MODS - please delete thread

Kimberley

Shame on your husband for abandoning his daughter. He lay down in bed with this women and had unprotected sex with her so he should stand up and face up to his responsibilities and i'm afraid that Leopards do not change their spots and i'd doubt this other women will not be the last. Also taking your husband back for your daughter's sake will not work either. It will only work if you 100% forgive him and 100% can accept his other daughter. What will you do if in a few months he decides that he can't walk away from her after all? If this happens you will have to come to terms with his affair and accept that the other women will always have to be in his life as well whilst his other daughter is young. I wish you luck because I think you will need it.

Welshwoofs

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Well, thank goodness someone finally said it, although why everybody would think the OP to be terrible if she chooses this path, I don't know.

I don't think anyone would think the Op terrible would they? I'd say it's perfectly natural not to want somebody else's child in her life.

Ultimately though, whether the child is part of their lives isn't her choice at all, it's her husband's. At the moment he wants nothing to do with his child and I'd guess, if letters from the CSA make her feel physically sick, the Op is probably rather relieved he's made that choice. Of course he could well change his mind - he'd be a 'bigger man' if he did IMO - but if he does the Op will be left with two choices, put up with it or leave. I'd surmise both paths would hurt like hell.

Kay_Peel

Crikey. Still talking about the husband with righteous indignation?

We are trying to support a woman coming to terms with traumatic events. We need not heap further distressing reminders of the predicament upon her poor suffering head.

Your contributions might be very therapeutic for you and a release for your own anger, but they're not helping, in my view.

coolcait

alias*alibi wrote: »

I wonder if anybody might be able to give me some advice to move forward.

I took my husband back after he had an affair which resulted in pregnancy. We have been back together nearly 4 months and the OW's baby was born end of August. Obviously I am not happy at all about the baby but there are reasons I won't go in to why I took my husband back.

He has nothing to do with the baby; the OW has been a bit of a biatch since we have been back together again and has subsequently applied to the CSA; fair enough, I would too if I was in that situation, as she didn't take too kindly to him going back to his wife.

Anyway, whilst I am mostly able to deal with the situation,things like the CSA phoning my husband and CSA letters dropping through the door are constant reminders of the affair and makes me boil up inside. I appreciate I took him back knowing all this and need to put this to 'bed' in order to move forward but I am struggling with it. The OW has emailed him a few times about the baby calling it 'our daughter'; 'your daughter' etc when he has made it clear he will pay but doesn't want anything to do with her (rightly or wrongly) and she has been told to stop contacting him or we will file for harassment (although that has fallen on deaf ears); so that can be dealt with if need be. But obviously the CSA are going to be around for many many years and will serve as a constant reminder of what happened and I wonder if I am strong enough to deal with it.

Anybody been through similar?

I haven't read the rest of the thread (it's late, it's a long thread). So I'm going to give you my immediate reaction to your post.

But, I'll try to log on tomorrow - later today - to read the whole thread, and see if my immediate reaction is tempered by other people's views.

My first thought is that your post shies away from stating exactly what your husband has done. Why? How can you deal with it, if you don't say it as it is?

From what you have told us, your husband had an affair. He fathered a baby with his OW, and their baby was born at the end of August. The OW has written to your OH about his daughter, calling her "our daughter" and "your daughter".

It upsets you that the OW calls the baby "our daughter" and "your daughter". Yet these are biological facts (unless you are disputing paternity). Why not accept them?

The way you write about the pregnancy, it sounds like the baby was conceived by the OW alone - "he had an affair which resulted in pregnancy...the OW's baby was born end of August". You know that's not the whole truth. Why avoid the reality?

Your husband was jointly responsible in conceiving this baby girl. He has been asked to be jointly responsible in providing her with support. So, you are right, the CSA will be in touch with him about this support.

Only you can say if you are strong enough to deal with this for many years. Only you can say if denial ("it's the OW's baby") or reality ("it's my husband and his OW's baby") will work for you.

You're in a horrible situation, and I sympathise with that - even if I don't agree with your attitude.

Seanymph

'That would make me look an utter idiot and someone who doesn't know their own mind or emotions. '

I dragged that forwards from an earlier answer (again, sorry - it moves so quickly I have to play catch up) - Sometimes it's better to look an idiot briefly than live like one for along time.

I too support the institution of marriage (more so than the OP's husband obviously!) - but as the OP's husband didn't I don't see that she HAS to buy into what he's done. The days of women remaining in marriages no matter what treatment dished out is long over - now she has choices. Obviously choosing to remain with him is one of them - but it seems that there is one upmanship and pride and a need to take away the pain of abandonment all mixed in there as reasons for remaining with him. Using a reconciliation to paper over the cracks of the betrayal in order to 'out trump' the OW is not a sustainable relationship, and could be a root cause of 'struggling'.

However I feel strongly that children aren't disposable - and I and others HAVE put the focus on the child and why not - the OP is adult, and needs to look at the bigger picture, because it isn't going to change any time soon.

I also fail to see a path that the OP can take that will result in NOT struggling.

The post above says it all really - and echoes what I was trying to put earlier. This is the child of the man she is married to. I live with children of my partner, and of mine (none of 'ours though!') - and it's difficult. Other people's children is difficult, even if you love one of the child's parents (and in our case there is no 'other parent' to consider).

