I don't like my mother!

grey_lady

Start your own thread top drawer.

And raise your expectations.

londonsurrey

You're perfectly entitled to start your own thread if you want to, but you're also perfectly entitled to post on this thread, and HappyHaddock has never shown any indication that she minds anyone posting on here.

As for your mother's hurtful remarks, has it even crossed your mind to respond with "So have you" or to simply not see her?

These people revel in the control they have. You can wait forever for them to give you courtesy and consideration, and you won't get it. Look at your mother - she has control because she's grabbed it, and you've not grabbed it back.

BitterAndTwisted

Unfortunately the patterns of behaviour we learn at the teat are very difficult to change. But just getting to the stage where you understand where those patterns came from is half-way to changing them.

If I were you I'd think about stopping all contact with your mother completely, at least for a while. You never know, it might help to make you feel free of the ties and burdens you're carrying about with you 24/7 And most especially at ruddy Christmas if the disrespectful and slatternly biatch can't even ensure you have a clean room with some bedding in it. What do you do, take you're own duvet and sheets with you? That's not a mixed-message she's sending you, is it? I'm getting it, loud and clear, from way over here.

Bella73

top_drawer wrote: »

Hello,

I'm looking for ways to cope with my Mother - I can identify with all the elements mentioned above and more. For most of the year things aren't too bad as I live away but come Christmas it all seems to get more difficult.

I am single and have never been married, due to a variety of reasons there isn't much contact with much of the family on my Dad's side. I live with a landlady at the moment and in the past I have lived in various shared houses. I have issues in making friends/dealing with people which seems to lead to a variety of problems such as struggling to stand up for myself leaving me unhappy at work/home - shared houses seem be a constant push of people wanting everything their way and I come away unhappy. I don't seem to have a strong enough self of self - the problems I have with my last housemates were that I never felt like I could get away from them. Like one was always knocking on my door/ catching me making a brew/cooking in the kitchen moaning at me about work - sometimes for an hour or more and her response to any advice was I offered was Yes But...... I was feeling annoyed that this same person had left the kitchen in a state AGAIN and yet would complain about the most minor things but she was always so close to tears that I couldn't say anything ... or my other housemate and her friends etc hogging our lounge. Then our landlord felt she was entitled to pop in any time and rearrange furniture to suit. I felt like I was constantly being pulled all over the place.

My mother is very wrapped up in herself and has very little interest in anything I do - she once had to ring me so that I could remind her what degree I was studying for as she likes to boast about things to her "mates" in the pub, usually to make them feel sh!tty, in this case that her son was getting a "lesser" degree. I had an important interview on Thursday which I texted her - waiting on the train station and mytrain train got cancelled and her response is to say that its minor as she has more problems them me and I'm worrying about a cancelled train.... all problems she has are created by her though and that's not my opinion.... she prefers drama than to accept a solution and to make an effort as it means she has to change what she wants to do. For example their dog has a bad hip, he is very overweight but they wont stop feeding him HUGE amounts of food + scraps they call him the 4th baby ....

She has damaged both of my sisters too - one has a disability and she has lived off her - 1st through being registered as a "carer" for years by making her disability out to be much more than what it is and now she has turned 18 she lives off her own and her husband's disability money - both of which are massively exaggerated conditions. She is extremely materialistic and lazy - she actually bought a new microwave oven (dont own an actual oven as it wont get used) as the old one was dirty rather than clean it.

My other sister overcompensates with her two children to create a "Happy" home where they have everything but is extremely unstable in setting rules or boundaries, is constantly screaming at her kids and is very demanding (read a bit of a bully at times).

I struggle to make friends and every year I go home and she is awful towards me - switching between nasty to nice in a split second depending on how she feels at that moment. She manages to dominate most events but puts in extreme little effort into preparing anything and then expects massive thanks. The room that I will sleep in will be dirty and full of junk, there wont be bedding available to put on the (younger sisters old mini bed) child's bed that's in there - similarly the rest of the house isn't much better. Obviously I couldn't retain a room forever but still ....

Any phone calls I make to her to keep in touch are invariably all about her and her troubles ... then she asks how I am and before I can say anything more than "oh you know not too bad ...." she's like great I'll go then .........

I feel so ripped off at this time of year, I've tried to get over these thing in various ways but it seems I am stuck with it:

1) Had counselling and done masses of work on myself to deal with the fact that I will never have the mother I could hope for and to "fix" the deficits that I have as a result of the emotional and physical abuse that I suffered.

2)Took driving lessons hoping that I could just visit and maybe I could build up a relationship with my nephews/sister as at the moment I don't get to see them - once every 2/3 months or so.

3) Made determined efforts to change my life as I dont tend to go out to seek change (its quite scary...) but I bit the bullet and have a plan for how I would like things to be .... its a pity the Higher Order aren't cc'd into this plan as they don't seem to be following it.

