I don't like my mother!

KxMx

While my Mum was never anywhere near as bad as some I have read about on here, I did recognise elements.

She at first did not see anything wrong with what she was doing and it has taken a mixture of rudeness, reasonable conversations and hurting her feelings to get her to see what she was doing isn't right or normal.

No-one was happier than me a few weeks ago when she commented after seeing a Corrie plotline that she could see where I was coming from

loopyandsad

Hello everyone, I've just been reading some of your posts, and a lot of them sound like we must have mothers who went to the same "how to be a mum school" !!!

If anyone can spare the time, I'd be really glad of some outsiders views on a new situation with my mum.

I have a grown-up daughter who is with a lad whose family & I don't get on. A long story but in short, they owe me a LOT (four figures) of money, have spread nasty lies about me, and his mother assaulted me.
Anyway, daughter has just been round to visit with her bf, who told me about how they were in his mums car earlier today, with his mum, when MY mum phoned HIS mum (y'know, the one who assaulted me)! His mum was driving, so had her phone on speaker, and MY mum was talking to her, saying things like "Oh, thank you SO much for looking after Wilma & Betty" (obviously not their real names, but I'm paranoid lol), "You've been taking SUCH good care of them", "it's SUCH a relief to know they're being cared for so well" and other nauseating c**p like that!
What I'd really like to ask is, am I being unreasonable to feel betrayed? I KNOW if I speak to her about this, she'll say it wasn't like that, that she's only doing it for my sake, so that my daughter doesn't feel ... actually I don't KNOW what, but it'll make her out to be doing it for everyones good, so she's the angelic martyr!
Don't get me wrong, I love my mum, I even LIKE her quite a bit of the time, but there are a LOT of things that I'd change about her, if I could! She's VERY controlling, can be really venomous, never thinks twice about belittling someone or criticising them and is just generally "it's my way or the highway"-ish.
I may well end up coming here quite often, if that's ok, as there's only so long you can keep stuff bottled and only so far you can bend the ears of friends! :-/

londonsurrey

I don't think it's unreasonable to feel betrayed.
In fact, it's a step forward in your development to allow yourself to be important enough to have needs that haven't been fulfilled (lack of loyalty and backing from your mother, the right to feel hurt without it being dismissed, the right to simply not like behaviours from other people simply because you don't like it).

londonsurrey

I'd go as far as to suspect your mother is to blame for planting the seeds of why these people owe you so much money - you were brought up to please, to meet the needs of someone else, to have no right or inkling of a defence against demands made on you.

londonsurrey

It suddenly occurred to me that I'm really had pushed to remember anything nice that my mother said TO me in the last 5-10 years of interaction (am not including the years I haven't spoken to her).

I've heard her boasting to other people about the things I've got and given her, but she'll turn round and criticise me when they've left about exactly the things she's been boasting about (e.g. my salary - "My daughter earns so much", followed by "Oi daughter - you're not earning enough".)

belfastgirl23

Loopyandsad, what has any of this to do with you? So your mum was being nice to people who haven't been nice to you? So what? Maybe she felt she was acting in the best interests of your grandchildren by getting along with their grandparents?? That's if I've understood it properly, it's quite a complicated family scenario you've painted. More than anything I'd wonder about the people reporting this to you, why are they winding you up about it? And why are you letting them?

happyhaddock_2

Hi l &s I don't blame you for feeling betrayed and hurt, but if it's any consolation my mum would also rather take anyone's side apart from mine I just don't think they see us as adults in our own right, who are capable of feeling hurt. THEY can do and say whatever they like, we are denied that right.

Hope you manage to sort out the relationship with your mother, but try not to let it interfere with your own relationship with your daughter x

happyhaddock_2

Just a quick update on our position as well. Mum is still making sis's life hell expecting her to go round every day! I had her on the phone in tears again earlier, but she just cant seem to make the break .

We've also had the happy news that my niece is expecting her first baby, which is wonderful, but we can only imagine how mum will be when its born. Can you really be jealous of a new born baby?

meritaten

hi loopyandsad - you have your mum pegged so dont add to her drama!
as you rightly state she will say she is doing it for you - and there is no answer to that is there?
so do NOT mention it! you may seethe for a while - but frankly, it does not really affect you does it? you cannot be responsible for your mother!
difficult I know but I think in this case you must 'rise above it'. Ignore the fact your mum is toadying up to this woman - refuse to discuss it with your DD. It is the only way you can come out of this with any dignity - because whatever you say is going to held against you!

top_drawer_2

Hello,

I'm looking for ways to cope with my Mother - I can identify with all the elements mentioned above and more. For most of the year things aren't too bad as I live away but come Christmas it all seems to get more difficult.

