stressful the past few months as I've had nasty health scare. Unsurprisingly mum took this as her cue to do the woe is me act. I am still maintaining no contact with her and my feelings remain the same, unfortunately I don't feel any compunction to speak to her at all.

Unfortunately my poor sister is still soldiering on despite mum being vile to her and still expecting her to take the bl**dy eBay parcels! Only this week sis rang me in tears to say she'd fallen for it yet again, although she did tell mum not to contact her again until she can treat her in a civil manner. I told sis not to contact her first, so I'll see what happens.

How is everyone else doing? X

happyhaddock_2

Oh my goodness, for some reason I was thinking about this thread today and here it is on the main page!

Thanks for asking how I am doing, personally things have been rather stressful the past few months as I've had nasty health scare. Unsurprisingly mum took this as her cue to do the woe is me act. I am still maintaining no contact with her and my feelings remain the same, unfortunately I don't feel any compunction to speak to her at all.

Unfortunately my poor sister is still soldiering on despite mum being vile to her and still expecting her to take the bl**dy eBay parcels! Only this week sis rang me in tears to say she'd fallen for it yet again, although she did tell mum not to contact her again until she can treat her in a civil manner. I told sis not to contact her first, so I'll see what happens.

How is everyone else doing? X

MiddyMum

Haddock. your sister reminds me of how I used to be. My mum would treat me nice for a bit, cue me running to her like a lap dog and within a few months she was treating me like muck on her shoe...I'd always say I wouldn't stand for it anymore, and would cut contact if she ever did it again, but the hope kept me there, the hope that she would be the mum I wanted her to be. Hope can be a very dangerous thing....I have been 2 months NC now, and like you I don't have any desire to speak to my mother. I do, however, have a desire to have (a) mum in my life. It has been a painful two months as I have had to let go of hope.