I don't like my mother!

londonsurrey

spirit wrote: »

Years later when I spoke to her about it, she denies all knowledge of it and it was all in my mind.

It's amazing how things become true and untrue as easily as flicking a switch for a NM.

Mine did the same denying malarkey, and then 10 years later, when she needed it to be true to get a divorce, suddenly it was true again, suddenly it had changed from "never happened" to "you have to tell this religious tribunal that it happened"!

happyhaddock_2

Oh spirit, so many similarities. I also left home and left my sis there.

Mum actually said to sis, if she'd of known what what happening doesn't she think she would of thrown him out!. Mum has also spent years saying that my sister 'makes everything up for attention'.

spirit

happyhaddock wrote: »

Oh spirit, so many similarities. I also left home and left my sis there.

Mum actually said to sis, if she'd of known what what happening doesn't she think she would of thrown him out!. Mum has also spent years saying that my sister 'makes everything up for attention'.

No of course she woudn't have thrown him out - it didn't suit her to do so at the time so words like that now are just cheap.

My NM is bone idle, I'm sure she rubbed her hands in glee after having given birth to her 3rd daughter. Already she didn't do any housework at all. With 2 older daughters she had built in babysitters. She finally divorced my real dad (I didn't really know him as was always out drinking and gambling apparently) and joined a club for divorced people. I'm sure she found it a struggle bringing up 3 children on her own. So when she met 'him' I expect she thought - Yeehar, no more work for me!

She had only ever worked part time doing cleaning or kitchen jobs. i think that 1950s housewives expected to be just that.

so to be told by me and then later YS that he wasn't actually the catch of the century was not what she wanted to hear. What she did was to choose him over her children. There was no way she would have thrown him out and gone back to struggling to make ends meet. In her mind that just wasn't an option.

Far easier to tell 2 daughters that we were lying and made up stories. Equally as wicked as that she would play one of us against the other telling her evil lies with the result that YS and I didn't speak for a few years - and I didn't get an invite to her wedding.

NM is the loser ultimately. She always believed that you had children to look after you in your old age and ironically, 2 of us don't even speak to her.

What comes around goes around.

meritaten

in narcissist speak then, 'dont you think that if I had known I would have thrown him out' means ' I was happy with the situation and if ANYONE outside the family had known I would have thrown him out'. she 'didnt know' because she wouldnt let herself know! but she would have chucked him out without a thought if she thought HERSELF would be in trouble or the neighbours knew!
well done scapegoat for confronting her - but hun, it won't help you in that she will ALWAYS deny all knowledge! and it will be someone elses fault!
scapegoat will never get true answers from her - because her mind doesnt recognise the truth. I cannot stress this enough - you are NOT dealing with a normal mind here! the narcissist mind is as deranged as the pyschopathic mind, or the paranoid schizophrenic - thier belief system does not work on the same level as 'normal' humans!
I would also say that their capacity for love is nil. they love themselves and no-one else. others exist to serve thier self love, whether they be golden child, scapegoat or the forgotten kids (like my BILs). ALL of them are damaged by these people.

londonsurrey

spirit wrote: »

NM is the loser ultimately. She always believed that you had children to look after you in your old age

That was the funny thing, she had it all. My husband and I were in decently paid professional jobs, we were paying for the rent, the bills, buying extra stuff when she wanted it (she and little brother were living with us), and she STILL wasn't happy.

I wasn't expecting her to work, and OH just went along with anything for a quiet life (he was more under her thumb than I was). But her criticisms just wouldn't stop. She even hounded me at work to criticise, at the job that was paying for it all.

Finally, after years of trying, I gave up. I wasn't even expecting praise. I was simply aiming for giving her what she demanded, and simply NO HARASSMENT OR CRITICISM. She couldn't even manage that. For a long time, I couldn't understand why I was still such a bad person when I was doing exactly what she demanded.


Now, she gets nothing from me. I'm expecting some soppy soul from a nursing home one day, on a mission to get me to visit my kindly neglected feeble old mummy.

I'm definitely not going, although I wonder if someone could help me with a "letter" I can print out and silently hand to this clueless good samaritan, so I don't have to spend an hour trying to convince them or killing them (depending on my mood)

happyhaddock_2

spirit wrote: »

Far easier to tell 2 daughters that we were lying and made up stories. Equally as wicked as that she would play one of us against the other telling her evil lies with the result that YS and I didn't speak for a few years - and I didn't get an invite to her wedding.

NM is the loser ultimately. She always believed that you had children to look after you in your old age and ironically, 2 of us don't even speak to her.

What comes around goes around.

This is exactly what mum has done to us as well Spirit. She hates it that we are now close.

Like you, we had to do all the housework, babysitting (ie. being left on our own) I always said it would of been cheaper to hire servants!. And no, I don't believe mum would of thrown him out if she 'had known'.

happyhaddock_2

Thanks Meri, I will get sis to read your post it makes so much sense.

LS that is so bad that even though you gave her everything it wasnt enough, I feel so sorry for you and your poor brother (bless him). I am quite happy in my choice to go no contact with mum, so will also just expect 'the phone call' one day.

meritaten

ok LS a letter you can hand to someone who tries to persuade you to visit 'dear old mum'....................lets see what we can come up with.........

To Whom It May Concern

You have taken it upon yourself to try to persuade me to visit my 'biological' mother who is currently residing at (Blah Blah Home).

Be advised that this person has never been a 'true' mother to me, and without going into any embarrassing details (to her), I prefer to have NO contact with her whatsoever.

Please do not contact me again as I have no intention of changing my mind and will view further attempts to persuade me as harrassment and will have no hesitation in taking legal action.

Yours Faithfully
LondonSurrey

londonsurrey

Thank you very much, Meri. I appreciate it.

happyhaddock_2

Well sis is in meltdown:( she can't believe mums reaction to what she told her. Any 'normal' person would of been devastated to learn that their daughter had been abused, even more so if they were unaware of the fact as she maintains. Mums reaction has been 'its all in your imagination"!

Mums treating sis the same as ever now, accusing her of playing games when she says she's going round then doesn't, only being bothered about her needs. My poor sister just can't deal with it and is cracking up

I'm going to see her today and we are going to contact NAPAC who run a helpline for abused adults as I am way out of my depth. Sis is also seeing her CPN today as well so hopefully she will be able to help.

We certainly weren't expecting much from mum but her lack of compassion is astounding. I'll let you know what happens if that's ok x