I don't like my mother!

happyhaddock_2

Hi middymum, that is exactly how my sister is, although I think she is now finally starting to get tired of always being spoken to like dirt! Good for you for standing up to your mum and stopping contact. I'm 'lucky' in that I don't miss having a mum figure as she was never a big part of my life anyway.
I hope you stay strong and it gets easier for you,you have to ask yourself can it be any worse than being spoken to and used like that x

londonsurrey

I have been No Contact for years now. I highly recommend it.

Every now and again, I become aware of the pervasiveness of my worthlessness that she drummed into me.

Just a few months ago, I was drying myself after a bath as usual.
I get cold very easily. I also have below waist length hair.

This means that when in cool weather, I get out of the shower, I am shivering. The cold wet hair slapping against me feels unpleasant, as well as getting in the way of me drying myself.

I can use a towel to put my hair up in a turban. However, when I use the towel to dry myself, the hair is released, sopping wet, down my back.

.... I finally twigged, at the grand old age of 41, that I am "worth" two towels - one for my hair, and one for my body, and no one is going to come screaming at me for being so indulgent and what-do-I-think-I-am-doing-using-so-many-towels-and-why-can't-I-just-use-one-towel-like-everyone-else. *palm-face smiley*

MiddyMum

It's hard to shake what they ingrained into us isn't it LS. I am always second guessing myself still, and often think " what would my mum have said in this situation, drives me mental! I have a long way to go with healing.

P.S Waist length hair, wow! How beautiful!

valk_scot

londonsurrey wrote: »

I can use a towel to put my hair up in a turban. However, when I use the towel to dry myself, the hair is released, sopping wet, down my back.

.... I finally twigged, at the grand old age of 41, that I am "worth" two towels - one for my hair, and one for my body, and no one is going to come screaming at me for being so indulgent and what-do-I-think-I-am-doing-using-so-many-towels-and-why-can't-I-just-use-one-towel-like-everyone-else. *palm-face smiley*

Turbi-towels are great for long hair and do save a lot on laundry as they're quite small, just cunningly shaped. You can get them in cotton or microfibre in the ££ type shops. DD and I have waist length hair, DS has hair to his shoulderblades. We have a lot of turbi-towels!

londonsurrey

MiddyMum wrote: »

It's hard to shake what they ingrained into us isn't it LS. I am always second guessing myself still, and often think " what would my mum have said in this situation, drives me mental! I have a long way to go with healing.

P.S Waist length hair, wow! How beautiful!

Lol. Thanks.
Funnily enough, the hair length is another issue. I wasn't allowed it as a child, and I just took it as normal, not an issue.

I got married at 21, and my husband wanted me to have long hair. It didn't bother me one way or another, I hadn't given my hair much thought, so I agreed.

Over the years, my mother would volunteer to cut my hair, which was normal over my childhood. So I agreed, and told her I just wanted a couple of inches taken off, as I was growing it. She agreed.

She took off 10 inches. And then was surprised it was an issue.
My husband was unhappy, and she knew it.

This scenario repeated about 2-3 times over the years, and I didn't understand why it kept happening, why didn't she understand?


It took me a long time after these incidents to understand that she literally didn't care what I said, not just about my hair, and that I had no rights in her eyes. Ironically, she used to have long hair, and used to talk about the conferences she went to, when she was one of two or three women amongst lots of men, and how much attention she enjoyed.

MiddyMum

Oh my, LS my mum used to always bang on about which so and so was admiring her! And when she went on her many many holidays, such and such man bought her this, because they thought she was so beautiful...they really do have the same traits don't they!

anastasia666

meritaten wrote: »

I bet one of her favourite sayings is 'You made your bed now you can lie in it'!

Yes Happy, update please? how are you and your sister doing?

Lol How did you guess? Haha

londonsurrey - I still find myself asking my now estranged husband if it's OK if I make myself a coffee! When we first moved in together I remember asking if it was OK if I went to the toilet!

meritaten

narcissists often have similar traits - so I just think what MIL would have said!
I could cry sometimes at some of these posts - even something as simple as not using a second towel because it was ingrained that only one was allowed!
go on hun - use a towel for your hair and one for each limb if you like!!!

KxMx

I read this thread through months ago and I have to say it was a nasty to shock to recognise traits in my own mother. Especially it is my Dad who I have always considered abnormal!

But, it did give me the courage to tackle things, and to realise I was at fault because I decided/realised some things about our relationship were wrong years ago, and I did nothing to change it.

Things are not perfect but honestly things that I thought would only stop when I escaped by moving out, have on the whole stopped. They do tend to start up again at the moment every few weeks so we have a refresher chat. I can't expect instant changes after 25 years of course!

happyhaddock_2

Hi Kxmx, it's quite an eye opener isnt it. I remember when I first read about narcissism I could of written some of the items word for word. All of a sudden everything made sense and I realised it wasn't me who was the one with the problem!

Good for you for recognising the problem with your mother, and for confronting her about it. Like you say it will take a while but at least she is trying. My mum would never even acknowledge there was a problem, let alone it's her fault.