I don't like my mother!

londonsurrey

Your daughter doesn't have the responsibility put onto her. It's her choice.

In the same vein, your mother has the choice of asking people to do things for her, nicely. She chooses not to do so. That is not your problem unless you make it your problem.

It's interesting reading what you say about feeling the pressure (from yourself - no one has done anything) to call her, AND half hoping for her to be nasty.

Be aware, there's such a thing as a comfort zone. It's a bad name, as it's a zone of what you're familiar with, not necessarily what is nicely snugly comfortable.

So you seem to be considering putting yourself back in your mother's reach, in your words "running back to her".
That is entirely your right to do so.
However, it is a little pointless to then get upset about how nasty she's being to you when you do see her.

Think about the school bully. You know it bullies, and you know it bullies you. If you keep on visiting the school bully, people will wonder why on earth you are upset, puzzled, wanting sympathy, all because she's beaten you up yet AGAIN.

It's not as though the school bully is visiting you, or waylaying you as you go about your business (Yes, she's waylaying you mentally because she's brainwashed you, but that's up to you to recognise it, and make the decision whether to keep away from her or not)

duchy

I think the thing is that Mothers are in society's eyes "supposed" to feel certain things for their kids or react in certain ways and when they don't it is tempting to keep going back with the hope (no matter how unlikely) that this time it will be different -and what went on before was some kind of massive misunderstanding -even when you know deep down it wasn't. There's also the expectation from others (and maybe ourselves) that we will be there for our mothers on "special days" like Mother's days, anniversaries etc as that is what happens in normal mother/daughter relationships -but without the appreciation these aren't normal relationships-and there's a degree of emotional blackmail going on -whether intended or otherwise.

duchy

Scape_Goat wrote: »

I know my dear sister is fuming about the letter that she received and how disgraceful that your own mother could send it and not want to have any further contact. It would be interesting to see what other people think about, as to why I didn't get one? Do you think it's because she knows I'm soft and have always gone running back in the past? Any advise would yet again be gratefully received.

I think she's waiting for you to react -and then you will be subjected to how could your sister be so cruel to her line and be expected to "choose" as after all how could you be so evil as to abandon a poor old woman already treated badly by her other daughter and gang up on her (her spin on it not the reality). She thinks you are so "soft" that you'll allow her to manipulate you some more........Only you can decide if you are going to let her or change the pattern of your behaviour (only she can choose to change hers).

devildog

Scape_Goat wrote: »

Thank you again for all your lovely messages and advise. It's my dads 2 year anniversary on Thursday and I really dont know what to do? I do think for my own piece of mind i will ring and see if she wants me to go and see her, although I have got a plumber coming to the house between 12pm to 5pm and under normal circumstances, if that was the case. she would be fuming as to how I could be so inconsiderate as to arrange it for that particular day. If i do ring I'm actually hoping that she will be funny with me, so I wont need to feel guilty, but then again I'm panicking that she will be all emotional and start crying, then the situation will go back to normal. I really don't know what to do? One thing that I do want to write about though, is one day I was on the computer and a thing came up about green eyes being quite rare, I said it to her and she said to me in a put me down tone, YOU haven't got green eyes!!! My eyes are bright green! How could a mother not know what colour eyes her daughter has got! My daughter has been round a couple of times this week, but i do have the feeling, that she can't be bothered going, I do feel guilty though, that she has had the responsibilty put onto her and as a 20 year old, i know she doesn't want or deserve it. I know my dear sister is fuming about the letter that she received and how disgraceful that your own mother could send it and not want to have any further contact. It would be interesting to see what other people think about, as to why I didn't get one? Do you think it's because she knows I'm soft and have always gone running back in the past? Any advise would yet again be gratefully received.

Scapegoat, seriously why ring and see if she wants you to go around? It could go one of two ways, she will either welcome your visit(drawing you back into her clutches) or she will make out that she isn't bothered either way(making you feel guilty if you don't go, but then if you do go the result will not be as you intended.
re the eyes-she knows what colour eyes you have but the fact that they are rare makes you unique/special and there is no way that she will acknowledge that(by bright green I am assuming you mean that aqua/azure type colour?)
Your daughter is quite old enough to decide for herself so do not take on that burden too!!