2) I've made all-sorts of efforts to work on gaining friends so that I am not as on my own ........and maybe can get that support and input (as well as everything else than goes with having friends) this also doesn't seem to be massively successful.

I just seem to be a disaster area - at the moment I am living in house with a lady I know from a group I attend, I was looking for somewhere to move too as I had to give up the flat I had for a very short period due to struggling for money but I am unhappy here as I am made to feel like a (unwanted) guest; she seems to want me to disappear much of the time - she has asked that I cut down on what I have in the freezer as she depends on it for budgeting (I have less than half a drawer full of items while she makes sandwiches for the next three months and freezes them, plus has loads of soups/dahls etc). She won't let me store my bike here despite having a yard - its a garden apparently, so it had to go home so I can't go out bike riding with friends (cheap and good exercise I found). The house is freezing during the day as she doesn't have the heating on ... She control the TV with an iron fist and even kicks me off the sofa - her face actually falls if I've managed to get in the lounge before she has and if its not TV she is watching then its recorded stuff and she has a never ending supply. She never seems to go out and definitely not for long and whatever she is doing takes place in the lounge.

Obviously its her house but come on I am a paying to live here... I feel like I'm destined to go from bad situation to bad situation whereas other people seem to be able to land well.

Maybe I should have started my own thread but I wanted advice from people who maybe have been there - last year the first thing she said when she saw me (after 3 months) was ... You've gained weight ...it still hurts even when you know its coming.

*Sigh*

TD

Hi
First off I think you need a contract with your landlord if you are paying to stay at the property you are not a guest you are a tenant.

Re Xmas if it were me I wouldn't visit my Mother as it only upsets you so why bother. If you don't want to be alone then see if your local Church or somewhere could do with a hand, places are always in the lookout for volunteers and you might meet some nice people too.

Could you I the new year try and get a bedsit I know not very glamourous but would be your own space. If not can go get a small TV for your room? If you can't afford one than try freecycle in your area it's amazing what people give away.

Wishing you good luck

BitterAndTwisted

Bella73 wrote: »

Hi
First off I think you need a contract with your landlord if you are paying to stay at the property you are not a guest you are a tenant.

Actually, this is very poor advice: if she is living in a property with the person who owns it she is a LODGER and not a tenant. There is no absolute necessity for a lodger to have a written agreement but the most important difference between a tenant and a lodger is that lodgers have few rights, and could asked be to leave at a moment's notice. This is not true of tenants, who have far more legal rights (and responsibilities). The other side of the same coin is that a lodger can leave without being tied to any notice-period if they haven't signed anything agreeing to it.

Under the circumstances, it sounds to me like the poster shouldn't be rocking the boat for the time being if they don't want to be asked to leave with a minimum of notice. It's quite obvious that she isn't being made particularly welcome. Perhaps the offer to live there was only a temporary one, and she has stayed way beyond what the landlady expected at the start. I'd be saving up to move as my first priority.

margaretclare

As a mother who has been rejected by her one surviving daughter, and at this time of year especially (10 years on the 30th since younger daughter died) I am so, so sorry for everyone.

From the contributions above, my 2 pet hates are:

1. People who live vicariously through their offspring/descendants e.g. My son/daughter has a better degree than yours has/earns more etc. (This, according to DH, is the 'Jewish mother' scenario: My son the lawyer is in danger of drowning....)

2. People who call pets 'my baby'. A dog is a dog, essentially a descendant of wolves and even a tiny dog will walk the legs off you given the chance - it's not a toy nor is it a human baby!

BTW I don't know if it's 'narcissistic' or not, but I'm going for cosmetic surgery in the New Year even at my advanced age. It's not so much vanity as comfort, will be able to have a smaller bra.

A Happy Christmas to everyone!

top_drawer_2

Hi,

Thanks for the responses. Don't get me wrong I manage most of the year .... ignoring the behaviour mostly or letting it pass without the drama she hopes it will get her. I haven't thought of not seeing her as she is myonly family really; I'm not close to my sister (she tends to be favoured by my mother), this is mainly because of the mind -games she has played over the years. I don't think my sister sees through them though and as I seemed to be favoured when we were younger (I wasn't but it may have appeared like that... ) then she feels she is getting what she deserves now in getting all the attention.

She will eventually find some spare bedding ...... it just may be pillows from the lounge, blankets and whatever else she can find and she will make a big scene about being dismissive about it so I will be made out to be "making a fuss" about nothing. I will clean the room usually, wipe all the sides down and hover and move things about so that I can get my stuff into the room. Again she will make a big song and dance about how this is me making a fuss again about nothing ....

I would very much like my own bedsit ..... but rent seems to average around £350-£450 p/m then with bills and CT on top I just cant afford it. I have a TV of my own but the various aerials dont work in this room, Winter Hill is our antenna and due to being in a downstairs room in a mid terraced house the signal has to travel straight down through around 20 houses meaning very little gets to my TV. I mainly buy second-hand DVD's and watch them in the evening as I dont feel welcome in the lounge (and am sick of the rubbish she watches on TV).

