I don't like my mother!

julesangles

Happyhaddock, at first i thought you were my sister, i am the younger sister not the chosen one. my nick name of my self is the blood donner. i've not fallen out with my sister even when mother has pit us one against each other.
same story mother a drinker, a control freak. only my mother lives 3 doors away from me so not talking to her is not a opotion. i wish you luck in what ever you decide. i cant read on any more of the tread it is to near my own.

happyhaddock_2

Thank you meritaten it's certainly what we are doing now, we've got a lot of time to make up for x
Spirit well done for making the break and protecting your children I know exactly how you feel. It's not material things that are needed, it's nurturing, love, stability and feeling safe. When my sister told mum my problems went back to my childhood, her reply was "but that was ages ago, and she got everything she ever wanted"! x

happyhaddock_2

Jules my heart goes out to you, and to live so close to your mum wow! Does your sister know whats going on and how your mum is with you. Please feel free to post on here, I find it very helpful and everyone is so helpful, supportive and understanding. Big hugs xx

meritaten

you say you were the goldenchild happy - so you were protected. Your sister wasnt - so she was sacrificed. It is such a tragic situation I can hardly get my head around it. I have to marvel though that your sister is such a lovely person that she now has a relationship with you. She must be an exeptionally lovely person! You are blessed - and SHE is blessed that YOU havent grown into a CLONE of your mother! Goldenchildren often do.

I recall you saying that the problem is your niece and HER relationship with her grandmother............is it still the same? or have you taken steps to sever THAT relationship?
you do know that your mum will NEVER, EVER admit any wrongdoing? or even bias with her children?
bu99er it - the important thing is the relationship with your sister and keeping your niece safe!

theoldcynic

happyhaddock, I am truly sorry to hear of your families situation and history. I feel in such circumstances any words I have to offer may sound shallow and hollow. You must be experiencing such a wave, depth and turmoil of emotions and I am sure they are conflicting, contrasting and at times overwhelming. I would also guess that you may be feeling some grief, grief for your sisters childhood and predicament, the relationship you had/have with your mother and for the childhood that you perceived you had which must now all be thrown into question.

The only suggestions I can make is to not judge yourself for whatever you feel or feel any guilt over it and to acknowledge your own emotions in all this too. Also don't think that because you were the golden child that any emotions/experiences/grief/feelings you may be experiencing right now are any less valid or intense than your sisters. Or that the damage that this has caused you is any less than that of your sisters. You are entitled to feel the way you do and to the depth of how you may be feeling. I believe that there is no right or wrong way to feel in these situations.

I don't know if you are receiving any help yourself in terms of therapy or counselling or if you feel you need it, but please don't feel ashamed or unworthy if you do. Being the golden child comes with so many of it's own difficulties.

I also don't know if you are a reader? If so you may find Alice Millers book 'The drama of the gifted child' or it's alternatively called 'The drama of being a child' in the UK, a helpful read. Her website is also considered a good source of help/acknowledgement too.

All the best.

happyhaddock_2

Oh my meritaten and the old cynic, are you sure you don't know me and my mother. Once again I'm so touched by your kind words and astute observations I have written and spoken to my niece so she is aware of why we are like this but not the details. As an adult it is her choice wether she wants to have a relationship with mum and we will not influence her either way, just be there to offer support.

I have received a lovely note from my mother today which just about sums her up. There's no explanation of our childhood, no asking for forgiveness or the word 'sorry', definitely no remorse! She has just asked me to return her insurance policies, which I had for safe keeping, and dads ashes. She says "please do this last thing for me and I an assure you no further contact will be made"! So there it is I am now free x

happyhaddock_2

Not heard anything else now. My sister couldn't believe the response from mum, she was feeling guilty yesterday and was thinking about ringing her, she's changed her mind now. I can't believe mum would rather throw away our relationship than try and understand where we're coming from. I agonised over sending the letters, I needn't of bothered judging by her reaction!

londonsurrey

From my understanding of my own NM, there is no "relationship" for the NM to throw away with her offspring. The only relationship going is that the offspring belong to the NM, and they obey. They're disposable commodities, and it's disgraceful how much effort the NM has to put into getting what she wants out of her offspring.

happyhaddock_2

That is so true LS still a bitter pill to swallow though. I said to my sister she has just used us all our lives, everything has always been on her terms and now we have 'woken up' she doesn't want to know

POPPYOSCAR

happyhaddock wrote: »

That is so true LS still a bitter pill to swallow though. I said to my sister she has just used us all our lives, everything has always been on her terms and now we have 'woken up' she doesn't want to know :(

I do not think you can expect anything else TBH, that is the 'nature of the beast' so to speak.