I can't recall what the letter was about. The thing is that it is all about manipulation/show. She probably thought that despite what she wrote sister would go running back(most Golden children would because they have been brain washed as much as the scapegoat) but sis has seen things for what they are(wish mine would )
I don't think you are soft but I do think that scapegoats always have that element of wanting to gain approval/praise/acceptance from their NM's and now it is almost like 'here is your chance' Please don't kid yourself, it really is never going to happen. It is so hard to accept, think of it like a candle, hope burns strongly, then it starts to flicker and eventually you will get to the stage where the light goes out and you will finally accept what is what(and you will be so much stronger for it)
Please don't get sucked in again!

Was it note re ashes and policies? Reading it again, could it mean that she is throwing out a sort of challenge? If she returns them then we are finished but if you don't, lines of communication will be kept open? If she returned them and communication went then it wouldn't be mother's fault because they were returned to her(never mind that she asked for them)Also golden children tend to gloss over faults of parent and would go running no matter what was put. so would scapegoats in a way(because they are desperate to be loved/wanted) but nm's know that and don't have to throw out a challenge the same way! I don't think I have explained that very well, may have to come back to it

Lara44

Hi Scape Goat

I think you should be doing what you *want* to do first and foremost. You no longer have to do what your Mum expects you to do. You have internalised her voice, and to break away from that you have to find your own voice, that tells you about your own needs and wants. If you're already half wishing that your Mum will say don't come around then that suggests you don't really want to visit. If you don't actively want to go, don't go. That is one of the hardest things to change, because I am sure you're not used to doing things your own way, and perhaps you also feel (because of constant manipulation) that your choices are unworthy.

So your new question is not: "should I go to m Mum's on this sad anniversary" but "what would I like to do to on this sad anniversary?". If you want to let your Mum know you're thinking about her you might send a small card. I think communication by mail is a very helpful form because it denies so much of the instant feedback that manipulation relies on. Good luck whatever you decide - thinking of you.

POPPYOSCAR

londonsurrey wrote: »

Your daughter doesn't have the responsibility put onto her. It's her choice.

In the same vein, your mother has the choice of asking people to do things for her, nicely. She chooses not to do so. That is not your problem unless you make it your problem.

It's interesting reading what you say about feeling the pressure (from yourself - no one has done anything) to call her, AND half hoping for her to be nasty.

Be aware, there's such a thing as a comfort zone. It's a bad name, as it's a zone of what you're familiar with, not necessarily what is nicely snugly comfortable.

So you seem to be considering putting yourself back in your mother's reach, in your words "running back to her".
That is entirely your right to do so.
However, it is a little pointless to then get upset about how nasty she's being to you when you do see her.

Think about the school bully. You know it bullies, and you know it bullies you. If you keep on visiting the school bully, people will wonder why on earth you are upset, puzzled, wanting sympathy, all because she's beaten you up yet AGAIN.

It's not as though the school bully is visiting you, or waylaying you as you go about your business (Yes, she's waylaying you mentally because she's brainwashed you, but that's up to you to recognise it, and make the decision whether to keep away from her or not)

This is a very important point imo.

devildog

Lara44 Agree with what you are saying but also feel like there can be some confusion over what ' a' scapegoat would 'want', the thing they crave is their mother's love/attention/understanding etc and that is a diffcult desire to withdraw from either on a concious or subconcious level. I don't think 'our' (lol) scapegoat wants to go but there is that hold that is making her feel like she should go. She owes it to herself to break free

Lara44

Yes, I understand that. It's a difficult process to find your "own voice" and disassociate from all that programming. But ultimately freedom from that internalised voice is the aim, for me it has been anyways

happyhaddock_2

Thanks for all the replies yet again, you are all so kind My sister doesn't want to go and see mum but feels a great sense of guilt that she is on her own, especially on the anniversary of dads death. I have pointed out to. Sis that mum uses days like this for her own ends to gain sympathy. She did it to me last year and again on what would of been his birthday. It's all about HER, not remembering dad, but I think it's going to be a while before my sister can truly let go and 'escape' from mum. She has been conditioned for too long x

devildog

Lara44 wrote: »

Yes, I understand that. It's a difficult process to find your "own voice" and disassociate from all that programming. But ultimately freedom from that internalised voice is the aim, for me it has been anyways

Me too Takes a while but you do get there in the end