And other people's children when you have difficulties with one of the parents (as I have in previous relationships) is awful. Just awful. Even if one of the child's parents is your partner or husband the weekly reminders, constant references to their parents in front of you, the drain on the family resources, the differences in parenting styles it throws up, the responsibility you get alongside NO say or control at all, the fact that it's you not their father who does the damned washing, shopping, gift buying, remembering of important events, consoling, talking to and entertaining.

Even if the OP DOES agree for her husband to have access and can stomach it and her husband wants it - she can do every weekend for years, hold the sick bowl, know every detail of her children's half sisters lives and yet the school won't take her call, nor will the doctors, and she can't sign the forms at hospital and ultimately if her and her husband split she could face never seeing the child she has spent years forging a relationship with again.

I get the OP is struggling, but there is nothing anyone can post to stop that from happening - and whatever path this takes it will either become a dull ache for life (if he refuses contact) and financial drain - but then the OP has to deal with the kind of guy that makes him and I know I couldn't. OR she will have this child under her roof and the OW in her life for a long time.

There isn't a way to stop the struggling. There are only ways to make it a struggle the OP can face making day in day out.

FBaby

Someone said it rightly, it all comes down to individual morals vs feelings. How much you stay with someone because you love them/need them etc... and how much do you decide that you can't stay with someone because their actions goes against your morals?

I know that if I was put in the same situation, however much I adore my OH, if he rejected his child, I would not be able to share my life with him. I would hate him for putting me in the situation of having to accept a child that he fathered with someone else, a constant reminder of the betrayal, but I could learn to cope with this. At least I might be prepared to try. However, I know I wouldn't be able to cope if he decided not to be a dad to the child, not so much because that would be the best for the child (I do agree that no matter what, the situation is that things are unlikely to be rosy for the child anyway) but because it would mean him shying away from his responsibility, making a choice that is easier for him rather than the right one. It would really worry me that faced with adversity (say I suddenly became very ill), he would again take the easy route for him coming up with all bunch of reasons why he can't do the right thing. I guess it all comes down the fact that I don't think I could trust my man again to be there for me no matter what.

That's me though and I only the OP can decide where the line is for her. This is why posters are commenting on the situation rather than the OP's feelings because there is nothing much to say about that, every one agrees that it must be very tough and that only counselling and time will help.

quantumleap

The reality is OP that no one can tell you how to cope – you’ve been completely betrayed by your husband and the creation of another life means that whether you or your husband choose to be involved with the child or not, there will always be a constant reminder walking around of his betrayal. I suspect that in order to cope better in the future you’ll both have to address the child situation differently to how you are at the moment.

I would also like to add that at no point have I suggested you leave your husband – you’ve made a choice – I respect that, as I do the opinions of everyone else on this thread.

My opinion is bias – I’ve already mentioned that I’m the son of a father who ran away from his responsibilities. I can tell you something from experience, it hurts knowing that you weren’t wanted by a parent. He was never part of my life, never paid a penny but it still hurt. To be honest I think it would have been worse had he paid each month and not wanted me because I would have known that he always would have known how to contact me but chose not to.

I’m 38 years old now and it still hurts to think about it!

I wish you well.

Welshwoofs

Kay_Peel wrote: »

We are trying to support a woman coming to terms with traumatic events. We need not heap further distressing reminders of the predicament upon her poor suffering head.

Simply put; it's not possible for a bunch of anonymous strangers on a message board to magically help her come to terms with her feelings about the situation, only she can do that. Again, she's going to have to learn to live with reminders - she's going to be getting them for years and the sooner she can accept that, the sooner she can heal and stop feeling physically sick every time a CSA letter plops through the door.

Your contributions might be very therapeutic for you and a release for your own anger, but they're not helping, in my view.

You didn't quote who you were replying to, but if it was to me I don't have any anger....I don't have anything to be angry about...quite the opposite! I'm just not a 'fluffy, huggy' type - I tend to be blunt and address the reality of a situation. The reality is her situation is totally !!!!!, she no doubt feels bloody awful, she's chosen a difficult path and now she'll have to toughen up and learn to walk it. I wish her all the best doing that, but she's not going to find a magic band-aid to heal her feelings on a message board....if that's what she's after she's probably best off talking to family and friends.

Oldernotwiser

Person_one wrote: »

Adopted children tend to have the benefit of a loving adoptive family behind them, giving them a solid emotional foundation to help them deal with rejection by birth parents if it happens, and a family to come home to.

Admittedly, not always, but its really a different scenario entirely.

A lot do but many don't. That's often why they feel the need to look for their biological parents.

Oldernotwiser

I'm going to stand out from the majority and say that I admire the OP for being able to forgive her husband and to put her marriage and family's future before her personal feelings.

I also disagree that there's any reason for her to have to play happy families with the child of his infidelity or that he should feel bound to do anything that will further jeopardise his marriage.

Of course he should contribute financially to this other child but I think that this is where it should end. I don't see any reason for him to have an ongoing relationship with the baby and particularly not as it upsets his wife. He's done enough to hurt her already and this should be where his responsibilities lie.

His wife, his marriage and their child must come first.