Someone else put an email out re finding a room for me and apparently it did imply that it was a temporary measure. However, she has never asked me re how long I planned to stay or said anything to imply it wasn't an ongoing arrangement ...... In fact there has been a problem with the shower and she is having that fixed (I am the only one who uses it) at her expense.

Lol I wish my mother did live through me. No she just likes to make other people feel sh!tty about themselves, particularly if she doesnt like the person involved.

I think it depends on why someone is having cosmetic surgery as to whether its narcissistic or not - sounds more necessary in your case Margaret.

I just wish there was a quick answer.

margaretclare

Yes, it is necessary - well, I think so, and obviously my consultant thinks so too, it's routine for him, although some might just class it as 'vanity' but in fact it's mainly to do with comfort. The NHS would probably not think it necessary but then, I haven't asked them. I could just imagine what they'd say. However, I haven't asked anyone else in my age-group and in fact I tend not to socialise with my own generation very much because you get their children/grandchildren/great-grandchildren rammed down your throat and if I said to them 'well, what are YOU doing?' some of them wouldn't even understand the question.

Sommer43

I have been following this thread with interest. I have cut all contact with my mother, on the 23rd of December. She is a diagnosed schizophrenic. I had her sectioned, as she was living on the streets, I returned home from overseas after the police contacted me stating she had been taken into hospital. She had headlice, assaulted a member of staff. My husband and I, fought the NHS mental health services in our area, we eventually got her a place to live and with a good care package. Yes, she has mental health difficulties, yes she has had a traumatic life, yes she has never been a mother to me.

My husband and I have been called by the police, we have been called by the housing association, by carers, she refuses to take her medication. She has taken loan after loan out with Provident, who I have contacted, to no avail.

She has now been in her own home for over a year. She is dirty, lazy, ashtrays over flowing, she has piled on three stone, she has treated me like dirt and on and on it goes. Mental health aside, this is behavourial. The point of no return was on Saturday, when I was there with my son, whereby she had bought my brother (who cut the contact years ago) two sweaters and was writing his card. She placed money inside, and asked me for his address. (None of my mother's family give her their addresses) I refused and said I would take it to the post office to post it to him. She then, in front of the carer and my son, said: "You will not spend this, he will get it?" 35 years of anguish came out from me, anger, resentment, pure hatred and I gun barrelled my true feelings towards her. I lost it, threw the present at her and told her, her fortune. My son was mortified, (he is 23) more shocked at me, than her accusation. In all of his life, he has never seen me lose my temper and I am past the point of "She has a mental health illness" She called me and said it was a "slip of the tongue" That's a poor excuse for disgusting behaviour.

My husband, has kept his mouth closed for a year now, he erupted on Saturday when my son told him what had happened and he has now refused to have her in our home for Christmas Dinner. I have cut all contact, and as guilty as that makes me feel, I am done. There is no going back. I have emailed social services, the mental health team and now handed her over to them who she is registered with. To be called a thief by my own mother, for my son to hear that, and for my mother's carer to hear it is appalling. She has no emotion, no feeling, no consideration for anyone apart from herself. I have run around, used my car, picked up cigarettes, cleaned up her faeces stained clothing, flushed her unflushed toilet, had her mouldy laundry in my home, dealt with her bills, shouted at loan companies who take advantage of her, and no more. Enough is enough.

I am a mother, I don't sugar any pill, my children are by no means perfect, we have had our difficulties, my daughter in particular, I don't take any crap from them and I am no longer taking it from my mother. What gets me through the guilt is the pain from that accusation. it counteracts the guilt.

My mother will be bad-mouthing me, no doubt, to all who will listen, I don't care, I detest the woman. She has dogged my life for so long now, it is time for me to stop yearning for the best part of her, which is in there, I have seen it on brief occasions. My father left her, abandoned her, to which I now understand why. I have a wonderful husband who I adore and cherish, I have my children who are all adults and I cherish them, my mother in law, is a wonderful woman, who has now patted my hand when it all came tumbling out to her.

Here's to you, Mother, you evil, self-centred cow, you has never done anything for me, never once said thank you, never once hugged me, used me to bring cigarettes when you couldn't be bothered to get off your backside. Merry !!!!!!! Christmas.

Phew I don't half feel better now.

For all you people who keep their mouths closed, I suggest you get your real feelings out. You don't deserve to be hurt, pulled, have your loyalties torn, you deserve better.

To the wonderful mothers out there, and there are many, I take my hat off to you, not an easy job, not an easy ride. But I look at many mother's and see beautiful, kind caring strong women.

The old saying goes, "It is not over till the fat lady sings" Well one fat lady managed to make it over with one sentence. It is now.

Mojisola

Sommer43 wrote: »

Phew I don't half feel better now.

Let the relief wash over you and remember that feeling. When the attempts are made to draw you back in, resist them - your brother has done for years, now it's your turn to live your life.