I am single and have never been married, due to a variety of reasons there isn't much contact with much of the family on my Dad's side. I live with a landlady at the moment and in the past I have lived in various shared houses. I have issues in making friends/dealing with people which seems to lead to a variety of problems such as struggling to stand up for myself leaving me unhappy at work/home - shared houses seem be a constant push of people wanting everything their way and I come away unhappy. I don't seem to have a strong enough self of self - the problems I have with my last housemates were that I never felt like I could get away from them. Like one was always knocking on my door/ catching me making a brew/cooking in the kitchen moaning at me about work - sometimes for an hour or more and her response to any advice was I offered was Yes But...... I was feeling annoyed that this same person had left the kitchen in a state AGAIN and yet would complain about the most minor things but she was always so close to tears that I couldn't say anything ... or my other housemate and her friends etc hogging our lounge. Then our landlord felt she was entitled to pop in any time and rearrange furniture to suit. I felt like I was constantly being pulled all over the place.

My mother is very wrapped up in herself and has very little interest in anything I do - she once had to ring me so that I could remind her what degree I was studying for as she likes to boast about things to her "mates" in the pub, usually to make them feel sh!tty, in this case that her son was getting a "lesser" degree. I had an important interview on Thursday which I texted her - waiting on the train station and mytrain train got cancelled and her response is to say that its minor as she has more problems them me and I'm worrying about a cancelled train.... all problems she has are created by her though and that's not my opinion.... she prefers drama than to accept a solution and to make an effort as it means she has to change what she wants to do. For example their dog has a bad hip, he is very overweight but they wont stop feeding him HUGE amounts of food + scraps they call him the 4th baby ....

She has damaged both of my sisters too - one has a disability and she has lived off her - 1st through being registered as a "carer" for years by making her disability out to be much more than what it is and now she has turned 18 she lives off her own and her husband's disability money - both of which are massively exaggerated conditions. She is extremely materialistic and lazy - she actually bought a new microwave oven (dont own an actual oven as it wont get used) as the old one was dirty rather than clean it.

My other sister overcompensates with her two children to create a "Happy" home where they have everything but is extremely unstable in setting rules or boundaries, is constantly screaming at her kids and is very demanding (read a bit of a bully at times).

I struggle to make friends and every year I go home and she is awful towards me - switching between nasty to nice in a split second depending on how she feels at that moment. She manages to dominate most events but puts in extreme little effort into preparing anything and then expects massive thanks. The room that I will sleep in will be dirty and full of junk, there wont be bedding available to put on the (younger sisters old mini bed) child's bed that's in there - similarly the rest of the house isn't much better. Obviously I couldn't retain a room forever but still ....

Any phone calls I make to her to keep in touch are invariably all about her and her troubles ... then she asks how I am and before I can say anything more than "oh you know not too bad ...." she's like great I'll go then .........

I feel so ripped off at this time of year, I've tried to get over these thing in various ways but it seems I am stuck with it:

1) Had counselling and done masses of work on myself to deal with the fact that I will never have the mother I could hope for and to "fix" the deficits that I have as a result of the emotional and physical abuse that I suffered.

2)Took driving lessons hoping that I could just visit and maybe I could build up a relationship with my nephews/sister as at the moment I don't get to see them - once every 2/3 months or so.

3) Made determined efforts to change my life as I dont tend to go out to seek change (its quite scary...) but I bit the bullet and have a plan for how I would like things to be .... its a pity the Higher Order aren't cc'd into this plan as they don't seem to be following it.

2) I've made all-sorts of efforts to work on gaining friends so that I am not as on my own ........and maybe can get that support and input (as well as everything else than goes with having friends) this also doesn't seem to be massively successful.

I just seem to be a disaster area - at the moment I am living in house with a lady I know from a group I attend, I was looking for somewhere to move too as I had to give up the flat I had for a very short period due to struggling for money but I am unhappy here as I am made to feel like a (unwanted) guest; she seems to want me to disappear much of the time - she has asked that I cut down on what I have in the freezer as she depends on it for budgeting (I have less than half a drawer full of items while she makes sandwiches for the next three months and freezes them, plus has loads of soups/dahls etc). She won't let me store my bike here despite having a yard - its a garden apparently, so it had to go home so I can't go out bike riding with friends (cheap and good exercise I found). The house is freezing during the day as she doesn't have the heating on ... She control the TV with an iron fist and even kicks me off the sofa - her face actually falls if I've managed to get in the lounge before she has and if its not TV she is watching then its recorded stuff and she has a never ending supply. She never seems to go out and definitely not for long and whatever she is doing takes place in the lounge.

Obviously its her house but come on I am a paying to live here... I feel like I'm destined to go from bad situation to bad situation whereas other people seem to be able to land well.

Maybe I should have started my own thread but I wanted advice from people who maybe have been there - last year the first thing she said when she saw me (after 3 months) was ... You've gained weight ...it still hurts even when you know its coming.

*Sigh*

TD