I don't like my mother!

devildog

happyhaddock wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies yet again, you are all so kind My sister doesn't want to go and see mum but feels a great sense of guilt that she is on her own, especially on the anniversary of dads death. I have pointed out to. Sis that mum uses days like this for her own ends to gain sympathy. She did it to me last year and again on what would of been his birthday. It's all about HER, not remembering dad, but I think it's going to be a while before my sister can truly let go and 'escape' from mum. She has been conditioned for too long x

Your sis is lucky to have you by her side :)It is funny though that in my situation it would have been more likely for golden child(sis) running back to NM.

meritaten

mum is sitting there secure in the 'knowledge' that scapegoat will come running back! and why shouldnt she? scapegoat always has in the past! which then gives mum the chance to get her claws out! and believe me - she must be livid over having no hold on goldenchild now! Now who do you think will have to pay for that? and why put yourself through it? I think happy would agree with me that she is a grown woman who makes her own decisions - but you already know that in your mothers eyes - this will be ALL YOUR fault!
even if she is nice to you - it wont last, you know it wont. Stay away hun, go out for the morning and again in the evening - but stay well away from 'mother'.

happyhaddock_2

Thanks meri, I'll get sis to read all these replies. You know mums already blamed her for all this, and told her to stay away!

Its obviously not affected mum too much though, she's still managing to sell stuff on ebay, wonder who she'll get to take the parcels now! x

meritaten

happy - I would bet she either has a neighbour to take them - or more likely she takes them herself and 'plays the martyr'! Its amazing what people can do for themselves when the 'slaves' go missing!
happy - if sis does go back - its because of the guilt thing, NMs are very good at that. my OH would take any amount from my MIL - til the day she died he never stopped trying to prove himself 'worthy' of her love. the sad thing is that he was a wonderful son!
I could deal with her - I didnt have to live with her and she wasnt MY mum. but, she still made me angry about the way she treated my OH.
The final indignity was that she had told everyone she was leaving my OH her house cos he had been so good to her! no such thing - if he wanted the house he had to pay his brothers thier share of market value (which is exactly how it should be) yet the friends and nieghbours were all convinced he had inherited the house!
I am sharing that because I want you and scapegoat to realise that Narcissists NEVER change - even after death they try to manipulate their families and friends.

happyhaddock_2

Thanks meri, that's so sad about your oh. How does he feel about her now she's gone, can he see what she was really like now?.

And, yes, mum is quite capable of taking her parcels herself and has done on numerous occasions. It's just far easier for her to make us feel guilty and take them for her. She used to ring my sis up to 15 times a day to find out when she was going, what she was doing! I said its just another form of control with her.

I've still not heard anything about the ins policies or ashes either, bet she's seething.

londonsurrey

One of the things that convinced me to give up on my NM is the realisation that even if I gave up all dignity, did everything she wanted, and gave up my happiness, she STILL wouldn't be happy.

So logically, rather than have two people unhappy, at least I could have a go at making one person happy, even if it was merely me (yes, the NM had brainwashed me enough to make think that her happiness was more important. Except her happiness wasn't ever going to happen! Lol)

squirrelchops

This thread is so refreshing to read.

I haven't had as many issues with my mother as some of the posters on here by a long chalk. However after years of always feeling that I and my older brother were being treated differently to by middle brother, my mother neither admitted or denied it when I said 'I know xxxx is your favourite child'. I had asked her to describe each of us and how different we are to each other - thinking she might say, well 'x is the sporty one' or 'x has a good sense of humour like their dad' or the like. The response I got to describe me was 'well, you've never liked criticism'. The only comment she could make about me at all.

I remember my mother telling me repeatedly from the age of about 14 when i asked why she was being funny with me that it was 'all in your head'.....'you're imagining things, it's all in your head'. I would even have a boyfriend at the time who would ask me 'why is your mum being like that with you' so I knew it wasn't me.

However this constant barage about how what I felt was wrong has caused me huge difficulties in my relationships with people - work colleagues, friends and relationships. I have (should say had) never been able to trust my emotions in my interactions with people because it was so ingrained in me that I couldn't correctly ascertain what a person meant....that i was 'imagining it'. This led to me often taking the blame for things that weren't my fault, beleiving an abuse partner when they told me i was 'rubbish or useless' and worse - all because I was so used to not trusting how I felt due to what my mother instilled in me.

Anyway 2 years of therapy, a loving relationship and settled job with trustworthy work colleagues I am better. I still have the odd wobble and over analyse myself.

However I brought this up with my mother in response to her 'you don't like being criticised' comment. I told her how she used to be off with me and when I asked why she would say 'it's all in your head' and 'you're imagining it'.

Her response ' I can't ever remember saying that' and 'it's like you are talking about someone else'!!!!!

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry that something that has had such a profound effect on me and impacted on me so greatly she does not have the least recollection of.

londonsurrey

squirrelchops wrote: »

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry that something that has had such a profound effect on me and impacted on me so greatly she does not have the least recollection of.

I strongly suspect that she does actually remember it, but dismisses it.

If you read up on NMs, there's something called "gaslighting", derived from a story of an abusive husband who would subtly turn down the lights of the house, and slowly drove his wife mad by denying that the lights had changed.

A NM will effortlessly swear blind that nothing happened, as the child is worthless, not worth even the truth. AND it has the wonderful effect of the child working harder to prove it, all while she watches in satisfaction, the child wiggling on the hook.

The whole point of a NM is that she's a conperson, and needs victims. Like a conman, what they need is the interaction, and they're secure in the knowledge that they're gonna get summat out of you, as they KNOW they're not going to give you anything they value.

Like conmen, without interaction, they're out of business.
Note what a fuss they make to you, to anyone who will listen, if you actually stop talking to them.

londonsurrey

PS Because of the slightly complicated family dynamics, with forced "adoption" of my baby sister over 30 years ago, and the death of my little 17 year old much younger brother 7 years ago, I have been both the golden child and the scapegoat.

Basically, a NM requires a scapegoat, and she'll use what's handy. The only vague comfort I can offer is that it's nothing personal, and children are interchangeable.

What I'm trying to say is that while it's heartbreaking to realise how much your mother doesn't love you, I hope you can find some comfort in the fact that it's not because you are you, you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. If the family changed in certain ways, she would possibly find another use for you, maybe even as the golden child. But being the golden child is more insidious anyhow, and there's another level of self loathing and damage there.

spirit

londonsurrey wrote: »

I strongly suspect that she does actually remember it, but dismisses it.

If you read up on NMs, there's something called "gaslighting", derived from a story of an abusive husband who would subtly turn down the lights of the house, and slowly drove his wife mad by denying that the lights had changed.

A NM will effortlessly swear blind that nothing happened, as the child is worthless, not worth even the truth. AND it has the wonderful effect of the child working harder to prove it, all while she watches in satisfaction, the child wiggling on the hook.

The whole point of a NM is that she's a conperson, and needs victims. Like a conman, what they need is the interaction, and they're secure in the knowledge that they're gonna get summat out of you, as they KNOW they're not going to give you anything they value.

Like conmen, without interaction, they're out of business.
Note what a fuss they make to you, to anyone who will listen, if you actually stop talking to them.

i agree with your whole post LS but this bit particularly would be funny if it were not so tragic. My NM when I stopped talking to her would speak to anyone - her 5 minute friends* at her club, Dr and whoever else. She'd say to them that didn't they agree that she was a nice person and would never do or say anything bad.

*5 minute friends are the people she 'makes friends' with, then she finds that they are 'too nosey' so she drops them like hot cakes.