MODS - please delete thread

peachyprice

fannyanna wrote: »

If they turn up 20 years later knocking on the door you can say you're not interested.

I'm not talking about what is right or wrong. I'm just saying that it's not impossible to cut someone out of your life - even if they try to come back in - you don't have to let them in.

I didn't say they can't, but it will still drag the whole episode up again, it's something they have to be prepared for, and it's something they have to prepare their child for. Just because they don't want this child in their lives doesn't mean their son will feel the same.

It's rather naive to think that in 20 years time if this child contacts her father and he says he doesn't want anything to do with her that she will just say OK and disappear again.

Oldernotwiser

peachyprice wrote: »

It's rather naive to think that in 20 years time if this child contacts her father and he says he doesn't want anything to do with her that she will just say OK and disappear again.

Why not? This happens to lots of adopted children who set out to find their birth families, although it doesn't tend to get much publicity as it doesn't make a good story.

System

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Why not? This happens to lots of adopted children who set out to find their birth families, although it doesn't tend to get much publicity as it doesn't make a good story.

So the poor kid gets rejected twice over... nice people eh? Would you really want to spend your life with a man who could do this? I wouldn't.

Taadaa

This happened with my DHs father. He fathered not one but two children before he married MIL, and had nothing more to do with them (although in one instance he was told to get lost). He always said that if they came a-knocking he would tell them to get lost.

I am not suggesting this is right, just throwing another penny in. My biological father !!!!ed off when my mum got pregnant, and I would be gutted if he told me to get lost. But to be honest, he doesn't want to know me, I don't want to know him, and my life hasn't been any worse for it.

Person_one

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Well, thank goodness someone finally said it, although why everybody would think the OP to be terrible if she chooses this path, I don't know.

Some of us have seen the results firsthand.

peachyprice

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Why not? This happens to lots of adopted children who set out to find their birth families, although it doesn't tend to get much publicity as it doesn't make a good story.

And there are a lot who don't just go away, who try to find their siblings, aunts, uncles etc when rejected by their parent.

If OP is OK with that it's all fine and dandy.

Person_one

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Why not? This happens to lots of adopted children who set out to find their birth families, although it doesn't tend to get much publicity as it doesn't make a good story.

Adopted children tend to have the benefit of a loving adoptive family behind them, giving them a solid emotional foundation to help them deal with rejection by birth parents if it happens, and a family to come home to.

Admittedly, not always, but its really a different scenario entirely.

Taadaa

.....indeed, what kids need is to feel loved and wanted. Is the child really going to be grateful for knowing that it was the product of an affair and that fillial contact is out of a sense of obligation? Probably not.

whitewing

If you don't have anything to do with the baby, would your husband, in the future, possibly do so behind your back? (I don't mean have any kind of a relationship with the woman). Could he really cut himself off from his child, particularly as you all know that she exists anyway?

FOX_HOUND

Person_one wrote: »

Adopted children tend to have the benefit of a loving adoptive family behind them, giving them a solid emotional foundation to help them deal with rejection by birth parents if it happens, and a family to come home to.

Admittedly, not always, but its really a different scenario entirely.

Yes, in my case that is prescisely the reason I felt no need to see my birth mother. My adoptive parents were my parents. They kept me out of the childrens home. And if they were still alive my loyalty would still exist. Obviously my birth mother had her issues but I knew where my loyalties lie.